FELINE GLOBAL WARMING DANGER

            Sometimes I wonder if there are members of the scientific community who sit back and think everybody will actually believe anything they say simply because they hold the title of scientist.  Do such individuals feel the rest of us think they’re of such superior intellect we’ll be in awe of anything the claim as true?  It must be frustrating to them when we non-scientific types look at what they claim as scientific theory and say their ideas are nothing but a bunch of crap.

            I believe a scientific theory easily categorized as stupid would be the idea that cats are responsible for climate change.  I suppose the theory that man is responsible for altering the weather on our planet is losing its traction.  Who knows what will be the cause of climate change next.  Maybe trees will be the next thing on the global warming blame list.  I guess scientists have to get those governmental grants some way.

            What a shame gullible people who work for some publications don’t take the time to examine facts.  I guess there are writers who find it easier to cause a sensation than actually write something with accurate details. 

            A recent MotherJones article claims cats are increasing in population because global warming is increasing their breeding seasons.  It claims more cats mean the death of at least a hundred million planet saving birds in the US every year.  I like this logic.  If this is true wouldn’t other species experience an increase in their breeding season?  Guess there’s no benefit for scientists to blame global warming on chipmunks.

In the article they site a study by the Smithsonian Institution that claims cats are responsible for 79 percent of deaths of juvenile catbirds in Washington DC.  Huh?  That’s it?  They assume cat’s killing quite a bit of once species of bird in one city is evidence cats are responsible for climate change on the entire planet.  To say the least that’s a bit of a stretch.  I wonder if all the scientists involved in this study are spokespeople for the benefits of taking idiot pills.

            “What’s in our yard that scares you so much?”

            “The neighbor’s kitten got lose.”

            “Is it attacking a planet saving bird?”

            “It did something even worse.”

            “What?”

            “The kitten got into the bundle of yarn you had on the porch and is now all wrapped up in it.”

“I know it looks cute but unfortunately kittens are the ones destroying our planet.”

“At least they look cute doing it.”

My favorite is the chart contained with the article that contains the figures about bird deaths.  It says cats kill 1 billion birds a year but they’re not the only causes of bird demise as it appears 970 million fly into buildings.  I think this is part of natural selection.  If you’re such a stupid bird that you can’t avoid flying into a huge building maybe the world is better off without you breeding.  According to the chart 174 million also fly into power lines, 80 million from vehicle collisions, 72 million from pesticides, 5 million from flying into communication towers and 440,000 flying into wind turbines.  (If you believe cats are responsible for global warming the following is called sarcasm.  Sorry if you still don’t understand.)  Maybe the building industry is the cause of global warming so if we stopped building things we could save the planet.

If I was a cat I’d tell people they need to deal with the things they built that kill birds.  Maybe if all the builders were trapped and neutered and released the planet could be saved.  I say we start with Al Gore.  Not because he builds things but because we need to see if doing that will end global warming in the name of science.

The story fails to mention that according to the US Fish & Wildlife Service the figures provided in the chart, “Represent educated guesses based on modeling and other approaches. (I think this means using their imagination) Estimates have been made for the most visible threats.”

To put this in plain language, they made these numbers up.  I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the numbers in this chart actually represent the scores from a video game played by an employee who made the chart.

Being literate I actually took the time to read the Smithsonian Institution article that was referenced.  One sentence that got my attention was “Rats and Crows were also found to be significant suburban threats to fledgling catbirds.”

Then why aren’t rats and crows being blamed for causing global warming?  Who funded this study; The Crazy Cat Haters of America?  I think it was probably done by a bunch of cataphobics.  It is cataphobics who have refused to accept cats as a legitimate part of our society.  The ignorance and intolerance of the cat lifestyle speaks to their lack of understanding of what it’s like to be a cat.  I’m sure cats don’t like the way they are but it’s how they were born.  They shouldn’t have hide the fact they’re cats no matter who refuses to accept them.  Maybe it’s time for politicians to consider a bill concerning cat’s rights.

