Auctioning the Skull of Saint Vitalis Dome. A Real Story

      

I know many people who are proud of the unique items they’ve collected over the years.  A friend of mine once shared his collection of vials containing beach sand from all over the world with me.  They were from places he’d visited while serving in the Navy.  Another person I know has a collection of electric insulators and also proudly displays a tobacco rack from the colonial times in his apartment.  None of these collectors come close to a couple from Duleek, Ireland for having a unique collectible article.  In their home, this Irish couple actually keeps the skull of a Catholic saint.  Not just any saint, they have Vitalis Dome, who is otherwise known as the patron saint against sickness and disease affecting the genitals.  Talk about a conversation piece.  I suppose it’s just a coincidence that his initials are VD.

Vitalis Dome lived from 1295 to May 31, 1370.  It is said that prior to being saintly he led a rather immoral life.  I don’t know exactly what type of immoral activity he engaged in.  That was before the ACLU so it couldn’t have been praying in school.

 (If you didn't realize it: the previous sentence was sarcasm).

Whatever it was I bet the immorality of today would put his to shame.  Nowadays Vitalis would be told he is not responsible for anything he’s done because he’s the victim of an unjust society.  If immorality was the determining factor in being the patron saint against sickness and disease affecting the genitals, I’m sure many people these days would qualify.

            “Oh, I am an immoral man.”

            “What did you do?”

            “There have been days when I have not prayed.  I have had impure thoughts about women.”

            “That’s it?  No children out of wedlock?  No criminal activity?  No use of illegal drugs?  No gambling away family money? No killing people?  You make the rest of us look like we don’t know what we’re doing.  I think it’s immoral for you to claim you’re immoral.” 

During his life, he attempted to make amends for his corrupt past and went on a pilgrimage to a number of sanctuaries in Italy and Europe.  When he returned home he decided to become a Benedictine Monk.  This meant he could not own property, go beyond the monastery walls without permission or get letters from home and had to go to bed early.  He later lived as a hermit.  This was obviously a time before electronic monitoring devices and webcams.  I believe he became a hermit because he probably felt he’d been immoral, but not immoral enough to deserve that monastery treatment. 

He spent the rest of his life in utter poverty.  His one possession was an old container he used for drinking water from a nearby spring.  Now is when his story gets interesting.  Supposedly his reputation for holiness spread after his death.  Then how did someone like this get to be made the patron saint against sicknesses and diseases affecting the genitals? 

            “Guess what?  The Pope just made Vitalis Dome a saint.  What do we have for him to be the patron saint of?”

            “All we have right now is sicknesses and diseases affecting the genitals.”

            “Vitalis Dome was a very holy man.  Why would we give him such a designation?”

            “I’m not saying anything specific, but during his immoral days, he was something to see.  Aspiring immoral people would follow him around and take notes.”

            “I guess it’s appropriate.”

            “You have no idea.”

Now the decapitated skull of Saint Vitalis Dome is sitting in someone’s house in Ireland awaiting an auction that will determine where it will rest next.  For many years the current owners had it on display at the entrance hall of their home.  I can just see horrified guests arrive at this house and point to the skull in the entrance hall.

            “What’s that?”

            “Oh that, it’s just the skull of Saint Vitalis Dome the patron saint against sicknesses and diseases affecting the genitals.  We really think it adds something special to the entrance hall.  We’ve tried to find skulls from other patron saints to balance out the entrance but so far no luck.”

            “Just keep looking.”

            “I’m sure one will turn up eventually.”

The Irish couple with the patron saint skull seems to be very sensitive people.  They relocate the skull to an outhouse when children visit them.  I suppose if you’re so desperate to go to the bathroom you’ll use an outhouse, a patron saint skull isn’t going to bother you too much.

Where I get lost in this story is not so much the auctioning of a patron saint’s skull.  It’s that not one person in this story thought about finding the rest of Vitalis Dome’s remains and reuniting them with his skull.  I don't think he roamed this earth with just his skull. If he did, that would be a great story as well as the subject of many sick jokes.

This story is unique and unusual, but it just doesn’t feel like a good idea. There is just something about adorning your home with body parts of a dead patron saint that just doesn't seem right. Maybe we can remember what the person did without making their dead body parts an eye-catching element of our home decor.

