ROYAL WEDDING WIERDNESS

            Millions of people watched the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  There were many people extremely caught up in the spectacular images of all the pomp and circumstances associated with such an occasion.  There were people who have absolutely nothing to do with England or the royal family and invested emotion and feeling into this wedding.  Then there were other individuals such as myself.  I felt congratulation were in order for the married couple.  I wasn’t invited to the wedding which was a relief because I can only imagine how much money I’d have to kick out for a wedding present.  For some reason I don’t think a Cuisinart bread maker would be appropriate.

I did get frustrated because it seemed I couldn’t get away from people who were enamored with the Prince William and Kate Middleton nuptials.  I saw one woman break down crying and get consoled from a moist eyed friend claiming it was so romantic.  This was a moment when I struggled to control my gag reflexes.  I know I’m not alone because there is an entrepreneur who realized there’s a market for royal wedding nauseated individuals like me.  Graphic designer Lydia Leith from England has designed a Royal Wedding barf bag.  For those of us who risk losing our latest meal from people swooning over the royal couple we can now do it in a sick bag with the picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton on it.  I think this is appropriate and using it would make me feel, in some small way, like I was a part of the royal wedding.

            During football season many people plan what to eat during the sporting event.  Those who view their recordings of the royal wedding will probably have the same food planning requirements.  They should be happy to know that Papa John’s has their back.  The company is offering royal wedding watchers a pizza with a mosaic image of Prince William and Kate Middleton on it made from pizza toppings.  Now who could resist a pizza with the likeness of a royal couple on it made from mushrooms, black olives, pepperoni and more?  When people are busy enjoying their royal pizza I’m certain they’re going to get thirsty.  Worry not because Nottingham’s Castle rock Brewery has made royal wedding inspired beer called “Kiss Me Kate” real ale.  The brewery claims it is a great British beer full of British hops and barley.  I wonder if you get a free royal barf bag with every six pack purchased?

            It only gets better.  Once the royal wedding fans have processed the beer and pizza they’ll need to make a trip to the bathroom.  Now such people don’t have to worry about being away from an image of the royal couple for even a second.  Dedicated royal watchers can now purchase a toilet seat with the picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton on it.  I hate to say it but for some reason this is one royal item I’ve been tempted to purchase.  (I did resist mentioning something about a royal flush but it was difficult)

            As with any high profile wedding many people who have absolutely nothing going on in their life will speculate on the wedding night.  I can only imagine some couple getting frisky with the stipulation that the girl is to be called Kate and the man must be referred to as Prince William.  Such couples are obviously a demographic worth serving as British manufacturer Crown Jewels condoms has issued collectors edition condoms.  The box comes with a souvenir portrait of what the couple looked like on their wedding day.

I have to wonder about the state of our world when I hear about collector edition condoms with souvenir portraits of a royal couple.  What’s next?  Commemorative sports condoms with a picture of a woman and your favorite sports player on them?  I’m sure movie star condoms would be a big seller and difficult to keep in stock.  Washington DC politician condoms would be a big favorite especially with the politicians in Washington DC.

For people who can’t live without seeing an image of the royal couple on a daily basis there’s the Royal Wedding Refrigerator.  This unique kitchen appliance has one of the two official engagement pictures taken of the royal couple on it.  Since the refrigerator is 5’ 9” that means you’ll have a life size version of Prince William and Kate Middleton forever in your kitchen.  If I visit someone who has one of these I hope I have a royal barf bag handy as it will be put to the test.

It’s not uncommon for regular people to live through the lives of the rich and famous.  It seems like the royal wedding was something important to people who admire royalty and wanted to feel a part of such a special wedding.  It was also an event that appealed to greedy entrepreneurs saw an opportunity to make money off gullible people who willingly buy tacky stuff.  I guess the first rule of business really is to find a need and then fill it.

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LAWMAKING LUNACY

            If you thought our country was in a position where members of congress and the senate were busy spending their valuable time dealing with important issues like fixing the economy, figuring out the best ways to handle the wars or maybe even spending a few moments on passing a budget, possibly dealing with our foreign policy, you would be wrong.  While I’m sure we can all agree those issues should be considered important they all fail in comparison to the serious issues addressed in Senate Bill 978.  This is a proposed amendment to the federal copyright infringement law that provides penalties of up to five years in a federal prison for (Are you ready for this?) lip-synching on YouTube.  If you thought there is prison overcrowding now, just wait until this piece of legislation hits the streets.