The idea that the information provided in any way proves cats cause global warming is absolutely ridiculous.  You don’t have to be a scientist to debunk that theory.  My worry is that stupid people will actually believe what they’re reading and cats will suffer because of it.  The only way a sane and rational person could accept as true such nonsense is if they believed that while performing this research the scientists involved were actually “catatonic.”  (Forgive me I couldn’t resist)

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Funeral Burlesque. A Real Story

     In our country, a funeral is a very somber event.  We’re quiet and give our condolences to the family of the deceased.  We are careful to show the mourning family all the respect they are due.  It appears that in Taiwan things are a bit different.  This country has a unique experience for people who attend funerals.  Taiwanese have something called funeral strippers.  I’m sure this is something that would make a memorial service quite memorable.

            “Are you ready for the service?”

            “All except for getting the cash.”

            “Why do we need cash?”

            “What are we going to use to give the strippers?”

            “I hope the dancing slutty zombie stripper is there.”

            “Me too because she was great and grandfather’s funeral.”

          

     It appears around 25 years ago the Taiwanese mafia ran the country’s nightclub scene and also a very large part of the country’s mortuary business.  The mafia owning a mortuary business does make sense.  As good business people they were always looking for ways to improve their business.  A mafia boss came up with the idea of combining the funeral business with the nightclub stripping business.  When this started it confused many people.  The mafia being great at marketing told people it would increase the number of mourners at the funeral.  In Taiwan, the more mourners at a funeral mean more respect and honor for the dead.  The idea of adding some strippers then made sense to many people. 

“I’m afraid not too many people will come to my husband’s funeral.  He was not a well-liked man.”

“Tell ya what; since you’re getting a good coffin I’ll throw in a stripper for the funeral service.  I promise it’ll get more people than you can imagine at his funeral.”

“I suppose it could be a way for people to like my husband.”

“Hey, after a funeral with a few of my strippers I can almost guarantee they’ll love him.”
It seems like quite an event.  The strippers arrive at the funeral in diesel trucks known as Electric Flower Cars.  They sing, do pole dancing and some even come down from the stage and into the audience.  The strippers will give lap dances and put the patron’s heads into their breasts and more.  How many guys after experiencing this would even be aware of the fact they were at a funeral?

            Fortunately, there also seems to be a religious component.  Many people believe there are lower gods who were once human.  These gods are worshiped by many and even in death, these deities enjoy things like gambling and womanizing.  People believe these funeral stripping shows are a gift to them.  Now there’s a good reason not to fear death.  Apparently in this religion if you want some gods to pray to who will help you with such things as gambling or prostitution they’re available.  Is this a great religion or what?  If they have gods that help your favorite sports teams win I would consider converting.

            It seems that funeral stripping is popular everywhere except in their capital city of Taipei, which is located in the northern part of the country.  There it is considered a working-class form of entertainment.  The people in the northern part of their country have actually passed laws against it.  After this was done people in the rural part of the country smiled, nodded their heads and then went and booked a stripper funeral. 

            There are also superstitions associated with funeral strippers.  Many people feel new ghosts might be picked on by older ghosts so the performance at the funeral is done to distract the older ghosts until the newer ghosts have time to get used to their new environment without being hassled.  I bet those crusty old ghosts types are pretty surly after being dead for so long.  They probably can’t help themselves when it comes to being envious of those new ghosts.

            “Hey, newbie, you’ve got to shine my shoes.”

            “But we’re dead.  How can you expect me to shine your shoes?”

            “By using ghost wax of course.  Hey, are those strippers at your funeral?”

            “Yes.”

            “Wow, they know what you’re doing.”

            “Yeah, still want me to shine your shoes?”

            “What shoes?”

            There are even some Taiwanese who have stripper funerals because it was the type of entertainment the deceased enjoyed while living.  If we did this here I’m sure my one friend could’ve put wires in the arm of his dead Uncle Chuck to hold money for the strippers at his funeral.  If he would’ve put a beer in his uncle’s hand, a cigar in his mouth people might not have even noticed he was dead.  Talk about being sent off in style.

            I’m sure this is a way of celebrating a person’s life instead of thinking about their death.  The strippers probably provide more than enough distraction from the pain of loss for a grieving family.  I don’t think such a thing would work here.  It has given me some great ideas on what to do when I come to the end of all things.  The idea of having people smile and be happy at my funeral is comforting.  I hope the only people who are crying when I’m laid to rest are my bill collectors.