Here is a link to the article.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/decapitated-head-of-catholic-saint-on-auction-block_n_866694

Here is a funny video from It is a Glorious Day.

It is called: Blues Man K-Ski

Christians See Images of Jesus and Virgin Mary in Food and Other Stuff

What is the one thing that separates Christians from the followers of the other major religions?  It’s not just having faith in the teachings of Jesus Christ and it’s more than believing in the resurrection and baptism.  Christians may be the only religious group of people who actually get media attention by seeing images of their Lord and savior in food and other items. 

I don’t recall people being interviewed on television for seeing Buddha in their cheese sandwich.  Has a Hindu ever seen Vishnu in their aloo tikki?  In this regard, we Christians stand alone.

Let’s take the case of Melinda Solis from Starr County, TX.  She saw a brown spot on a flour tortilla and felt it was a depiction of the image of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus, similar to a Byzantine depiction of the figures.  She plans to keep the religious symbolic spotted tortilla.  She isn’t sure if she’ll have her priest look at it.  If I was her priest I would feel slighted because a chance to see a picture of baby Jesus and the Virgin Mary on a tortilla would make my day.

            “These are great burritos.  Where is the tortilla with the picture?

            “It was right here.”

            She turns around and after seeing no tortillas on the table then looks at the priest with a horrified expression.

He finishes off the burrito as she screams “Nooooooooooo.”

I’m sure future generations may see this item featured on a segment of Antiques Road Show.

How would any such meal be complete without dessert?  James Burrows of Toledo, Ohio claims to have a piece of hardtack candy that has the images of baby Jesus and the Virgin Mary.  He made the discovery at a grocery store where he works.  He claims it was a very special experience since it took place during the holidays.  I guess any other time of year it would’ve been very routine.

None of this compares to Nelly Noden of Devon, England.  Ms. Noden was chewing some gum.  She put the chewed gum on a mantelpiece in her house and went to get something to eat.  (I don’t think I want to visit her house).  Upon returning she says the chewed gum looked like Jesus.  I can only imagine what an entrepreneurial evangelist would do with something like this.

“In order to keep us able to spread the good word we ask you, fellow believers if you will consider buying some of our first edition holy gum.  When you’re finished experiencing our heavenly flavors don’t throw it away because then you can look at it and see the image of Jesus.  Be sure to also try our twelve apostle flavors including our red hot Judas cinnamon gum.”

To show the world that Jesus is indeed everywhere a British plumber named David Howlett was at an Indian restaurant and claimed he saw the figure of Jesus in the blackened spots of some nan bread.  There were others who also saw the bread and pointed to the facial features complete with beard and flowing hair.  The restaurant owner said the bread was baked in a clay oven like all his other bread.  There is no information as to what exactly happened to the bread.  If this Jesus sighting causes a serious increase in business I bet we’ll see many Indian restaurants advertising specials with their Jesus nan bread.  Heck, why don’t all restaurants put Jesus tortillas, nan bread, candy and gum on their menus just to make sure nobody feels left out.

The thing about Christians is we don’t just see our religious symbols in food.  Mary Massa of Florida claims she saw Jesus in a bruise near her elbow after two routine blood tests left her bruised.  Her family has a sense of humor about the situation and dubbed it ”Our Lady of Hematoma.”  I once got a nasty bruise from a nurse who made a mistake when drawing my blood.  My bruise didn’t resemble Jesus but I did use his name very creatively when I was in pain.

Rosin McCourt from Coventry, England says a bizarre brown stain appeared on one of her tea towels and shows the face of Jesus Christ.  She claims she had not seen the stain before she put it in for washing.  McCourt felt it was a strong spiritual sign.  I wonder if it’s also a sign she need s to buy a better detergent.

I don’t know why certain people are chosen to have such experiences.  I can honestly say I’ve never looked at my food and seen a picture of Jesus or the Virgin Mary.  I always pray I don’t see a hair in my food because it would make me want to cry out to God in a rather unchristian-like way.  The thing that amazes me is that nobody really knows for certain what Jesus looked like when he walked this earth.  There are no pictures, paintings or anything to indicate the image we think of as Jesus is accurate.

I suppose it really doesn’t matter.  People like to hear about such things because they can’t explain them and they think there’s something deeper involved.  I hope I never unknowingly ate an image of Jesus or the Virgin Mary.  Not only would I have missed a possible spiritual sign but also an opportunity to get some media attention. 

