The 14th annual Wacky Warning Labels Contest is being held by the Atlanta-based nonprofit group, The Center for America. I don’t know what I find the most disturbing about this contest. The fact that there is enough crazy warning labels to hold such a contest or the fact that it has gone on for 14 years. There are probably two main groups of people responsible for the current level of wackiness contained within warning labels. Stupid, greedy people who feel they’re not responsible for anything they do and smart, greedy attorneys who make a profit from people not being responsible for anything they do. These two can certainly be considered the one, two punch of the civil litigation world.
Some of the labels in the contest are “Does not supply oxygen” on a dust mask. How did this happen? I know I’ve always had to fight the urge to run into an oxygen deprived room with a dust mask on believing it would enable me to continue breathing. To be honest, when I felt that urge, there was always a little voice inside my mind that told me not to because it would be stupid and I can’t afford a smart, greedy attorney. Another label issues a warning to bike riders. “The action depicted in this brochure is potentially dangerous. The riders are experts or professionals.” The brochure then shows pictures of children on bicycles with training wheels. I suppose the last thing you would want is a rank amateur riding a bike with training wheels. It probably took years of law suits form many stupid, greedy people to create this warning label.
How do people come up with these warning labels? I can only imagine what takes place in some conference rooms located in corporate America. Filled with business people sitting around talking to their attorneys the conversation may seem a little crazy.
“We’re going to market a rubber baseball. What exactly should we include on the warning label that goes with it?
“Choking hazard should be on it. Had a case once where a kid stuffed a rubber ball like this down his brother’s throat. The boy was an idiot but the jury saw him as a victim. Also need to mention rubber ball is not to be confused with a real baseball. A rubber baseball was once mistakenly used during a minor league game. It was hit into the stands and smacked off the head of one fan, then bounced off the heads of several other fans before a player caught it. Looked like a game of human pinball.”
“Did these people actually sue?”
“The family of the idiot kids who purposely tried to fit the ball down his brother’s throat won millions in litigation. The jury felt there was no way one sibling could possibly know not to shove a rubber ball down his brother’s throat without it being mentioned on a warning label. They were perceived as victims of corporate negligence.”
“We’ll be sure to put that on. Did the baseball fans win anything?”
“The fans hit with the rubber ball made quite a bit of money also. Their injuries were minor but they were coached by a Hollywood acting director and were quite impressive during trial. The jury believed the fans all suffered from Rubber Ball Head Smack Syndrome and were victims of corporate negligence.”
“What can we put on the warning label to protect us in all circumstances from greedy, stupid people?”
“This product is not for use by idiots. We are not responsible for the use of our product by any and all idiotic members of society who are stupid, greedy and can afford a good attorney.”
“That should work.”
I often wonder what life would be like if we could place warning labels on certain people. How about male politicians?
WARNING: Vote for this person with extreme caution. Has excessive ego and tends to be unable to distinguish between truth and blatant lies. You could be easily drawn into a fantasy world of their making and lose touch with reality. Has been known to take huge amounts of money contributed to them and still want more. It is advised that attractive females keep a safe distance of at least 20 feet from this person at all times. Secret pregnancies have been known to occur so use extreme caution in order to avoid personal and public scandal.
What about a warning label we should put on some professional athletes?
WARNING: Has ego that can challenge that of a politician. No matter how much money earns still feels victimized. Use extreme caution as this person has been proven to have the intelligence level of a door knob. Easily embarrasses self when attempting to not look like an idiot when rendering opinion on current events. Can easily damage self by constantly looking into mirror when walking or taking pictures of self when driving. May feel laws apply to people other than themselves. Never has any idea why police have an issue with them offering free game-day tickets to avoid arrest.
It is almost frightening that businesses have to go to such extremes to protect themselves. Greedy, stupid people in our society are numerous and wield great power. The reason for this is simple. They are usually the ones we elect into office and write laws that keep Wacky Warning Labels a permanent part of our society.
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