Here is a link to the article.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/taiwans-funeral-strippers-dance-for-a-dead-crowd-5819625

PRISON WORTHY PRACTICAL JOKE

            I must admit I have done some practical jokes in my time.  There are jokes I did in my youth that are still talked about today, decades after they happened.  Back in the day for punishment we got paddled.  More specifically we called it getting “swats.”  Getting a few swats and sent back to class was what I had to pay for doing memorable practical jokes.  Unfortunately times have certainly changed.  Tyell Morton tried to pull a practical joke on the last day of school and may end up in jail for eight years.

            It all started when Morton had the idea of putting a blow-up sex doll in the bathroom at Rushville Consolidated High School in Indianapolis.  I must admit that’s a pretty good prank.  I can only imagine the look on a janitor’s face coming in to the bathroom and seeing a blow-up sex doll staring at them.  It would be even better if it was in a stall and the expression on someone’s face when they open up and see this doll looking back at them.  It would’ve been quite funny.  I’ll admit if I would’ve thought of it back when I was in high school and could’ve obtained a blow-up sex doll any amount of swats would’ve been worth it.

            It’s not like the time on the way to school me and a friend found a real pig’s head in the garbage that had been stuffed.  We took the stuffed pig’s head and placed it in girl’s locker before school started.  It was set up so when she opened the locker door it would fall at her.  Unfortunately for us the girl was out of school that day and we forgot about it.  The following Monday she came back and opened her locker.  It was then this girl proved her voice was in tip top shape and she started to scream.  Other girls who saw the stuffed pig’s head joined in the terrorized vocal experience.  They all had a scream fest to remember.  At that point it was a little scary because we didn’t know if we would get caught.  Eventually someone turned us in and we got swats and a suspension.  The sight of that stuffed pig’s head with its stupid expression, mouth open and glass eyes laying on the floor with the girls screaming and running around it like they were on fire was priceless.

            Unfortunately for Tyell Morton a janitor at the school saw him run away from the school.  Security footage showed a person in a hooded sweatshirt and gloves entering the school with a package and leaving five minutes later without it.  When administrators saw the footage they feared the package could have been explosives.  They locked down the school and called police.  The K9 unit and the bomb squad arrived to search the building.  I can only imagine their surprise when they discovered the sex doll.

            “Have you located the mysterious package?”

            “Yes.”

            “Was it a bomb?”

            “It was a blow-up sex doll.”

            “Is it in an evidence bag?”

            “No.”

            “Where’s it at?”

            “The administrator wants to take it home and runs some tests.”

            “Oh.”

            When it was discovered it was Tyell Morton who had put the doll in the bathroom he was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and something called “institutional criminal mischief” which is a felony that could put Morton in prison for two to eight years.  It seems someone destroyed more than their fair share of brain cells during a few parties during college.  The school’s administrator said they had an unknown intruder in the building delivering an unknown package and you can’t be too cautious in this day and age.  Obviously once you do know the reality of the situation you can be too stupid.  I can see this administrator during graduation congratulate Morton on getting his diploma and then apologize for that life-time felony conviction he got over a blow-up sex doll prank.

            The county prosecutor said he doesn’t intend to seek a prison term for Morton but the charges are warranted.  (If the Rush County Prosecutor, Philip J. Caviness, is reading this the following sentences are sarcasm)  I can see his point.  He’s obviously an advocate for blow-up sex doll rights.  Far too long have these blow-up dolls been treated as if they’re not human.  Used in school pranks and in other nefarious ways it’s time they get the respect they deserve.  I’m sure they’re just innocent dolls here illegally and have to turn to the blow-up sex doll trade just to survive.

            I do feel badly for Tyell Morton.  It must be terrible to realize he didn’t get arrested for illegal drugs, stealing, shooting someone or even hurting another person.  He may start his adult life with a felony conviction because of a harmless prank.  The talk should be about the reaction of people to finding a blow-up sex doll in the bathroom and not about a criminal offense.  I believe swats and a suspension beat a felony conviction but people see things different now.  Morton didn’t make things the way they are in this world but unfortunately he has to suffer the consequences.

