WACKY WARNING LABELS CONTEST

            The 14^th annual Wacky Warning Labels Contest is being held by the Atlanta-based nonprofit group, The Center for America.  I don’t know what I find the most disturbing about this contest.  The fact that there is enough crazy warning labels to hold such a contest or the fact that it has gone on for 14 years.  There are probably two main groups of people responsible for the current level of wackiness contained within warning labels.  Stupid, greedy people who feel they’re not responsible for anything they do and smart, greedy attorneys who make a profit from people not being responsible for anything they do.  These two can certainly be considered the one, two punch of the civil litigation world.

            Some of the labels in the contest are “Does not supply oxygen” on a dust mask.  How did this happen?  I know I’ve always had to fight the urge to run into an oxygen deprived room with a dust mask on believing it would enable me to continue breathing.  To be honest, when I felt that urge, there was always a little voice inside my mind that told me not to because it would be stupid and I can’t afford a smart, greedy attorney.  Another label issues a warning to bike riders. “The action depicted in this brochure is potentially dangerous.  The riders are experts or professionals.”  The brochure then shows pictures of children on bicycles with training wheels.  I suppose the last thing you would want is a rank amateur riding a bike with training wheels.  It probably took years of law suits form many stupid, greedy people to create this warning label.

            How do people come up with these warning labels?  I can only imagine what takes place in some conference rooms located in corporate America.  Filled with business people sitting around talking to their attorneys the conversation may seem a little crazy.

            “We’re going to market a rubber baseball.  What exactly should we include on the warning label that goes with it? 

            “Choking hazard should be on it.  Had a case once where a kid stuffed a rubber ball like this down his brother’s throat.  The boy was an idiot but the jury saw him as a victim.  Also need to mention rubber ball is not to be confused with a real baseball.  A rubber baseball was once mistakenly used during a minor league game.  It was hit into the stands and smacked off the head of one fan, then bounced off the heads of several other fans before a player caught it.  Looked like a game of human pinball.”

            “Did these people actually sue?”

            “The family of the idiot kids who purposely tried to fit the ball down his brother’s throat won millions in litigation.  The jury felt there was no way one sibling could possibly know not to shove a rubber ball down his brother’s throat without it being mentioned on a warning label.  They were perceived as victims of corporate negligence.” 

“We’ll be sure to put that on.  Did the baseball fans win anything?”

“The fans hit with the rubber ball made quite a bit of money also.  Their injuries were minor but they were coached by a Hollywood acting director and were quite impressive during trial.  The jury believed the fans all suffered from Rubber Ball Head Smack Syndrome and were victims of corporate negligence.”

            “What can we put on the warning label to protect us in all circumstances from greedy, stupid people?”

            “This product is not for use by idiots.  We are not responsible for the use of our product by any and all idiotic members of society who are stupid, greedy and can afford a good attorney.”

            “That should work.”

            I often wonder what life would be like if we could place warning labels on certain people.  How about male politicians?

            WARNING: Vote for this person with extreme caution.  Has excessive ego and tends to be unable to distinguish between truth and blatant lies.  You could be easily drawn into a fantasy world of their making and lose touch with reality.  Has been known to take huge amounts of money contributed to them and still want more.  It is advised that attractive females keep a safe distance of at least 20 feet from this person at all times.  Secret pregnancies have been known to occur so use extreme caution in order to avoid personal and public scandal. 

            What about a warning label we should put on some professional athletes?

            WARNING: Has ego that can challenge that of a politician.  No matter how much money earns still feels victimized.  Use extreme caution as this person has been proven to have the intelligence level of a door knob.  Easily embarrasses self when attempting to not look like an idiot when rendering opinion on current events.  Can easily damage self by constantly looking into mirror when walking or taking pictures of self when driving.  May feel laws apply to people other than themselves.  Never has any idea why police have an issue with them offering free game-day tickets to avoid arrest.

            It is almost frightening that businesses have to go to such extremes to protect themselves.  Greedy, stupid people in our society are numerous and wield great power.  The reason for this is simple.  They are usually the ones we elect into office and write laws that keep Wacky Warning Labels a permanent part of our society.