Here is a link to the story.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/gallery/2011/jul/21/jesus-food-sightings

Here is a funny video from It is a Glorious Day.

It's called: Assaults With Candy. Special Guest: Timmy The Tap Dancing Tea Bag

RONALD MCDONALD IS NOT READY FOR RETIREMENT

            Recently 550 supposed health professional and organizations signed a letter to McDonald’s Corp. asking the largest fast-food organization to stop marketing junk food to kids and retire Ronald McDonald.  Talk about a bunch of people who didn’t get enough attention when they were growing up.  I suppose when someone wants to make themselves feel important they attack McDonalds or some another big name corporation.

This campaign has been organized by a group of individuals who call their outfit Corporate Accountability International (CAI).  This CAI campaign may be well intentioned.  It may be based on a sincere desire to address the problem of childhood obesity.  Then again it may also be motivated by people who have a deep emotional need to control other people’s lives.  Do they believe they’re saving us from ourselves?

            Ronald McDonald has been pimping burgers since 1963.  The first Ronald McDonald was Willard Scott who performed as “Ronald McDonald the happy hamburger clown.”  This clown is probably the best burger pimp the world has ever known.  I am among the legions of followers of this well-known burger pimping clown.  I don’t understand why he could be so bad now.  For the past 48 years we all happily ate the food at McDonald’s and just went about our business.

            Nowadays things are different.  We currently live in a world where nobody wants to be responsible for anything they do.  Today if someone eats too much McDonald’s food and gets fat these people want you to think it’s not their fault.  These fat, irresponsible people would like everyone to believe that McDonald’s emits a strange high-pitched sound that makes them helplessly go into McDonald’s like zombies and eat too much food against their will.  They would like us to accept that they have no control over the power of McDonald’s marketing.  Puhleeeeese!

Do these individuals at the CAI comprehend that what most children eat is controlled by their parents?  Are they able to grasp the concept that eating habits are something taught to kids by those same individuals who opened up the world of potty training to their Happy Meal eating offspring?  They’re called parents.

“Don’t you understand my child that McDonald’s will only feed you food that is high in salt, fat, sugar and calories?”

“Me want McDonald’s or poo poo in my pants then scream for hour.”

“Okay, but after you graduate from high school next month we’re not giving in to you again.”

            “Oh yeah, well we’ll just see about that.”

It appears CAI feels that McDonald’s is an evil corporation with a desire to destroy the lives of people without regard to their health.  This organization seems to believe parents aren’t to blame for what their children eat.  Do they think McDonald’s should be held accountable for what a parent feeds their children?  Are fast-food restaurants now supposed to be pseudo parenting operations?

Actually Ronald McDonald is only the front man for this evil corporate enterprise.  Behind him is an entire network of immoral characters utilized in McDonalds’s burger pimping program for children.  Resistance to any of these characters is obviously futile. 

First there is the Hamburglar.  He is constantly trying to get someone else’s hamburger.  Let’s face it; McDonald’s is obviously trying to market stealing other people’s food to children.  It doesn’t end there.  There’s the Grimace which is a purple thing with eyes and arms.  Is McDonald’s trying to promote purple things to our unknowing children?  Birdie is a bird that seems a bit crazy.  What person can’t see that McDonald’s is marketing insanity to our children?  How could anyone ignore the warped political messages McDonald’s is promoting?.  There is Mayor McCheese, a rather bizarrely dressed cheeseburger who has never been voted out of office.  Supporting him is his top cop Big Mac.  Obviously Big Mac is the real reason the mayor has been in office for so long.  This is clearly an attempt by McDonalds to endorse political corruption to our children.  It doesn’t stop there.  There’s Captain Crook who has a cheeseburger head and must be related to Mayor McCheese.  I think McDonald’s wants children to believe in nepotism.  Fry Guy and Fry Girl are just there to confuse kids and if that isn’t enough they throw in the Chicken McNuggets characters to finish the job.

Fast food may be just the tip of the iceberg.  Is it time to realize that McDonald’s Corp. is determined to make all of us fat, morally corrupt helpless people?  We should praise the efforts of the CAI to protect us from this despicable corporation.

