RMN Flaming Idiot Award VIII

It is time for the eighth ever RMN Flaming Idiot Award.  This is an award given to those individuals who have distinguished themselves with behavior that demonstrates an IQ with a decimal point in the front.  As we all know these people are everywhere and especially in positions of power.

RMN Flaming Idiot Award VIII is bestowed upon the government inspector from the Early Childhood Environment Rating Scale-Revised program at the FPG Child Development Institute at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.  This is an organization consisting of people with no better way to justify their paychecks than to harass parents who make their preschool child’s lunch.

A February 14, 2012 article posted on the Civitas Institute website details the story of a mother whose daughter was forced to eat a school lunch because a government inspector determined the lunch she had made for her child did not meet nutrition requirements.  The child’s lunch consisted of a turkey and cheese sandwich, a banana, apple juice and potato chips. 

It seems pretty good to me.  When I was a kid I would’ve been quite happy with it.  Unfortunately according to a government inspector said she needed to provide a vegetable.  Hey, potatoes are vegetable.  I think that was covered by providing potato chips. 

I don’t know what the background of this inspector is but they're obviously one of those individuals you must wear sunglasses around least you be blinded by their brilliance.  (For all you inspectors from the FPG Child Development Institute, the previous sentence was called sarcasm and not intended to be confused with a compliment.)

Now the inspector had a novel solution.  This inspector made the little girl eat a helping of chicken nuggets (there’s health food for you), milk, fruit and a vegetable to supplement her sack lunch.  The young preschool girl felt so intimidated by the inspector she was too scared to eat all of her homemade lunch.  She only ate the chicken nuggets so she still didn’t eat a vegetable (The government over stepping its boundaries by trying to be a parent and in the process screwing up!)  

I would like to point out to the inspectors at the FPG Child Development Institute that in this country we’re worried about childhood obesity.  Now you people go running around scaring little kids while trying to get them to eat two lunches.  What are you thinking?

It appears in this school the lunches must meet the standards as dictated by the USDA meal guidelines and then enforced by the N.C. Division of Early Childhood Development.

The state of North Carolina now has food police?  The government in this state believes their parents are so stupid they can’t even fix a proper lunch for their children?  What’s next?  Are they going to punish a parent for not providing a proper computer?

I can imagine some poor mother being dragged into a darkened room and placed in a chair with the only light being from a single bulb dangling overhead.  Walking around the parent, dressed in a uniform and slapping a ridding crop in his hand is the inspector from the FPG Child Development Institute.

“Ve saw da lunch you sent vish your child.  Vhat are you doing?  You did not provide za milk az ve demand.  Vat have you to zay for youzelf you stupid non milk providing parent?”

“Well, little Johnny had milk at breakfast and he has milk every night for dinner so I thought it was no big deal.”

The inspector slaps the riding crop on the wall behind the parent scaring her and begins to yell.

“No big deal?  Madam are you insane?  Vis out dat milk your child could suffer any number of horrible disease vat could cause his flesh to just drop avay from his body den vhat would you do?”

“I think you’re being a little dramatic.”

“You don’t do da thinking here.  I do da thinking here.  Da state vill now be forced to take your child away because your poor milk attitude makes you an unfit parent.  Now get out of my sight.”

The mother is then dragged away crying and pleading with the inspector to keep her child.

There are many naive and gullible people out there who will believe the government was just trying to make sure children eat nutritious meals.  Then there are the rest of us who feel we don’t need the government to tell us how to feed our children.  We know if the government tells us how to feed our children they may then tell us how to live every aspect of our life.  I wonder if the parents in Norh Korea can feed their children what they want for lunch.

If you like my humor you'll love my books. $2.99 Kindle versions available.   

The History of Valentine’s Day or How the Retail Industry has become Our Master

Valentine’s Day is an occasion where the romantic recognition of your loved one comes at a price.  I was once near a group of women when I asked why this was done.  Why should expressing my romantic feelings for the love of my life take the form of a once-a-year monetary requirement?  I then heard the word cheap so often I thought I was in a barn filled with peeping chicks.  These females also had some rather dire predictions for the future of my love life.

Has anyone stopped to think how Valentine’s Day got started?  The Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or “Valentinus” who were all martyred.  It seems the Roman Emperor Claudius II felt single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families.  He decided to outlaw marriage for young men.  One of the Saint Valentines thought this was a bit of an over reaction.  He defied Claudius and continued to perform marriage ceremonies in secret.  Claudius was upset when he discovered this and had Valentine put to death.

Doesn’t that story just make you want to run out and buy a box of chocolates?

Now there are those who believe Valentine’s Day actually was celebrated in February to “Christianize” the pagan celebration of Lupercalia.  During this festival priests would sacrifice a goat for fertility and a dog for purification.

This was obviously a time before PETA was around.  I guess if the priest thing didn’t work out these guys they could always make some money as a butcher. 

The sacrificed animal’s hides were then made into strips, dipped in sacrificial animal blood and taken to the streets.  They were then used to gently slap women and crop fields.  Woman supposedly welcomed this experience as it was believed to make them more fertile in the coming year.

I guess in Rome nothing said I love you more than being slapped with a bloody animal hide. Those crazy Romans and their parties.  They came up with the best ways to celebrate things.

Later in the day young women would put their names in an urn.  The city’s bachelors would then choose a name from the urn.  The man and the chosen woman would then be a couple for the year.  This was probably the precursor to Matchmaker.com.  I think this is still done on some college campuses.

At the end of the 5th century Pope Gelasius declared February 14th St. Valentine's Day.  This is because he was a Pope and could do that kind of stuff.

The written Valentine didn’t begin to appear until around the 1400s.  The oldest one is a poem written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans who was imprisoned in the Tower of London.  It was a poem to his wife. 

I wonder if it went something like this.

I think of you each and ever hour

It sure sucks being stuck up in this tower

Thoughts of having your beautiful body makes me cheer

Almost as much as having hot chicken wings and cold beer

Actually, I just made that up.  I’m sure Duke Chuck’s poem was real different.

Exchanging hand-made Valentine’s Day cards started in America in the early 1700s.  Esther A. Howland began selling the first mass-produced valentines in the 1840s.  Since then many industries have discovered how to guilt people into buying their products for the February 14^th celebration.

Today the Valentine's Day message provided by retailers is clear.

“Show her you love her by sending flowers, buying her a card, jewelry, chocolates, taking her out to dinner, a resort hotel, a trip around the world and a flight into space.  If you don’t then she won’t be able to brag to her friends about what you got her.  This will make her think you don’t love her and your love life suffer.”

What a great message.

I realize it’s nice to acknowledge your loved one on Valentine’s Day. 

After explaining to my wife about the history of Valentine’s Day I asked if she wanted to celebrate it in the pure Roman tradition.  I told her I could hit her with a bloody animal hide and pull her name out of an urn.  She agreed as long as I had no problem being martyred.

If you like my humor you'll love my books. $2.99 Kindle versions available. Click here!