BODY LANGUAGE

            I have no idea how the change in my body occurred.  I was minding my own business when it happened one day.  When the aches and pains happened a second time I decided to go visit my doctor, an unsympathetic man about my age who feels I over react to everything.  I think he’ll never forgive me for inquiring if I would need hospice care after I had my appendix removed.

            When I told this doctor of mine about the aches and pains in my knees and back he did what most doctors love to do more than play golf, he ran tests.  So many different types of tests I felt a new condo in the Bahamas was now affordable to him because of me.  When I went to get the results of these many tests he gave me the shock of my life.

            “There’s really nothing wrong with you.  You’re just getting older and are a little more prone to having aches and pains in your knees and back.”

            “Well just do something to make it stop and we’ll call it even.”

            “Take some aspirin when it hurts and if it gets too bad just take it easy.”

            I was furious.

            “That’s it?  All those years of medical school and that’s the best you can do is tell me to take aspirin?  My grandmother could’ve told me that and unlike you I never enabled her to purchase a condo in the Bahamas.”

            “What condo?”

            “As if you don’t know.”

            I walked out of the doctor’s office a bit upset and claiming I’d never return for his substandard medical care which made it a typical visit for me.

            When I shared the details of my doctor’s diagnosis with my wife she just shrugged her shoulders and said nonchalantly “I know what you mean I get achy too.  Guess we’re just getting older and are going to have aches and pains like our parents.”

            “Traitor.  I bet you’re booked on a flight to the Bahamas.  Aren’t you?”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “Never mind.”

            I knew I would never be like my parents.  They complained about things before they happened, when they happened and for years after they happened.  I’d always prided myself on not having the whining, complaining gene passed on to me.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like if that had happened.

            Upon hearing of her father’s medical dilemma my daughter reacted like a demon had possessed her.

            “Yep, you’re getting older Dad.  Pretty soon we’re going to have to put you in an old folk’s home for really annoying dads.  I wouldn’t worry about my knees and back if I were you because I think your mind went a long time ago.”

            I do hate to dispense punishment on my child but there are circumstances that require swift discipline and this was one of them.

            “Don’t forget lovely daughter of mine that when you’re looking at your parents you’re actually looking at yourself in just a matter of time.”

            It was a cruel thing to say but I felt I had to say it.  The poor girl didn’t come out of shock for almost two days.

            Since it seemed as if the world wasn’t listening to me I decided to take matters into my own hand.  I wasn’t going to let some little aches and pains stop me from doing anything and continued with my regular activities and then some.  That was when I realized my body has developed a bit of an attitude.  It refused to do what I wanted and gave me even more aches and pains.  As I gulped down some aspirin before resting on our couch I told my wife if my body would just stop this ache and pain stuff everything would be okay.  It obviously was not me who was the problem in this situation but my body’s attitude about the whole thing.

            “I think you’re losing what few remaining functioning brain cells you may have, she said.  “Quit acting crazy right now and there may be hope.”

She then walked away shaking her head while muttering something about how crazy my father has always been.

            My friends share similar stories about their bodies developing attitudes as age slowly takes a grip on them.  One friend who could eat huge amounts of food without gaining weight said his body is now making him pay.  He said that these days a mere glance at a doughnut can cause him to gain five pounds.  Another friend was telling me his eyes which had worked so well for so long now need glasses.  I refuse to think about how gray has mysteriously appeared on the top of my head because I’ve been too occupied with my aches and pains.

            As a proud member of the baby boom generation I know exactly how I’m going to handle this aging stuff.  I’m going to live in a constant state of denial and refuse to acknowledge I’m not still young.  I’ll refuse to recognize the natural changes of my body and play victim to anyone who doesn’t see things my way.

            We may not be known as the greatest generation but we’ve always worked hard at trying to find a way to beat the system.

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DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND INSECURITY

            The people in our government who are in charge of running the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) have now officially lost their collective minds.  They have created a new program and have invested millions of tax-payer dollars on called “See Something Say Something.”  They’re providing the illusion of trying to protect citizens by having other citizens report activity they consider suspicious to local authorities.  I think suspicious is a pretty broad assumption.