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MEDIA HARLOTS

            Unfortunately in our society there are many people who have an overwhelming desire to get media attention.  Some have acting or dancing talent.  Others have no talent at all and may be on a reality television show or become a politician.  Still there are others who realize nobody really wants to see them on television unless they do something outrageous, dangers or stupid, can’t get on a reality show or want to run for public office.

            Let’s say you’re a magician from New York called Richie Magic.  The reality of living in a city the size of New York is that there are a lot of magicians.  How do you make yourself stand out from the herd of performing magicians and get media attention?  Simple, you tell the media you’re going to quit smoking and eat cartons of lit cigarettes at a public park.  Doesn’t seem like someone I’d want to book for a children’s birthday party.

            “Can we have balloon animals?”

            “No.”

            “Are you going to do magic card tricks?”

            “No?

            “Pull a rabbit out of your hat?”

            “No.”

            “What are you going to do?”

            “Light your parent’s cartoon of cigarettes and eat them.”

            “Why?”

            “I was running late and had to skip lunch.”

            “Oh.”

            The next media addicts are two guys in New York City who scaled the New York Times building when it launched its brand new headquarters.  The first guy was a man from France who made it to the top and unfurled a banner about global warming.  I’m sure this was very effective because people probably now believe global warming is the main cause of individuals having a desire to climb skyscrapers.  A few hours later a second man who was from New York City started his climb.  The New Yorker did it for something far more important then global warming.  He climbed a 52 story building so he could bring attention to the dangers of malaria.  If you don’t ever think about malaria I’m sure watching someone climb a huge building puts it right in your mind.

            Then there is the case of Ashrita Furman who holds the Guinness Book of World records for holding the most world records.  He isn’t the biggest or the smallest in anything but holds world records in things like eating M&Ms with chopsticks while blindfolded (17 in one minute) or cucumber snapping (118 in one minute) and underwater hula hooping (longest time  with 2 minutes and 18 seconds).  He holds a total of 130 in all.  All I can say is this is one man with way too much time on his hands.  I wonder if there’s a world record for making people wonder about you.

            Then there is an individual called The Tron Guy.  It appears that a computer programmer by the name of Jay Maynard created a costume based on the original version of the movie Tron.  It was a big internet hit but unfortunately his thirst for media attention drove him to be a contestant on America’s Got Talent.  To be kind it did not go well.  I guess this is what happens when a computer geek’s ego is fed in the cyber world and then tries to deal with the real world.

            Sometimes a media harlot’s desire for fame and attention can cause them to even use their own family members.  I’m talking about Balloon Boy’s father.  Our nation had a collective lump in our collective throats as we watched a silver saucer shaped balloon travel through the sky with what we thought contained a six-year-old boy.  When it landed and no child was found it was discovered the whole thing was a publicity stunt.  On the one hand you hated being played that way on the other at least he wasn’t low enough to actually put his son’s life at risk.  After getting out of jail he decided he wanted some more attention so he put the balloon saucer up for auction.  This man is a media addict.

            Of course there is also Rick from Montreal who has tattooed an entire skeleton all over his body.  His face and the rest of him have been tattooed.  I know the internet is filled with his images and stories abound about him.  People want to know the reason and the cost for the tattooing and how he thinks it’ll look when he gets older.  He is now a fashion model.  Models that starve themselves to near death or put skeleton tattoos all over their bodies to get a job does make me wonder about the fashion industry. 

            “Oh darling I love your skeleton tattoo.”

            “It’s not a tattoo.”

            “What is it?”

            “I’ve not eaten a meal in six months in order to get this job.”

            “Oh.”

            There was a time when the only way to be on television was to have performing talent or be on a game show.  Unfortunately you can now get quite a bit of media attention for just being strange.  I suppose if you want to compete with the oddities of politics for media attention you’ve really got to bump up your game.

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RMN FLAIMING IDIOT AWARD V

It is time for the fifth RMN Flaming Idiot Award.  This is an award given to individuals who have distinguished themselves with behavior that demonstrates an IQ with a decimal point in the front.  The type of individual who might have a family tree that doesn’t fork and only possess one set of DNA.  As we all know these people are everywhere and especially in positions of power.
           
