AL QAEDA CUPCAKES

            I bet that many Al-Qaeda terrorists are probably just regular people.  If it wasn’t for the fact they spend their day figuring out new and different ways to kill citizens of foreign countries and planning events to slaughter innocent people, I’m sure they’d never get noticed.  The actual murdering of individuals is probably similar to a holiday for them.  They spend so much time and energy planning for something that is over so quickly.  It appears that many members of the terrorist community feel they’re an underserved demographic. To show terrorists are a viable market for business a new English-language online magazine was created to meet their special needs. 

            Recently a key article featured in this terrorist targeted magazine was a recipe showing how to make a lethal pipe bomb using sugar, match heads and a miniature light bulb attached to a timer.  Obviously the type of article filled with valuable information for both the experienced and aspiring terrorist.  The only problem is that British intelligence was able to hack into that particular web page.  The pipe bomb recipe was then replaced with recipes for “The Best Cupcakes in America” published by the Ellen DeGeneres chat show.  I can only imagine the confusion this caused all terrorists who read the article.

            “Aazim, what is wrong with our bombs?”

            “I don’t know Mufti.  They don’t blow up but they smell very good.”

            “This is truly a problem.”

            “I know what you are saying.  I must confess that I ate the first two bombs.”

            “What happened to the rest of them?”

            “When I put them out people stopped by and took one before I could bury them.”

            “Such infidels will die for eating our bombs and causing us such embarrassment.”

            “I think I’ll try a different frosting next time.”

            The recipes included one for the Mojito Cupcake which is made of white rum cake and draped in vanilla butter cream.  Take one of those cupcakes combined with some coffee and those terrorists would be too wired to do much.  I can just imagine them buzzing around after a few Mojito Cupcakes.

            “Will you hold still?  I can get the bomb vest on you.”

            “Too much coffee, too many cupcakes gotta keep moving.”

            “If you don’t slow down I’m going to have the camel sit on you.”

            “Forget the camel I can easily run to the land of the infidels to let them feel Allah’s wrath.”

            What could the title of such a magazine be?  “Terrorism Illustrated” maybe “Jihad Digest” or how about “Murdering Infidels for Fun and Profit.”  The magazine was in color and 67 pages long.  Some of the articles removed by British Intelligence were by Osama bin Laden.  What kind of article did he write?  “How to have fun being on the run in Pakistan,” “The benefits of living in a compound,” “The joys of being a murderous psychopath?”  If those articles didn’t grab someone in love with murder and mayhem they also provided a piece by Ayman al-Zawahiri called “What to expect in Jihad.”  I can only imagine the valued bits of info no terrorist could do without.

            The magazine in produced by Samir Khan from North Carolina and the radical imam Anwar al-Awlaki who is believed to be the inspiration behind the Ft. Hood shootings and the attempted Christmas Day bombing by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.  If there’s anyone who can speak the terrorist lingo it’s probably this dynamic duo.  I can only imagine what an editorial meeting would be like at this publication.

            “What have you got for me people?  Remember we’ve got 67 pages to fill.”

            “How about we do an article on the newest line of bomb vests that are designed to be gender neutral?”

            “Beautiful, what else we got?”

            “I would like to do an article on the advancements in exploding underwear.  We’ve got to do something to get confidence back in the fruit a la boom brand. (Please forgive me I know that was bad).

            “Anybody have anything else?”

            “I think we should do a story on the ten best ways to hurt the feelings of an infidel.  Things like telling them with their face they’ll never get on a reality show.”

            “Hummm, that idea needs a bit of work but I believe it can be developed.  I think our next issue will be the best one yet.” 

            If you have a magazine you’ve got to notify the market it’s available.  I can only imagine how they tried to market this periodical.  Did they offer something like for every subscription you’re put into a drawing for a life supply of bomb making equipment?  Did they tried to get people to buy their special edition covering the life and times of Osama bin Laden complete with interviews of all his wives and the fellow terrorists who knew him best?  How about if you purchased a subscription right away they’d give you plastic body parts representing a blown-up infidel?

            A US government official is quoted as saying “the packaging of this magazine may be slick, but the contents are as vile as the authors.”  It’s interesting that evil beings are using any way possible to find other evil beings to promote their agenda.  I can only hope that such weak minded individuals accidently download a copy of Stars & Stripes.