            “I’m reporting you to Homeland Security.”

            “For what?”

            “Suspicious activity.”

            “What suspicious activity?”

            “Last week you got a new garbage can.”

            “I got tired of dragging the old one out to the curb and got one with wheels.”

            “Seems pretty suspicious to me.”

            The DHS decided to demonstrate their brilliance by investing $10 million dollars on a video for this program.  During the video white people are depicted as the terrorists but fear not, because black people, hispanic people and oriental people report them to the authorities and save the day.  It says not to pay attention to a person’s race in determining if they’re a terrorist.  I guess this is a good rule to follow unless you’re the DHS making a video about terrorism.  Then it’s important to show only white people as the terrorists.

            The video shows newspaper stories about Ted Kaczynski who was the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh who blew up the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City, the blond terrorist wanna be with blue eyes, Colleen Renee LaRose otherwise known as Jihad Jane.  This is the woman who never really committed an act of terrorism but conspired to help terrorists.  This is what DHS used as examples of terrorists.

I think with a little effort they might have included some stories from 9/11 and a few more.  I hate to be the one to point this out but I think the face of the modern terrorist is a little bit different.  Someone needs to tell Janet Napolitano and her gang at the DHS that she needs to lose some weight, get a new hairstyle and explain also to them the reason the DHS was created.  It wasn’t because of Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kaczynski or Colleen Renee LaRose.  The DHS was created after our country was attacked by Muslim men.  Muslim men are the ones who crashed planes into buildings killing thousands of people.  Maybe it’s me but I think if that 10 minute video the DHS made was worth anything it just might have mentioned that little detail.

            I wonder if the DHS knows that after blowing up the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City, Timothy McVeigh didn’t stand there yelling “God is Great.”  Do they realize that Ted Kaczynsk didn’t learn his trade at a training camp in the Middle East?  Are they aware that Colleen Renee LaRose actually tried to work with Muslim men to perform acts of terrorism?  It was a Muslim man who killed the soldiers at Fort Hood.  It was a Muslim man who tried to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb.  It was a Muslim man who tried to blow up a plane with an underwear bomb.  Maybe it’s me but I see a pattern here.  Fool that I am I just assumed the DHS did also.  (If Janet Napolitano is reading this the previous sentence was sarcasm and in no way represent an act of terrorism from a middle class white person.)

            I suppose we can’t expect much from an organization that now requires all of us to be radiated or molested in order to fly in a plane.  What’s next?  Is the DHS going to make a film that shows legions of white terrorists being stopped from murder and mayhem by Muslim men?  Given their inability to display reality I bet it’s been considered.

            I can’t speak for every neighborhood but where I live we don’t need DHS to tell anybody to see something and say something.  We have plenty of people who sit in their houses and see everything and say something even if you don’t wan to hear it.

            “Did you see the car our neighbor’s bought?  How can they afford such a thing on what that man makes at his job?”

            “How do you know how much he makes at his job?”

            “I don’t know but that car is too much for their budget.  They don’t even have a pool at their house.”

            “Maybe you should mind your own business.”

            “And people like you wonder why I have the DHS on speed dial.”

            “What?”

            “Never mind Mr. I really need to do some lawn work.”

            Maybe I should participate in the DHS program “See Something, Say Something.”  What I see is a department of the United States government acting like we’re in Nazi Germany where the citizens were encouraged to report on each other in order to create a police state.  I see the DHS failing badly at airport security as they’ve admitted to over 25,000 breaches of security during the time they’ve run things.  I see people such as six-year-old children, old people in wheelchairs and handicapped people who don’t fit the profile of a terrorist being treated as if they just came from a terrorist training camp in the middle east.  I see Americans having their fourth amendment rights obliterated in the name of security.  The only problem is I don’t think the DHS is the organization I want to say something to.