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May is Zombie Awareness Month. A Real Story

The month of May is officially Zombie Awareness Month.  Unfortunately, this is not a joke but true. It was created by the Zombie Research Society.  These people are united in saving the world from a fast-approaching Zombie pandemic.  This is one group of people who are a therapist dream. 

Now it’s not enough to just have a month dedicated to Zombies, this group of individuals believes you should also wear a gray ribbon during the month of May to (are you ready for this?) signify the undead shadows that lurk behind our modern light of day.  Talk about bad things that happen to people when their cable is out too long.

Since when do Zombies deserve an entire month?  Presidents, Martin Luther King and even the birth of Jesus only get one day.  Did a Zombie ever invent something important or lead a crusade against society for Zombie rights?  I’m sure no Zombie ever was a great political leader or a notable military strategist.  I’m sure their idea of helping the homeless would be to put them on the menu.

What is it exactly that a Zombie does all day?  I’m sure many people struggle to look for work, but I can only imagine what it would be like if you were undead.  You always see Zombies walking around in movies looking scary and being unaware when their body parts fall off.  I guess that deserves recognition.  Sure they make some living people their dinners and a few others they just nibble on to turn into fellow Zombies, but does that mean they deserve an entire month?  What would happen if members of the Zombie Research Society ever went before Congress to get federal recognition of Zombie Awareness Month?

A sea of reporters lines the back of a chamber in Congress awaiting the beginning of the proceedings.  Into the chamber walks a group of Zombies.  They go past a horrified crowd talking and pointing at them.  The Zombies sit down at desks before the elected officials.  Congressmen and Senators look down at them from their elevated position.

“Now as I understand it you Zombies want federal recognition of Zombie Awareness Month.  I must tell you I am not very happy with your group.  You’ve devoured a few of the reporters out there but not the ones that write bad stories about me.  Why do you do such things?”

The Zombies look at each other and in a low monotone sound grumble, moan and groan.  Suddenly one of them stands up and his arm falls off.

“We’re sorry Senator.  We were hungry.  As you know we in the living dead community are unable to eat food like we did when we were actually alive.  Sorry for getting the wrong reporter.  We’ll try and do better next time.  Please understand this recognition would mean so much to all of us Zombies.  It’s not easy being undead.  The majority of society just doesn’t understand us.  Sure, we eat some people and chew on others to make more Zombies but it’s not our fault.  That’s just the way we’re made.  It’s not like any of us wanted this for ourselves.  We didn’t run up to a Zombie and ask to be bitten and become undead.  It happens to some people and when it does we have to accept who we are.  Can’t anyone understand we don’t like being Zombies either?  Where’s the compassion in our society?”

A mixture of crowd voices arises as a woman in the audience dabs her eye to prevent a tear from rolling down her cheek.  Other people look at the Zombies with warm smiles and some even pat them on the shoulder and watch the Zombies arms fall off.  It’s a touching moment.  The Senator pounds the gavel as silence slowly comes to the chamber.

“You’ve made a compelling argument.  I move that we officially recognize Zombie Awareness Month.  I also think our government should spend millions of tax-payer dollars on Zombie sensitivity training as well as training and education for the undead.  I believe it’s important for even the undead to be given the opportunity to become a productive member of society.”

The crowd erupts with applause as the senator pins on his gray ribbon.  The Zombies try to clap but unfortunately, their body parts fall off and some of them begin eating a bailiff

I can only imagine the type of questions someone gets when wearing a gray ribbon.

“Is your ribbon for AIDS awareness?

“No.”

“Breast Cancer awareness?

“No.”

“Clumsy Child awareness?

“No.  Zombie Awareness Month.”

“What?”

“Hey, if you think things are tough for the living can you imagine the struggles experienced by the undead?

“You have a point.”

Many of my friends see something like this and tell me I need to have an open mind. I agree there are many times when having an open mind to something ridiculous can cause a bunch of nonsense to clog your common sense thinking.

Here is a link to the story.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/zombie-awareness-month_n_856044

Here is a funny video from It is a Glorious Day.

