Friday, October 25, 2019

Competitive Snail Racing. A Real Story.



I must admit as I grow older, I don't like things as fast-paced as when I was younger. The quickness of events is not as important to me anymore. I feel I have more patience with things. When it comes to sports, I still like the speed of things happening. I find myself envying young people and their ability to move so quickly with their sport. At this stage of the game, I can only dream of having such skills. There is a sport in England that may be a little to slow even for me, it is snail racing. I don't think my admiration for the speed of the athletes in this sport would be much of an issue. I'm sure I can watch them for a few more years and feel I can move just as fast as these athletes.

Below are excerpts from the story with my valuable insights in italics.


CONGHAM, England (Reuters) - The race starter stood up and shouted: “Ready, steady, slow!” The crowd cheered, but the competitors remained stuck at the start line. Welcome to the world snail racing championship.

More than 150 snails took part in the annual event, held at a summer fete in Norfolk, eastern England on Saturday where a silver tankard stuffed with lettuce leaves were the prize.

Not only are these athletes at a speed I can handle, but they also compete for a salary I could afford to pay them. I wonder what is involved with being a snail racing breeder? I'm sure it could someday be a big business.

I also wonder if the owners of these racing snails have agents who try and negotiate endorsement deals for the snails.

“I know you want my racing snail to be the spokesnail for your organization. I don't know if my snail escargot is the right fit for the project.”

“Are you kidding me? He's perfect. Our advertising campaign is all about slowing down to enjoy our cereal. If there is one thing escargot is good at doing, it is slowing down. Since he is also a racing champion, he'll appeal to the desire to be a racing athlete in all of our consumers.”

“Your target audience is senior citizens.”

“Hey, they may be old, but they probably feel they could still beat a snail in a race. What do you say?”

“A million dollars and all of the lettuce and cereal escargot can eat.”

“It's a deal.”


The snails are placed on a special damp cloth marked with three concentric circles and the creatures race 13 inches (33 cm) to the outer ring.

I would hate to be an announcer trying to cover this race.

“It looks like Speedy Snail is making his move. He's gone half an inch in the last twenty minutes. Hot on his trail is The Flash Snail, he has gone at least an inch in the last twenty minutes. I wouldn't count out Running Demon Snail. He has gone a quarter of an inch in the past fifteen minutes. The excitement of this race is too much for most people, so I hope you can hang on until the end and a winner is declared.”

I'm sure there is a story of a snail from a poor part of town that nobody realizes is a true racing champion. He is given an opportunity to compete against the best racing snails in the land and wins. Before this happens, he must overcome snail racing injuries. Maybe the movie could be called Snailbiscut.


“We take this seriously,” snail racer John McClean told Reuters.
“We have got training slopes. We look at diet, we are drug compliant as well. It is the whole thing when you look at elite sports.”

Can you imagine being told your snail can't compete in a race because it tested positive for steroids? I think it is a special person who has the skills and patience necessary to train snails for racing. I suppose it may be a challenge to get a snail to stop having beer and fried foods when they are training for a race.

“I know you're just a snail, but you have to climb that slope one more time.”
“I can't, I'm exhausted.”
“One more time and do it under eighteen minutes this time and you can go home.”
“I too tired.”
“Do it for the snail racing champion within you who want to win the race.”
“Okay.”

The competition has been held since the 1960s with each race lasting several minutes. Competitors are able to select a snail from the organizers’ stash or bring their own.

Jo Waterfield from the nearby village of Grimston found the eventual winner among her plants.

“I pulled him out this morning and told him if he didn’t win I would squash him,” Waterfield told Reuters.


(Sarcasm Alert)

A poor snail is just being in a garden doing what snails do and then is pulled up by some gigantic human who tells him if he doesn't win a race she'll squish him. Where is the Society for the Prevention of Snails Being Squished (SPSBS) when you need them?

I'm sure the world of competitive snail racing can be as shady as any horse racing event.

Next thing you know snail owners will try to invent all sorts of undetectable snail performance enhancement drugs. A snail will move 13 inches in a minute and nobody will know why, but everyone will be suspicious. Could this be in the future of this sport?

Below is a link to the story.



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