            “What happened to the congregation at the Yes We’re Christians Church?”

            “They’re in jail.”

            “What for”?

            “They lip synched a song and posted it on YouTube.  They thought it was just for fun but turned out to be a big mistake.”

            “What Song?”

            “O Holy Night.”

            “That’s copyrighted?”

            “They did the Jamaican rap version done by two quarters Marlando.”

            “Oh.”

            One of the sponsors of the bill believes it’s an issue of technology rapidly evolving which has caused a need for our laws to be updated so they protect creativity and innovation.  Yeah right.  Of Course it does.  I’m sure if we were to peal away this smoke screen of a politician’s words we would probably find the real motivation for this piece of legislation as a little less noble.  I have to believe some members of the record industry probably took a vacation in Washington DC and met with a few members of congress.

            “We’re a huge record company and our sales have dropped significantly since the internet became so popular.  We need your help.”

            “What can I do?  I’m just a lowly US Senator who can’t even figure out how to pass a federal budget.”

            “We need you to outlaw lip synching on YouTube.”

            “Why?”

            “Because if we can charge a copyright fee to everyone who lip synchs one of our songs we’ll make a lot of money.  The amount will be to a level where our disposable income will increase significantly.”

            “So?”

            “Do you realize that such disposable income has been known to find its way into the reelection campaign coffers of lowly US Senators who truly appreciate our unique situation with regard to lip synching on YouTube type sites?”

            “Damn this new technology.  We must close every one of those huge loopholes in copyright law and protect generous companies such as yours against those unscrupulous internet lip synchers.”

            “I knew you’d see things our way.”

            Opponents of the bill claim it attacks the purpose of the internet which is to encourage communication between people from all over the world.  Unfortunately it has also brought porn viewing to a larger than ever before imagined audience but nothing is perfect.

            There are legal experts who believe the bill primarily focuses on those who intend to make money from streaming copyrighted material on the Internet (Engaging laughter suppression).  I wonder if these are the same people who would like us to believe the TSA actually makes flying safer by radiating or molesting the flying public. 

            Let’s take the case of Keenan Cahill.  Here is a fifteen-year-old high school student with a genetic disorder called Mucopolysccaridosis who lip synchs the top 40 hottest hits on YouTube.  He does this from his bedroom and is an international success.  Lucky for Keenan record labels have contacted him and requested he use their material in his YouTube videos.  I don’t think the average person has a manager or the ability to obtain permission to use a copyrighted song before they record their lip synch for YouTube.  I don’t know if there are Senators who have ever watched YouTube, but it’s obvious that many people who lip synch songs haven’t done a lot of planning.  In some cases I think such people should’ve really considered sobering up a bit before recording anything.

So if this law passes the record companies will make money from people who actually shell out the cash for their fees and if they don’t the federal government will make money on them from fines being imposed.  Isn’t it strange that when big business and big government get together the little guy usually ends up paying for such a union?

            I can’t speak for everyone but I’ve seen some very funny lip synching going on during some YouTube videos.  One of my favorites is when they have animals singing the songs.  I also like the one I saw where you just see people’s lips moving behind these cardboard drawings singing a song.  It was hilarious.  I think what bothers me and others who feel like I do is that when we see those YouTube videos we’re thinking of it as fun.  It’s upsetting to us that the government and record labels don’t see the fun and only view it as just another way to make some money.

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Rainforest Killing Barbie

  

            I don’t know if anyone but Greenpeace is aware of this, but in case you didn’t know it a plastic doll is the one responsible for killing the rainforest.  According to Bustar Maitar, head of Greenpeace’s efforts to save forests in Indonesia, “Barbie is trashing rainforests and pushing critically endangered wildlife, like tigers, towards extinction.”  The organization is accusing the doll of being a sadistic serial killer.

            If I were a kid I would certainly think it’d be pretty cool to have a sadistic serial rainforest killing Barbie.  She’d probably come with some really neat accessories like a bulldozer and chainsaw.  Her outfits would be those working clothes construction workers wear and she’d have a hard hat.  Maybe she’d come with trees that groaned as Barbie cut them down.  We’d also have to get Ken into the act.  He’d be responsible for killing any of the endangered species that tried to attack Barbie.  I can only imagine the hours of fun and entertainment that could be provided from playing with such a toy.