It is called: Kinemortophobia is a fear of zombies and it's for real

Houston We Have A Dog Bite

        
In a new survey Houston, TX has been rated as the most dangerous city in America to be a postman.  This large Texas metropolis had 62 people who deliver the mail experience dog bites last year.  The second runners up to those who permit their dogs to use postman as chew toys is a tie between San Diego and Columbus, OH at a mere 45 postmen.  In all, there were 5,669 postal workers who were attacked in more than 1,400 cities last year.  The postal service paid about $1.2 million in medical costs caused by dog bites.  Before those 62 dog owners in Houston take to the streets chanting “we’re number one” let’s just think about this for a minute.

            A responsible pet owner is a joy.  We have such dog owners in my neighborhood.  These are people who have friendly, happy well-behaved dogs.  I look forward to walking past their home or seeing them on walks and petting their pleasant canines.  The type of pet owner you never hear about because they do the right thing.

Then there’s the other type of dog owner.  I think you know the type I’m talking about.  The kind who won’t bother picking up their dog’s droppings from your lawn because they feel they’re giving you free fertilizer.  The person who thinks if their pet chases your child up a tree they’re providing them with an exercise routine.

The type of dog owner who says things like “Aw, he won’t hurt you too badly, leastways not enough that a little soap, water, and a few stitches can’t fix.”

Unfortunately, the post office is losing quite a bit of money every year.  They’re probably unable to afford proper protection for their postal carriers from dogs.  I’m sure there are many technological advances that could easily solve this problem.  Picture an armored postal truck pulling up in front of your house.  A person emerges wearing a military-style postal uniform complete with helmet, goggles and a microphone next to his mouth.  He takes a few steps and holds out an electronic device.

“Have done a canine scan and the area seems clear.”

“Roger, Going Postal.  You have clearance to proceed and put mail in the mailbox.”

As the postman walks toward the mailbox he hears a person screaming through his earphone.

“There’s a canine fast approaching at three o’clock use your neutralizer.”

The postman turns around to see a Doberman pincher running toward him.  He lifts his arm as a beam of light shoots from a device on his wrist.  It hits the dog.  The Doberman pincher instantly stops and is unable to move.

“Good call Return Receipt.  Mail has been delivered and now heading back to the vehicle.”

“Roger, Going Postal.  All systems go for delivery at next house.”

I’m sure a system like that could easily be developed with money saved from no longer needing to pay medical costs for dog bites.

Since high tech is not an option for the postal service it has taken a rather low-tech approach.  They’re working with animal behavior experts to develop tips for dog owners on practicing responsible pet ownership.  Huh?  I hate to mention this but why does the postal service think that someone who is clueless on how to keep their dog from biting people will experience an epiphany when the postal service provides them with information? 

“You know I just never did realize ole’ Buster wasn’t supposed to go out and chew on the poor fella’ wearing that blue uniform.  Why, when he’d get here and see Buster come after him that guy would just scream and run up a tree or dive back into his truck.  There would be ole’ Buster just a-Barkin' and a growlin’ at him.  I thought that was just a fun game those two were playing is all.  I’m gonna’ read that information you gave me someday if Buster ain’t tore it up by then ‘cause he does that you know.”

Maybe a better approach would be to make some pet owners go to obedience school.

The brilliance of this plan only gets better.  The postal service is issuing guidelines on how to avoid dog bites to their postal carriers.  One of the tips is “Don’t run past a dog.”  This is probably very important because when it comes to delivering the mail I see postal carriers just running at top speed from house to house.  I’m sure more than a few Olympic athletes got their start from delivering the mail.  Another priceless gem is “If a dog threatens you, don’t scream.”  I suppose that makes sense.  It’s not like it says you’re not supposed to pray, soil yourself or go on an obscenity-laced rant against the dog’s owner.  I suppose all those things are still acceptable.

It’s a shame that this has to be done at all.  In a perfect world, postal carriers wouldn’t have to worry about such things and dogs would be taught proper behavior.  Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and it’s usually not the dogs that need to learn proper behavior.

Here is a link to the article.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/8512238/Houston-most-dangerous-US-city-for-a-postman.html

Here is a funny video from It is a Glorious Day.