            The fifth RMN Flaming Idiot Award goes to Kevin Rulkowski who is the Planning and Technology Director of Oak Park, MI.  A local resident planted a vegetable garden instead of grass after her front lawn had been torn up by the replacement of a sewer line.  Did the bumbling bureaucrats of this Michigan municipality praise their resident for raising their own food and being more independent?  Did they want to use this fierce self-reliant individual as an example of how to turn a lawn into a freedom garden?  No, these dim-witted governmental goons are actually seeking legal action to end the vegetable gardening of their tax-paying citizen.  She may now face 93 days in jail.  Let’s hope the tomatoes in this garden ripen in time to be thrown at the people who govern this place.

            When the sewer work was done on her front lawn it was nothing more than a mound of brown dirt.  Julie Bass decided to fix her lawn by placing grass there and also put five large planter boxes.  She is growing such things as fresh basil, cabbage, carrots, tomatoes and more.  Ms. Bass never assumed she was doing anything wrong.  The intention wasn’t to upset anyone and since it didn’t seem to bother anyone else’s property, she felt the vegetable garden wouldn’t be a problem.
            As with all good things the government doesn’t like individuals with individual thoughts and free thinking ideas.  Just because she owns the house and pays property taxes I suppose they feel that’s not good enough to have a vegetable garden.  I bet they feel if you let one resident have a vegetable garden then you’ll have one who will want to grow redwood trees and then the next thing you know somebody wants to start planting bamboo and have a tropical theme in their yard and before you know it somebody wants to start a rain forest.  This could cause endangered species to move in and then there goes the neighborhood.
            The city sent out a code enforcement official who warned Julie Bass that she had to move the vegetable garden from the front of her house because no vegetables were allowed in the front yard.  Ms. Bass felt she had done nothing wrong.  It must have upset the governmental officials terribly to find out she can read.  Ms. Bass felt she was in the right according to the city code.  Still these pieces of governmental dead wood gave her a ticket and charged her with a misdemeanor.  Huh?  Someone actually got paid to drive to a residents house and give them a ticket for a vegetable garden?  Was this the one big time during this person’s career when they actually got to write someone a ticket?  I bet they were also upset because it probably took time away from playing their favorite video games at the office. 
            The city code states that all unpaved portions of a site shall be planted with grass or ground cover or shrubbery or other suitable live plant material.  As far as Julie Bass is concerned tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers are suitable live plant material.  If she had planted marijuana or opium poppy plants they may have a case for unsuitable plants, but who, outside of the Oak Park, MI’s government doesn’t find vegetable suitable?
            Dan Rulkowski appears to be an individual who you may have to wear sunglasses around him least you be blinded by his brilliance.  (Mr. Rulkowski if you’re reading this the previous sentence is sarcasm and if you don’t believe me you can look it up in the dictionary).  This individual who lives off of taxpayer money made the bold statement that if you look up what suitable is in Webster’s dictionary, it will say common.  He also said if you look around in any other community to a front yard what’s common is a nice grass yard with beautiful trees and bushes and flowers.  Really?
            Unfortunately for Mr. Rulkowski most of us can read and also know how use a dictionary.  I do have those skills and looked up the word suitable in the dictionary.  It states the definition of suitable is “Right or appropriate for a particular person, purpose, or situation.”  Such as it suitable for the government to punish someone for growing a vegetable garden on property they own?  I would like to point out that the word “common” is no a part of the definition.  I’m sure if more people didn’t know how to read the government’s job would be so much easier.
            It’s not easy being an individual when government wants you to conform.  As Americans we value our freedom and know there are those in government who are willing to take it away.  I hope a judge hears this case who has enough common sense to realize real criminals are individuals who rape, rob, murder and hurt people.  They don’t plant vegetable gardens. 

UPDATE – The Oak Park City authorities have temporarily dropped the case against Julie Bass.  Unfortunately they seem to be obsessed with putting her into jail for 93 days.  Now they say she owns an unlicensed dog.  Her dogs are fully licensed as the city is just trying to reinstate an earlier charge that Julie Bass has complied with.  This is proof a stanch flaming idiot has no boundaries.
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