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OUR LADY OF THE EXTREMELY DIM-WITTED

            Michael Meredith of Springfield, Va has a problem.  He is a gifted artist who built a 30-foot tall statue in his back yard.  It’s made out of a silicon-based material that he invented himself and its head is made of a gold-leaf casting.  The statue took him five years to finish.  In his mind the statue is a pregnant woman and the symbol of a mother’s love.  The problem for Michael Meredith is that in the minds of many Catholic pilgrims the statue is a representation of the Virgin Mary.  These pilgrims have a habit of showing up at his home wanting to pray at the statue in his backyard.  They pay no attention to what he tells them.  What must that conversation be like?

            “We came here to pray to the golden statue you have in your back yard of the Virgin Mary.”

            “It’s not a statue of the Virgin Mary.”

            “Yes it is.”

            “I’m the one who designed and built it.  I tell you it’s not a statue of the Virgin Mary.”

            “So, when can I go and pray at it?”

            “Why would you want to go and pray something which is only the symbol of a mother’s love and not the Virgin Mary?”

            “Are you going to make a sculpture of the baby Jesus to go with it?  That would be a nice touch.”

            “No I’m not going to make a sculpture of the baby Jesus because I didn’t make a statue of the Virgin Mary.”

            “If you would put it out front we wouldn’t have to bother you when we wanted to pray.”

            By this time Michael Meredith is breathing heavy and his face is red from frustration as he screams.

            “This is not a statue of the Virgin Mary how many times do I have to tell you?”

            The pilgrim simply shrugs his shoulders.

            “Could we bring a baby Jesus statue to put with it at Christmas time?  That would look so nice.”

            “AAAAAAAAAAAAAgh.”

            Unfortunately for the Meredith family devout travelers arrive at their home from all over the country including Texas, Minnesota and Arkansas.  Erika is Meredith’s wife and has taken on the task of greeting the visitors.  She does allow them to come into the back yard and take pictures but refuses to let them pray. 

            “Can I pray at the statue?”

            “No.”

            “Why?”

            “It’s not a statue of the Virgin Mary.”

            “Yes it is.”

            “Well, ah, see, I had a dream and, ah a vision came to me and it said that this is a no praying zone and, ah, you don’t want to go against a no-praying zone vision type dream thing now would you?.”

            “Guess you’re right.”

            Meredith is extremely frustrated by the situation.  He says if these people would pay close attention to the details of his statue they’d realize there are many differences between his statue and the way the Virgin Mary is usually depicted.  The Virgin Mary always had her head wrapped and is never depicted as pregnant.  His statue is of a pregnant woman and shows curly hair.

            What type of logic do these people posses that would enable them to completely ignore what they’re told by the creator of the statue?

            “This isn’t a statue of the Virgin Mary.  In all the other depictions of her the head is wrapped and she’s never shown as pregnant.”

            “So?  Maybe if her head was unwrapped she’d have hair just like that statue and we know she was pregnant at one time so she probably looked just like your statue at one time.  It probably is a statue of the Virgin Mary and you just don’t realize it.”

            “Excuse me while I go and pummel my head into a brick wall.”

            “Okay, I’ll pray for you.”

            Not only are the pilgrims frustrating Michael Meredith because they refuse to believe his statue is not of the Virgin Mary but they are also causing problems with his neighbors.  The people who live on his street are tired of being inconvenienced by all the traffic at Meridith’s house.  Some neighbors feel the statue should not be in a neighborhood setting.  County Officials have received so many complaints about the people visiting investigators have been to the Meredith home on several occasions.  I don’t know why investigators would need to go to their house several times.

            “We’re here to investigate the statue.  Is it still a statue?”

            “Yes.”

            “Does it still attract unwanted people from all over the country?”

            “Yes.”

            “Still making sure these people don’t pray at it?”

            “Yes.”

            “Okay, we’ll see you in a week or two.”

            “Why?”

            “We have a job to do and we need stuff to investigate.  If we don’t have stuff to investigate we can’t justify our budget.  Since things are kind of slow with other stuff to investigate we’ll just have to keep investigating you until we get something new.”

            “Oh.”

            It’s a shame that Michael Meredith and his wife had to have this experience.  His only intention was to create a beautiful statue to honor a mother’s love.  Unfortunately he created something that brought him more trouble than he ever imagined.  He says if some Catholic tourist wants to buy it from him that would be fine.  I don’t think that would ever happen.  After seeing what it did to Mike Meredith I doubt any of the pilgrims would want that statue relocated to their home.