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DATING RITUALS GONE WILD

            For those you who are confused by modern day dating rituals fear not.  Finding your significant other was even more challenging years ago and in other societies.  I know when I was a teenager things were different.  If I asked a girl to a movie I had to present myself to the girl’s family before we left their house.  Her father had to threaten me with loaded weapons and more if I did anything that upset his daughter.  They wanted to know about me and my family and if we ever ate hot dogs that had been deep fried.
           Today things are different.  My friend’s son had a girlfriend for several years and failed to tell his parents.  He’d never actually been in the same room as his girlfriend but they had been on many cyber dates.  I don’t think this type dating counts.  If you never touch a girl you can’t say she’s your girlfriend.  If she can’t yell at you, be dramatic or get your parents to like her more than you it’s not official.  If you don’t believe me go look it up in the unwritten dating rules.

            If you had romantic desires in the 16^th and 17^th centuries in Europe and North America you could hang out in bed with a girl.  You’d have to be fully clothed and something called a bundling board would be put between you so you couldn’t actually touch.  I suppose this may have been the beginning of knock knock jokes.

            “Knock knock.”

            “Who’s there?”

            “Termites.”

            “Termites who?”

            “Termites are what I wish I had right now to get past this thing.”

            In China there is a Dai ethnic group that has a dating ritual that involves a spinning wheel and big skirts.  It seems the women sit around a fire with their spinning wheels, wearing their big skirts while the men of the village come and sing to them.  I wonder it they’re allowed to rap?

            “You so damn fine you spinning wheel chick.  Your wheel is the best because you’re so slick.  Don’t forget me my name is Rick.  You are hotter than a lit candle wick.”

            It gets better.  If a lady likes a guy she takes a stool from underneath her skirt and offers it to him.  If he likes her the man will put a blanket over her shoulder.  I suppose a popular song would be “If I like your stool you’ll love the blanket I put on you.”

            In Austria there was a time when women would attend balls with pieces of apple under their armpits.  I can only guess but I hope this was a time before Lady Speedstick was available.  At the end of the night and after sweating in those huge gowns, the woman would give the guy she liked the apple from under her arm.  If he liked her he’d take a bite.  I bet this was a time when men probably got excessively drunk at balls and probably didn’t care about where the woman had kept an apple. 

            “I think you’re such a hunk.  Here’s a piece of apple from my armpit I saved just for you.”

            “It looks good.  Before I eat it I’m going to put some ketchup on it.”

            “Oh you’re so gross.  Give me back my armpit apple piece.”

            “Fine, don’t forget you’re not the only woman here with armpit apple pieces.”

            Back in the days of the tough Viking women would walk around with empty knife sheaths around their waists.  If a guy Viking wanted the girl he’d go up and put his knife in her empty sheath.  Boy would it be awkward if a guy put a knife in a girl’s sheath and she said she wasn’t dating she just forgot to put her knife in her sheath that day.  How horrible would it be to see the woman of your dreams and be unable to find your knife? 

            During Victorian times men could not visit a girl for more than 15 minutes at a time and he had to wear gloves to demonstrate his intention of honoring the woman.  Any kind of touching was forbidden unless the couple was engaged.  Ice-skating and roller-skating were quite popular because they were considered suitable activities where couples could touch one another.  It’s now understandable why hockey and roller derby have become so popular.

            There were Native North American tribes where men who wanted a girl would have to play a love serenade on their flutes in front of the entire tribe.  If the girl liked him, he could ask her to share his courting blanket.  If she didn’t like him another guy was then able to try and get the girl by playing his flute.  I guess it’s just not just our society where the best musicians get all the girls.

            I think it’s interesting that every society has a different way of choosing a mate.  When I was first interested in my wife I invited her to a mutual friend’s party.  She invited me to lunch then I took her to a major league baseball game and we started spending quite a bit of time together.  I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had to eat an armpit apple piece or play a flute for her.  I just tried to prove the depth of my feelings toward her and make known my desire to make a commitment.  Maybe that’s the real goal of all dating rituals.  You do what you have to do to get the woman you want.

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LEMON POLICE

            The people of Midway, GA have a problem.  They have a police chief who thinks the citizens of that town are stupid.  The police chief thinks the citizens of Midway, GA are so stupid she felt justified in shutting down two girls selling lemonade in front of their home.  The girls wanted to earn some money so they could go to the water park Splash near where they lived.  The police must not have been too busy that day since they felt it necessary to protect the citizenry from the evils of young girls selling lemonade. 