It is called: Insult Psychology

 

HOW TO TALK TO A TERRORIST

            It has been revealed that the use of enhanced interrogation techniques led to information that ultimately enabled Navy SEALs to assist Osama bin Laden with his departure from this world.  Some have felt this news was a validation for the use enhanced interrogation techniques.  Others feel enhanced interrogation techniques are torture and feel it is beneath contempt to use such methods on another human being no matter what the situation.  Huh?

            For those who pound their chests and claim the moral high ground lets put this into perspective.  Osama bin Laden was a very bad man.  He did very bad things.  He was found by the use of proven methods that motivated people to give up valuable information.  These people, who experienced these harsh methods, were also very bad men who did very bad things.  Anyone who feels they’ve got the moral high ground must realize these terrorists would have no problem separating them from their head while singing a happy song.  These terrorists would have no problem instructing someone to put on a vest and blow them up as they walked down the street with their family.  Watching a plane filled with people on this moral high ground fall out of the sky due to one of their bombs would cause the terrorist happiness.  They would not only take pleasure in doing such a thing but be filled with so much joy they’d post a video of it on YouTube for the world to see. 

            There is a very good reason certain people can easily take the moral high ground on this issue.  Members of the US military and federal government have dedicated their lives to protecting them from the bad guys.  It’s easy for such people to condemn the methods used for their protection, since they don’t have to experience these bad men on a personal level.  I feel these people would have an entirely different attitude should they be held down with a sharp knife placed next to their throat by a singing jihadist.  They may begin to see the benefits of enhanced interrogation techniques should they ever be injured by the blast of a terrorist bombing.  Since the use of enhanced interrogation techniques led to the demise of Osama bin Laden we must all think about the many people who will not suffer a horrible death caused by an act of terrorism.

            I often wonder how people against enhanced interrogation techniques would get important information from a prisoner.  They often talk about more effective methods but they never provide any alternatives.

            Picture a jihadist wearing chains brought into a room.  As he sits down the hatred he feels for all those around him shows in his ice cold stare.  In flounces a woman dressed in an expensive outfit carrying a Starbucks coffee in one hand while talking on her cell phone with the other.  She stops the call, puts her things down on a table and sits across from the jihadist.

            “You know what buddy?  These people think you won’t talk to me.  They think I can’t get information about future terrorist attacks from you.  Do you believe that?  Me not get a man to talk?  I said I have my own methods.  So, why don’t you just tell me about your next terrorist attack so we can all go home?  What do you say?”

            “You American women are all vile disgusting whores.  It is beneath me to say anything to you.  It my culture a woman such as you would show respect for a man.  If she did not, she would be properly disciplined.”

            “Now there you go with that attitude.  Why don’t you tell me what you want and maybe we can make a deal.”

            “I want death to all infidels and the entire world to be ruled by Sharia Law.”

            “I don’t know if I can do that for you.  How about a trip to Las Vegas?  I have some friends I’m sure you’d just love to meet.  Just give me that future terrorist attack info and we can be on our way.”

            “I hate you.  When I get free from here I will cut off your head and stick it in the sewer where waste like you belongs.  I will kill every member of your family you infidel dog.”

            “Now that really hurt my feelings.  I’m sure your childhood wasn’t the best.  I bet you’re just a neglected child looking for love and acceptance.  Isn’t that it?”

            At that moment the jihadist hurls saliva that lands on the woman’s cashmere sweater.

            “Oh you disgusting man.  Do you realize that’s my favorite cashmere sweater?” 

            The woman knocks on the door.  A guard walks in asking what’s going on.  She points to the jihadist and starts yelling.

            “That man just ruined my cashmere sweater.  Nobody makes a mess out of my outfits and gets away with it.  Water board that sucker.  Put flaming bamboo shoots under his finger nails.  Force him to watch reruns of Rosanne.  I don’t care.  I can’t deal with a person who has no respect for fashion.”

            I guess it’s easy to take the moral high ground when you’re not personally involved.  Maybe we should consider that doing what works to save thousands of innocent lives just might be where the real moral high ground is located.