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Naked Circus in Atlantic City. A Real Story

When I was growing up any opportunity to go and see the circus was an exciting experience.  I loved watching the trapeze artist, the animal shows, the clowns and especially the high wire walkers.  Some performers had flashy costumes that always sparkled in the light when they performed.  

I have no idea what will sparkle at a circus to be held at the Resorts in Atlantic City because they’re going to be offering their patrons a chance to see something called a “Naked Circus.”  (Is that the sound of James Bailey and P.T Barnum rolling in their graves I just heard?)  If I was enthusiastic about seeing the circus when I was a teenager, the chance to see a naked circus would’ve motivated me beyond anyone’s imagination.

The resort’s owner Dennis Gomes told people that it’ll be as naked as the law allows.  Female performers will wear pasties and G-strings.  Unfortunately, it will be in a tent outside in the casino parking lot and will be for adults only.  A collective “awwwwww” was heard from young boys around the country upon hearing this news.

How would you talk a circus performer into doing something like this?

            “Alexis, babe, ya doin' a great job here an' we love you.  We want to mix things up just a bit with yer routine.  We’re gonna have some slight changes to the costume you wear during yer performance.”

            “What type of costume changes?”

            “Ah, yer not going to wear one.  Actually, you’re gonna wear a G-string and some pasties but hey, with the great way you perform who’s gonna care?  Besides, you know you’re beautiful, right?”

She takes a deep breath as her eyes open wide to this perceived insult.

            “I am they flying Alexis.  I am a fourth generation circus performer on the trapeze.  How can you ask such a thing of me?”

            “Well, we plan to triple the pay for each of your performances.”

            “Hey, what’s a G-string and some pasties among friends?  You know, I bet I’ll like feeling that free.  Excuse me, but I must get to a tanning salon right away.”

I bet the colorful posters announcing the arrival of a circus to a town near you would look very different.  It’d probably have all sorts of black blocks covering certain parts of the performer’s bodies.  I can only imagine what the circus parade through town would be like.

“Why is there not a single teenage child in the entire school this morning?”

“The naked circus parade is being held today.”

“Why didn’t anybody say something?  Hurry up and let’s get going.  As their teachers, we have an obligation to make certain they understand exactly what they're seeing.”

I imagine after a night of losing money from gambling at Atlantic City nothing cheers a person up like the opportunity to see almost naked people perform in a circus. Some circus acts would be difficult to imagine being done nearly naked. 

What would it be like to see a nearly naked lion tamer?  I bet he’d be exceedingly careful when cracking that whip.  How about nearly naked clowns?  I wonder what expressions would be on their faces after they all got out of that small car.  A nearly naked knife thrower would probably stress the crowd out a bit more than usual.  Would a nearly naked juggler ever get confused?  Would a magician make a nearly naked woman disappear and then reappear with clothes on? 

Dennis Gomes is the brains behind this idea and his brilliance in marketing doesn’t end with a naked circus.  Gomes is the same person who made national headlines by letting customers play tic-tac-toe against a chicken when he ran Atlantic City’s Tropicana Casino and resort.  He has now come up with an even better promotional idea called “The Tic-Tac-Toe Playing Chick.”  Customers will be able to play tic-tac-toe against a beautiful scantly-clad woman. If they win they get $5,000.  

I can see where playing tic-tac-toe against a chicken might be a novel experience worth doing.  Playing tic-tac-toe against a regular woman?  Where’s the novelty in doing such a thing?  Now, if they offered a chance to play tic-tac-toe against a naked circus performer then they’d have something.

According to Gomes this is all designed to win back millions of dollars in business the casino lost under previous ownership.  I suppose nothing will make people visit a casino in droves more than a chance to watch naked circus performers and play a woman at tic-tac-toe. 

I believe this is just an example of what many business people think of us today.  It’s not enough to provide people with a great place to gamble and some interesting shows to see, these days naked has to be brought into it.  Who can blame them?  Since pornography is so easily available and advertisements constantly bombard us with sex on a daily basis what’s a competitive businessperson to do?  I’m sure there are many ways to promote a casino that involves people keeping their clothes on.  Unfortunately, they’re probably not the ways that get much attention from a casino’s target audience.

Here is a link to the story.

https://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2011/05/27/naked-circus-part-of-new-resorts-in-atlantic-city/

Here is a funny story from It is a Glorious Day.