            Their Police Chief at Midway, GA is an interesting female by the name of Kelly Morningstar.  Chief Morningstar felt she had some valid reasons to shut down the lemonade stand.  She said they were not aware of how the lemonade was made, who made the lemonade, of what the lemonade was made with so she acted according to the city ordinance.  I disagree.  I think she acted according to the lack of brain cell activity possessed by she and anybody who believes Chief Morningstar did the right thing.

            Someone needs to get these people together and sit them down for a nice long talk.  I don’t know what planet Chief Morningstar is from but in the world where I grew up seeing lemonade stands in the summer run by kids trying to make a few dollars is almost an American tradition.  I come from a long line of summer lemonade stand entrepreneurs.  My father had one when he was a kid, I had one growing up and my daughter had one when she was younger.  As someone with such an extensive lemonade stand background I find her statements absurd.

            Chief Morningstar claims she didn’t know how the lemonade was made.  Someone should tell this policewoman making lemonade is not a really complex operation.  These days you usually go to a store, buy some lemonade mix, put some of that in a pitcher, throw in some water and presto you have lemonade.  With her lack of knowledge when it comes to preparing things I can only imagine it’s best to avoid what she brings to a picnic.

            She also claims she didn’t know who made the lemonade of what the lemonade was made with.  I’m sure if she watches reruns of some detective shows she can sharpen those law enforcement skills of hers and discover it just may have been the little girls or their parents who made the lemonade.  It’s just a wild guess on my part.  Chief Morningstar claims she didn’t know what the lemonade was made with.  I guess there’s been a widespread occurrence of lemonade and illegal drug stands around Midway, GA.  Maybe she could’ve field tested the lemonade for drugs or any other horrible thing that could have been contained in the drinks sold at lemonade stands. 

            “Did you test the lemonade from those little girls’s stand?”

            “Yes.”

            “Is it filled with illegal substances that will enable us to arrest them right now?”

            “Not really.”

            “What did you find?”

            “They used the really cheap lemonade mix.”

            “That’s all I need.  We must protect the public from cheap lemonade mixes.  You put on the handcuffs and I’ll read them their rights.”

            Now here’s where the police chief let the people of Midway know she thinks they’re a bunch of idiots.  She said based on the city ordinance the girls must have a business license, peddler’s permit and food permit in order to set up shop even on residential property.  Huh?  Unfortunately I can read and the Midway, GA city ordinances are online.  They define a business as “Any person shall be deemed to be engaged in business and thus subject to the requirements of this article when…selling any goods or service or solicits business or offers goods or services for sale for payment in an attempt to make a profit…”

            I don’t believe people who walk upright and are literate could consider two girls trying to make some money from a lemonade stand in order to go to a water park a profit driven business venture.  If they do they’ve never had a lemonade stand as a kid.  Selling that stuff gets boring after awhile.  The life expectancy of a lemonade stand is usually a few hours.  The novelty wears off pretty quick and then doing other fun summer stuff seems more important.

            Since the lemonade stand was shut down the girls have been doing extra chores and yard work to make money.  (If any member of the Midway, GA police department is reading this the following is sarcasm.  I think it may even be legal in your town.  I suggest you check your city ordinances) Where are the police on this one?  Why don’t they shut down girls doing yard work?  I’m sure they don’t know the skill level of the kids when it comes to using yard working tools.  Do they know where the tools came from or even what’s in the yards they’ll be working on for money?  How can the public feel safe if the police department shuts down renegade lemonade stands yet ignores the risk of yard work?

            The real sad part is the girls were probably having fun selling lemonade at their stand.  It’s a great way to learn about business and earning money.  The lesson the police provided for these girls was that government always tries to control you and thinks you’re stupid.  I guess it’s a lesson they had to learn sooner or later. 