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Pee Power Could Be Next All-Natural Fuel Source

            In an effort to meet our country’s energy demands and help us find a safe and clean alternative to fossil fuels researchers at Ohio University have come with a new and unique energy source.  It’s called human urine.  That’s right fellow energy consumers, someday we may all be lucky enough to enjoy the many benefits associated with “Pee Power.”

            According to the OU researchers, urine may be nearly 99 percent water but there is an impressive amount of hydrogen remaining in that last one percent.  That hydrogen comes from an organic compound called urea.  Who knew that someday rather than experience stress while filling up our gas tank we’ll be able to just tap into our kidneys.

            To put things in perspective the OU scientific aces state that if you could collect the urine from all 24,000 students at Ohio University you could power 60 buildings every day.  I’m sure there would be some new rules for students and faculty at any university trying to power their buildings with urine.  I can just see administrators explaining the schools new policies to the student body.

            “We have now instituted a new program this school year to utilize the new yellow (couldn’t resist) energy source.  We call it “Pee So We Can Be Fossil Fuel Free.” This year male students will not be permitted to write their names in the snow or do any artwork.  Fraternities are forbidden from making pledges write the Gettysburg address or plays from Shakespeare in the snow or on a dry sidewalk.  Don’t forget we have buildings we need to heat.  With the help of the students and faculty, we should be able to harvest enough urine to power all the buildings on campus and maybe even some buildings off campus.  So far the response to this new program has been overwhelming.  Students are volunteering by droves to turn beer into fuel.  We all hope this is just the beginning of our energy independence.”

            I’d like to ask these OU researchers if all urine is created equal.  I mean, since we have different grades of gasoline will there be such a thing as high octane urine?  If so, what would be in the high octane that isn’t in the regular?  Can you imagine the advertisements for something like this?

            “Is your car not performing right?  Is it unresponsive when going uphill?  Think it could be your fuel?  Try our new High Octane Pee Supreme.  A special blend of urine made from people who drank alcohol for hours before passing out.  When our special urine formula is used in combination with the urine from drunks it produces a fuel that is hard to beat.  So remember, don’t let your car’s performance make you scream.  Just fill up your tank with High Octane Pee Supreme.”

            I’m sure such a new industry will create many new and high paying jobs.

            “I’ve looked over your application and have a few questions.  How long have you been peeing?”

            “Well, pretty much all of my life.  I’ve been told I really have a gift for it.  I think I have what it takes to be a professional.”

            The interviewer throws the application down on his desk as disgust shows on his face.

            “I hope you don’t think work around here is just as easy as giving a sample to your doctor.  We demand results.  It’s not for everybody.  I’ve seen people come in here who thought they had what it takes only to find out their kidneys couldn’t handle the demands we put on them.  Some people develop stream issues.  We have goals that must be met.  Do you understand?”

            “Yes, sir.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  All I’ve ever wanted my whole life is to pee for a living.  If I were to be hired by this company it would be a dream come true.”

            “That’s the spirit.  I like your attitude.”

            “Thank you.”

            I can only imagine in time the pee industry would become quite successful and piss people off (sorry, couldn’t resist).  They would make obscene profits and eventually become the object of governmental investigations.

            “Senator, I promise you we only charge what we have to for our product.  We have a lot of expenses.  There are the beer, coffee and other liquids we must provide.  Our pee extraction process is quite expensive.  Our profits are often diminished by our need to constantly research and develop new types of urine.”

            “As CEO of Wee Wee Industries do you sit there and expect me to believe urine futures would bring such obnoxious profits without you artificially keeping the price high?”

            “Ah, yes, paying for the reelection of congressmen and senators, as you well know, is very expensive.  Why, you senator have taken our donations, gone on trips we’ve provided for you and your family.  Remember down in your home state there was that girl named Bulea Mae?”

            The senator pounds his gavel.

            “I declare these proceedings complete.  Now, why don’t you nice fellas’ just go out and sell some pee.”

            If we ever get off of fossil fuels I predict the more things change; the more they’ll stay the same.

Here is a link to the story.

https://www.ohio.edu/research/communications/e3.cfm