It is called: Marijuana Use And Verbal Memory Study

RMN FLAMING IDIOT AWARD II

It is time for the second RMN Flaming Idiot Award.  This is an award given to individuals who have distinguished themselves with behavior that demonstrates an IQ with a decimal point in the front.  The type of individual who might have a family tree that doesn’t fork and only possess one set of DNA.  As we all know these people are everywhere and especially in positions of power.

The second RMN Flaming Idiot Award goes to (drum roll please) the school board and school administration of Spotsylvania High School located in Spotsylvania, Virginia.  It appears that a fourteen-year-old student there named Andrew Mikel II was caught blowing soft plastic pellets through an empty pen at his classmates.  How did the school react?  Did he get suspended?  Did he have to apologize to his classmates for what did?  No, just guess what these dim-witted derelicts of intense idiocy decided?  They expelled poor Andrew Mikel II from school for the rest of the year, filed assault charges on him with the sheriff’s department, mandated he take “substance-abuse counseling’ and “anger-management” counseling.  Can you say overreaction?  Can you say ridiculous?  Can you say just plain stupid?
            They classified the spit wad contraption as a weapon.  This makes perfect sense because hospitals are just filled with victims of a spit wad attacks.  Drug gangs are abandoning their firearms in droves for a spit wad weapon.  Drive-by spit wad attacks are spreading throughout our country.  Is there anything more terrifying than being held up by a crazed spit wad wielding criminal?  I’m sure with all this they felt compelled to make a stand. 
(NOTE: If any members of the Spotsylvania school board or school administration are reading this the previous paragraph was something called sarcasm.)

            I think the requirement for him to take substance-abuse counseling makes a statement this school board and school administration must use toilet paper to clean their hair.  It makes sense that if you shoot spit wads you’re just the same as a substance abuser.

            “Man, I’m on a twelve step program for spit wad addicts and it’s going good.”

            “What have you learned?”

            “It’s launching the first spit wad that gets you.  After that it’s all down hill.  Spit wad pushers are everywhere.  I couldn’t resist Colombian spit wads no matter how hard I tried.”

            “You’re not alone.”

            Why the anger management?  How does spit balling a few classmates constitute taking an anger management class?

            “Why are here?”

            “I took a hammer and beat my wife bad enough to put her in the hospital.”

            “You were under stress it happens.”

            “What did you do?”

            “I got angry at my boss and beat him with a lead pipe.”

            “He was probably putting unreasonable expectations on you.  You can do better next time.”

            “Why are you taking this class?”

            “I launched a spitball at a few people during class.”

            “How could you?  You should be ashamed.  Do you realize without intervention you could spend a lifetime using spit balls against anyone who upsets you?”

            I do come at this subject with some experience.  When I was in 9^th grade I actually got in trouble for shooting spit balls at a fellow classmate named Dave.  It was after lunch; we each had a straw, access to paper and were bored.  I shot a spitball to the back of his head.  Dave returned fire and got a spitball on my glasses.  We each chuckled.  Each time one of us hit the other we laughed.  What gave us away was when the teacher came over and noticed we were covered in spit balls.  We had to go down to see the principal.  He rolled his eyes upon seeing two kids covered with spitballs in his office.  We were given a stern warning that if this ever happened again we would get suspended.  It actually did happen again but that time we didn’t get caught. 

            Unfortunately Andrew Mikel II lost a court challenge to the school’s decision.  Spotsylvania Circuit Judge Joseph J. Ellis did not find the school board exceeded its authority, acted arbitrarily or capriciously or abused its discretion.  He was unable to rule on the fact the school board and school administrators all seem to be poster children for the terminally obtuse.

The school board attorney Jennifer Parrish said the section of the student handbook covering violent criminal conduct applied because three girls were struck by the balls, which constituted battering which, is covered by that section.  Huh?  Is there a woman’s shelter for spit ball abused females I don’t know about?  Maybe there should be crisis counselors for victims of spit ball crimes.  Maybe local law enforcement could create a special spit ball prevention task force to address the problem.  If you ever wonder why there are so many jokes about attorneys wonder no more.

My heart goes out to fourteen-year-old Andrew Mikel II and his family.  The punishment does not fit the crime.  Part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them.  I hope the school board and the school administration of Spotsylvania, VA some day come to understand that doing something foolish as a kid should be treated as a stupid mistake and not a criminal offense.