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INFORMATIONLESS STUDIES

            Sometimes I believe that performing studies must be one of the best jobs in the world.  You get paid to spend your days gathering a lot of useless information using suspect means.  The media will then take your study and use in their stories as a way to prove things that nobody with functioning brain cells would ever believe.  Once this is done any politician looking to be reelected will use your study to pass legislation and make it a corner stone of their campaign.

In the world of people who believe in studies I guess it shouldn’t matter if the elastic waistband industry has paid for a study that demonstrates the huge importance of their product.  Who could possibly believe money would have any influence on a scientific report showing the many positive health benefits of elastic waist bands?  If waistband safety was a political issue politicians would refer to the research analysis in every debate.  Probably wouldn’t matter to anyone the study consisted of asking some people via Email if they liked elastic waistbands and what free gift certificate for a local restaurant they wanted for taking the survey.

In today’s society many single people don’t seem to believe in fate.  These are people who try to eliminate the chance of not finding someone who they feel is perfect for them.  Many of these singles will read studies and evaluate such information as if it actually has some sort of validity.  I guess it’s easier than thinking for yourself.

            A dating service called okCupid recently posted a series of charts based on data obtained from the people who use their service.  It showed that people who use Twitter every day have shorter relationships than others.  To me the reason for this is simple.  If you’re used to holding a conversation that only contains 140 characters how interesting could your conversations possibly be?  Maybe it’s me but with that type of limitation I couldn’t even begin explain why I’m worried about my favorite sports team not making it to the playoffs.  That’s not even enough space for important things like properly complaining about your boss or trying to talk someone into making a beer run. 

            I’ve never been to the Netherlands but people at the Radboud University of Nijmegan located there did two studies to find out why mixed-sex interactions temporarily cause men to experience a decline in cognitive functioning.  Now I know science is believed to always be trying for new discoveries that will benefit society but who can’t figure this one out?  Men are always thinking about sex.  It’s how men were designed.  How else would strip clubs and porn make any money?

            In one study 40 male participants tended to perform worse on a cognitive task following the mixed-sex interaction.  In the second study 53 men and 58 women participated and the men really sucked when it came to very cognitively demanding tasks after mixed-sex interaction.  What the study doesn’t tell you is what the women were wearing.  If they were wearing a Burka men would’ve probably been able to pay attention better to what they were doing than if they were interacting with good looking women wearing bikinis.  Any man who has gone swimming at a pool near a college understands the struggle involved with maintaining focus on anything such as walking.

            Now there is also a study by the University of Geneva in Switzerland that suggests how attractive a guy is can be determined by the ratio of length between his right index and ring fingers.  Now the researches from this study will tell you the so called 2D:4D ratio is important because it is driven by the sex hormone testosterone. 

I hope someone tells these researchers that women will probably look at other things on a man than his fingers to determine his attractiveness.  I think there are some Swiss researchers who desperately need a vacation in a warm climate.

            “I know you’ve just been voted the most attractive man in the universe based on your looks and charm but we can’t give you this award.”

            “Why?”

            “Just look at your index and ring fingers.  Your 2D:4D ratio designates you as quite ugly so we’re sorry.”

            “I have another finger I’d like you to check out right now that puts my feelings about your ratio into perspective.”

            “Oh.”

            Now the research at the University of Edinburgh says they have a study that shows people who watch romantic comedies were more likely to believe in predestined love than those who preferred other genres of movies.  How did they conduct this study?  They played romantic comedies for 100 student volunteers while another 100 watched a David Lynch drama and when the movies were over the participants filled out a questionnaire.

            (WARNING the following is sarcasm intended to point out how the previous study mentioned was absolutely ridicules)

            Boy does this stupid research provide valuable information.  Since they’re so good at this why don’t they have a study where people watch Batman movies and see if participants are more likely to have an unrealistic view of fighting crime?  How about if we have people watch Halloween movies and see if those people have a warped concept on the proper use of a goalie’s mask.  How about if we hand out a questionnaire and see if people think this is one of the most stupid studies ever done?

            It is time people started to challenge all studies and how they’re conducted.  It’s painfully obvious that scientists and researchers think we are all really idiotic and will believe anything they tell us.  As a wise man once told me “Just because they say it’s so, don’t make it so, it’s gotta make sense.”

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