(NOTE: Should you not see that the previous three paragraphs are dripping with sarcasm please check yourself into a hospital for the terminally stupid)

Simply because a child wants to eat at McDonald’s doesn’t mean they should.  I’ve seen many parents eat regularly at McDonald’s not because of its marketing, but because it was easier than cooking.  Maybe the CAI and other organizations like it need to write letters to lazy parents informing them about the benefits of cooking for their children.  Then these parents would actually be responsible for what their children ate.  Why would anyone want to do such a thing when it’s so much easier just to blame a corporation?   

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HYPOCRITICAL OATH

            In South Florida fifteen obstetrics-gynecology practices are refusing to see otherwise healthy women solely because they are overweight.  Huh?  Isn’t it nice that members of the medical profession can choose to not treat someone because they don’t like their appearance?  I suppose that certain doctors in Florida are probably now creating their own Hippocratic Oath to go with their newly discovered ethics.

            “I will prevent disease whenever I can except for like, fat chicks that will probably like, give birth to fat kids who will probably then eat all the food in the world while grossing out us good-looking, thin, rich people. 

            If they can refuse treatment because of being overweight will there some day be doctors who refuse treatment because they think someone is unattractive?  What if this belief spreads to other parts of the medical community?

Imagine an ambulance only partially filled after an accident involving several people.  The policeman stops the paramedic to ask why he’s leaving when there is still room in the back of the ambulance.

            “Oh that, those people over there are ugly.  If they wanted us to stop their bleeding or stabilize their injuries they should’ve thought about that before they let themselves get so hideous.  We’re just an ambulance crew not plastic surgeons.”

            “How about those other people over there?”

            “Them?  They have terrible haircuts and it seems one person over there is also in need of serious dental work.  I know they’re in pain but what can I do?  If we start giving emergency medical care to ugly people then we’ll have to give it to fat people and even people who dress poorly.  Sometimes you just have to draw the line.”

            “Hope I never need medical attention.”

            “With all those acne scars on your face you should hope not.”

            What if other professions decided to adopt such standards when deciding who they would provide their services?

            “Your honor I know the court has appointed me to represent this man but frankly I’d like to be excused.”

            “Your reason counselor?”

            “Ah, he’s fat, ugly and that orange prison outfit just makes him look like an orange from outer space.  I’m going to have to work closely with this person.  Can you imagine what it would be like for me to spend hours with him?  I get nauseated walking past homeless people.  How could I be expected to deal with someone like him?”

            “What do you suggest we do?”

            “Hey, the Defense Against Fat, Ugly Disgusting Looking People law was recently passed.  It states that any person not considered good-looking can be remanded to a fat, ugly colony located on an island in the Pacific Ocean.”

            The judge pounds his gavel.

            “It is so ordered.  The defendant is to be remanded to the fat, ugly colony in the Pacific Ocean.”

            As he is being taken away the defendant starts yelling.

            “Hey, I forgot to pay a few traffic tickets and now I’m being banished to an island in the Pacific Ocean?”

            The judge shrugs his shoulders.

            “Look at it this way; you’ll be with your own kind.”

            If certain professions can create bogus standards for those they serve can’t we all do that for our work?  What would our world be like if coffee shops refused to serve people who didn’t have enough body piercings?  How about if drinking establishments posted signs that read “No Tattoos No service?”  What would it be like if the rules of a public beach stated that overweight or ugly people are not permitted on the beach unless they are buried in sand?  Would there ever be ugly only restaurants?  Who determines what’s overweight?  Who determines what’s ugly?  Personally I hope such standards are never adopted in our society.  I’d never be permitted on a beach without being buried in sand, have limited access to restaurants and would probably be living on an island in the Pacific Ocean. 

            To the credit of the medical establishment in southern Florida many other obstetrics-gynecology practices stated they would treat any pregnant woman regardless of her weight.  This is refreshing since obviously weight does not prevent procreation.  It may be a health concern that should be addressed but not the determining factor when deciding the medical treatment of a pregnant woman. 

            Like many other people I am well aware of the obesity epidemic that plagues our country.  It seems that every day a new diet or weight loss system fills a commercial on television.  There are always amazing examples of people who lost tremendous amounts of weight.  We even have television programs dedicated to the topic.

I think the real problem with the doctors in south Florida refusing to treat overweight women was two fold.  Not only did they try to punish these women but in doing so they were also ignoring the needs of their unborn children.  Unfortunately these actions put a dark cloud over other members of obstetrics-gynecology profession who treat all pregnant women no matter what their weight.  Maybe it’s time some doctors follow the Hippocratic Oath instead of their own Hypocritical Oath.