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The Fancy Rat Convention. A Real Story

            

When people mention rats to me I always have this image of a disgusting furry creature with a long tail crawling along a pipe in some sewer and squeaking at me how I probably taste like peanut butter.  I then remember the 1971 movie “Willard.”  For those of you who’ve never heard of this movie trust me, it’s one you don’t easily forget.  In short, it was about a guy named Willard who trained rats to eat up people who had done him wrong.  The only problem was he made the rats angry and they ate him up.  I suppose this incident occurred after collective bargaining failed to create an amicable solution concerning issues affecting both Willard and the rats.

            “You can have all the food in the house including the cat.”

            “That’s unacceptable because we want all that and at least one of your neighbor’s kids to eat.”

            “I can’t do that.”

            “Then forget the kid we’ll just dine on you.”

            There was a remake of Willard in 2003.  I suppose after seeing the 2003 version someone who loved rats decided this species needs a new look.  After probably discussing the situation with a rat image consultant I’m sure it was decided to hold a rat inspired convention.

            The Fancy Rat Convention is held in New York City.  (New York City and fancy rats?  I’m not going there.)  The rat owners who attended the convention claimed that despite the negative stereotypes associated with rats they see the rodents as good pets.  The owners stated rats have amazing personalities which make them better pets than cats, dogs or ferrets.  They also say that rats are sociable, intelligent, loving and can be trained to do all kinds of tricks from dancing to fetching.  I wonder if they could even learn how to help a little old lady cross a busy street?.

            I don’t know how I would react to seeing a dancing rat.  Would the dance be contemporary, jazz, hip hop or ballroom?  Sewers will never be the same.  I bet playing fetch with a rat outside guarantees a reaction from the neighbors.  I do believe rats can be trained to perform all sorts of things.  In the movie Willard, it was Ernst Borgnine who was a real jerk.  In one scene ole Ernst goes to Willard’s house and is surrounded by rats.  Willard gets a little crazy and yells to the rats “tear him up.”  The rats then have steak tartar a la Ernst Borgnine.  If I had such finely trained pet rats at home you can bet I’d have a different attitude at work.

            As with all conventions, there are vendors who attend such events to sell their products to attendees.  The Fancy Rat Convention was no exception.  Ada Nieves is a pet fashion designer.  During the convention, she showed off her rodent clothing collection including rat tuxedos, wedding dresses, bridesmaid’s gowns, and other exclusive designs.  I suppose one of the last things you want to experience in life is showing up for a formal event with an improperly attired rat.

Ada Nieves is a highly skilled fashion designer and a rodent fashion show was held featuring Ada’s rat clothing designs.  The outfits worn during the show came with crystals, feathers and frilly tutus which sold for around $80.00 each.  And I thought dog owners got a little bizarre about their pets.

“Squeak.”

“I’m sorry the problem is not with me it’s you.  You’ve been eating too much peanut butter and it shows.  You’ll have to do something to lose the weight before the fashion show.”

“Squeak.”

“I’m telling you the crystals don’t make you look fat.  Trim a bit of your fur and you’ll be just fine.”

“Squeak.”

“What do you mean you have a photo shoot for a magazine layout in an hour?  You’ll have to reschedule.  I need you for the show.”

The fashion show was organized by a group called “The Big Apple Rattery” which provided all of the rat models.  I can only imagine the many pictures of aspiring rat models they had to look at before they found the right ones for the job.

“I like this one but her eyes are too pink.”

“This one is good but her whiskers are all wrong for what we want.”

“It’s just not easy to find a rat with the special look we need.”

Since the rats of today are very fashion conscious they can’t be expected to live in squalor.  Owners were spending a fortune on items for their rat’s cages such as furniture, toys, hammocks, rat wheels and harnesses.  I’m sure the rats are anxiously awaiting the development of a mini television so they can watch DVDs of their rat fashion shows.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end with the convention.  There is also World Rat Day.  The organizers of this event want greater recognition and admiration for the rat’s image which suffers because of ignorance and unthinking prejudice.  I suppose these people weren’t big fans of the movie “Willard” or ever heard of a little thing that occurred a few years ago called the bubonic plague.  Talk about a bunch of people who are caught up in the rat race where the rats have actually won. 

Here is a link to the story

https://www.odditycentral.com/news/new-york-hosts-rat-fashion-show.html#more-24996

Here is a funny video from It is a Glorious Day.

It is called: Ekim Interviews a man named Boris