RAPTURE FOR THE OBTUSE

            Any of you who are reading this must know by now the prediction of 89-year-old Harold Camping that the world would end on May 21, 2011 has been proven false.  Thousand of people around the world donated millions of dollars to get out the word that the world would end.  In 2009 Camping’s group reported to the IRS that it received $18.3 million dollars in donations and had assets of more than $104 million.  This included $34 million in stocks and other publicly traded securities.  Hey, if you know the world’s going to end why not kick your cash into the stock market?

Who knew that predicting the end of the world could be such a profitable venture?  I know they had expenses.  They spent millions on more than 5,000 billboards as well as 20 RVs covered with their end of the world message.  Nobody ever said that telling people about the end of the world would be cheap.  This is simply what happens when you inform everyone about the date of the rapture in a capitalistic society.

            The best three adjectives to describe people who believed in Harold Camping’s prediction, donated money or embarrassed themselves by driving around in one of his RVs yelling at people about the end of the world are naive, gullible and fool.  Each and every one of them gets the official NGF rating.

It should now be a requirement for the rest of society upon seeing one of his followers to look at them and say “Boy you are really stupid.  How could you be such a bonehead?  If you feel bad about this you should.  You might want to seriously consider neutering yourself for the benefit of future generations.”

I think it would be only proper if we had a day set aside for finding these people each year and telling them they lack the intelligence of a toad stool.  It doesn’t have to be an official holiday.  It just needs to be celebrated.

            Harold Camping is no new comer to the predicting the end of the world game.  In 1992 he wrote a book titled “1994?” about the world coming to and end that year.  His predictions are based on direct quotes and stories from the bible and applying them to numerological formulas.  He said the earlier apocalyptic prediction didn’t come true because of mathematical error.  Huh?  Oh, yeah, I see it now.  You know, you mess up some mundane detail like putting a decimal in the wrong place or mixing up a zero and an eleven and your entire apocalyptic prediction is just messed up.  I guess it’s an honest mistake that could happen to anybody predicting the end of the world. 

            Camping and his followers believed the rapture would begin on the 7,000 year anniversary of the flood of Noah’s Ark.  Why?  Where’s the logic in this?  So a ship loaded with a lot of animals survived the world being flooded.  There are other stories in the bible that are way cooler to use for predicting the end of the world.  Maybe the end of the world could be predicted on the anniversary of Jonah and the whale?  We’ll pick a date and tell everybody that’s when huge whales will come up to the shore and everybody is to go inside the whale and leave the sinners behind.  How about the anniversary of Daniel in the lion’s den?  We could pick a date and then tell everybody that on that date a huge hole will open up and all the followers will go into it so they can live in peace and harmony with lions.  In order to get our message out we’ll seek funding ideas from all of Harold Camping’s followers.  We must respect all their extensive experience when it comes to getting donations for such things.

When the date comes and nothing happens we can just smack ourselves in the head and say “Damn, must have forgotten to put in that zero or move some decimal point.  Oh, well, I got another date right here and I’m sure this is the correct one.  Good thing we have tens of millions of other people’s dollars to ease our pain.”

The great thing about Harold Camping’s apocalyptic predictions is that entrepreneurs from around the world saw this as a grand money-making opportunity, much like Harold Camping himself.  Bars and restaurants from Australia to the Florida Keys advertised end of the world celebrations.  My favorite is Sharon Moss who founded (this is for real) AfterTheRapturePetCare.com to provide post-apocalypse animal care.  Customers rushed to this site and willingly paid $10 to sign up for this service.  Even during the end of the world dedicated pet owners want their beloved animals given the best possible care.

Now that the day has come and gone there is a small part of me that almost feels bad for the followers of Harold Camping.  Every time people completely invest themselves and their money into something like this it must be painful to realize it was a mistake.  Maybe some lessons learned here should be that when someone is wrong on one apocalyptic prediction you might not want to pay attention to their next one.  Is it possible the bible or any holy book should not be interpreted through numerological formulas?  I think the best lesson for this can be found in the bible itself from the book of Romans “Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.”
(Special thanks to loyal reader Ed Becker of Wexford, Pa for providing the photo insert.)

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