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RAPTURE FOR THE OBTUSE

            Any of you who are reading this must know by now the prediction of 89-year-old Harold Camping that the world would end on May 21, 2011 has been proven false.  Thousand of people around the world donated millions of dollars to get out the word that the world would end.  In 2009 Camping’s group reported to the IRS that it received $18.3 million dollars in donations and had assets of more than $104 million.  This included $34 million in stocks and other publicly traded securities.  Hey, if you know the world’s going to end why not kick your cash into the stock market?

Who knew that predicting the end of the world could be such a profitable venture?  I know they had expenses.  They spent millions on more than 5,000 billboards as well as 20 RVs covered with their end of the world message.  Nobody ever said that telling people about the end of the world would be cheap.  This is simply what happens when you inform everyone about the date of the rapture in a capitalistic society.

            The best three adjectives to describe people who believed in Harold Camping’s prediction, donated money or embarrassed themselves by driving around in one of his RVs yelling at people about the end of the world are naive, gullible and fool.  Each and every one of them gets the official NGF rating.

It should now be a requirement for the rest of society upon seeing one of his followers to look at them and say “Boy you are really stupid.  How could you be such a bonehead?  If you feel bad about this you should.  You might want to seriously consider neutering yourself for the benefit of future generations.”

I think it would be only proper if we had a day set aside for finding these people each year and telling them they lack the intelligence of a toad stool.  It doesn’t have to be an official holiday.  It just needs to be celebrated.

            Harold Camping is no new comer to the predicting the end of the world game.  In 1992 he wrote a book titled “1994?” about the world coming to and end that year.  His predictions are based on direct quotes and stories from the bible and applying them to numerological formulas.  He said the earlier apocalyptic prediction didn’t come true because of mathematical error.  Huh?  Oh, yeah, I see it now.  You know, you mess up some mundane detail like putting a decimal in the wrong place or mixing up a zero and an eleven and your entire apocalyptic prediction is just messed up.  I guess it’s an honest mistake that could happen to anybody predicting the end of the world. 

            Camping and his followers believed the rapture would begin on the 7,000 year anniversary of the flood of Noah’s Ark.  Why?  Where’s the logic in this?  So a ship loaded with a lot of animals survived the world being flooded.  There are other stories in the bible that are way cooler to use for predicting the end of the world.  Maybe the end of the world could be predicted on the anniversary of Jonah and the whale?  We’ll pick a date and tell everybody that’s when huge whales will come up to the shore and everybody is to go inside the whale and leave the sinners behind.  How about the anniversary of Daniel in the lion’s den?  We could pick a date and then tell everybody that on that date a huge hole will open up and all the followers will go into it so they can live in peace and harmony with lions.  In order to get our message out we’ll seek funding ideas from all of Harold Camping’s followers.  We must respect all their extensive experience when it comes to getting donations for such things.

When the date comes and nothing happens we can just smack ourselves in the head and say “Damn, must have forgotten to put in that zero or move some decimal point.  Oh, well, I got another date right here and I’m sure this is the correct one.  Good thing we have tens of millions of other people’s dollars to ease our pain.”

The great thing about Harold Camping’s apocalyptic predictions is that entrepreneurs from around the world saw this as a grand money-making opportunity, much like Harold Camping himself.  Bars and restaurants from Australia to the Florida Keys advertised end of the world celebrations.  My favorite is Sharon Moss who founded (this is for real) AfterTheRapturePetCare.com to provide post-apocalypse animal care.  Customers rushed to this site and willingly paid $10 to sign up for this service.  Even during the end of the world dedicated pet owners want their beloved animals given the best possible care.

Now that the day has come and gone there is a small part of me that almost feels bad for the followers of Harold Camping.  Every time people completely invest themselves and their money into something like this it must be painful to realize it was a mistake.  Maybe some lessons learned here should be that when someone is wrong on one apocalyptic prediction you might not want to pay attention to their next one.  Is it possible the bible or any holy book should not be interpreted through numerological formulas?  I think the best lesson for this can be found in the bible itself from the book of Romans “Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.”
(Special thanks to loyal reader Ed Becker of Wexford, Pa for providing the photo insert.)

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