            In order to make a point and draw attention to their cause Greenpeace activists lowered themselves down the 15-story Mattel headquarters building in El Segundo, Calif. to hang a huge banner that said “Barbie, it’s over.  I don’t date girls that are into deforestation.”  It’s also worthy to mention that a female activist dressed as Barbie was at the protest.  After such a beautiful display I’m sure many people were overwhelmed with the plight of the rainforest and immediately ran home to burn their Barbie doll in effigy and dedicate themselves to stopping deforestation of the rainforest.  In my neighborhood, it might not have had the desired effect.

            “They did what?”

            “Lowered a banner off of a building that said Ken didn’t date girls into deforestation and it was over between them.”

            “That’s ridiculous.  I bet they don’t even know Ken.”

            “Then the activists including one dressed like Barbie got arrested for hanging posters.”

            “Well if she’s into deforestation why was she hanging posters against it?”

            “I guess she must really want to get back with Ken.”

            Greenpeace opened an investigation against the makers of Barbie when forensic testing revealed the origin of her packaging.  Huh?  I guess there are not enough crime scenes around these days so labs need be used for truly important things like the forensic testing of packages.  The organization says they have obtained company certificates which show the packaging used for Barbie is produced by a company that was previously exposed for wrecking rainforests.

            “Are the results of the murder scene back from the lab yet?”

            “No, but the lab did discover the sandwich you ate for lunch was wrapped in packaging made from a pine tree in Tacoma, Washington.”

            “I hope Greenpeace never finds out.”

            “It’s our secret.”

            Talk about a group of people with a lot of time on their hands.  Greenpeace is no stranger to providing the world with entertainment on a never before seen scale.  On August 8, 2007, in an effort to protest global warming six hundred people took off their clothes on a glacier in the Swiss Alps.  That doesn’t make much sense to me.  If I was going to protest global warming I’d choose someplace warm to shed my clothes.  The only problem with that is I’d be the only protester.  If any reporter knew I was going to shed my clothes for any reason they wouldn’t go within a hundred-mile radius of the place.  I bet they’d also call in the National Guard to stop it.

            In June of 2002, Greenpeace had fifty activists dressed in black suits force-feed baby dolls in front of Nestles company headquarters in Switzerland to protest the company’s alleged ruthless overseas practices.  I wonder if Nestle should protest Greenpeace for their ruthless treatment of dolls?  Maybe that’s what got Barbie so angry.

The Barbie doll is no stranger to controversy.  One of the biggest criticisms of Barbie is how thin she appears.  I suppose the fact that she’s just a doll and not intended to be an example of body image to real girls doesn’t matter.  I would hate to see an Obese Barbie that sits around eating junk food and playing video games all day.  Unfortunately, I think there’s probably a large market for such a toy these days.  In 2003 Saudi Arabia outlawed the sale of Barbie dolls.  However, the desire of little girls to play with such a doll did not go unnoticed.  In some Middle Eastern countries, there is an alternative doll called “Fulla” (Not going there).  In Iran, Sara and Dar dolls are available as alternates to Barbie.  If they ever come out with a Jihad Barbie, I’m getting into the protesting business myself.

It’s unfortunate that a group like Greenpeace worries about the packaging on a product that has brought so much fun to little girls over the years.  Barbie has changed and adapted to our developing society and still is a very popular product.  I hope that someday there’s a person who lets Greenpeace know that trees can be replanted.  For people like me the protests of Greenpeace do get noticed, they’re just very difficult to take seriously.

Here is a link to the story.

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-mattel-protest-indonesia/greenpeace-accuses-barbie-of-destroying-indonesia-idUSTRE7571BZ20110608 

JUDGE MENTAL

            There are many members of the judiciary who are intelligent, articulate individuals that have worked hard to learn the law and do their best to be fair and impartial in its application.  Unfortunately there are also other people who hold the title of judge that even other judges look at and have no idea how it happened.  People who feel the law is not as important as their egos.  This is the type of jurist whose rulings cause people to hear the theme from the Twilight Zone.

            Circuit Judge Charles Green, a judge in Florida, actually jailed his own court stenographer for working too slowly.  Now that makes perfect sense.  Let’s forget the possibility she may have personal issues or other things that could be affecting her work.  I don’t think the judge should consider having someone work with her to find out what her problem may be with doing the work.  Why would he do that when it’s so much easier to just put the stenographer in jail?

            “What are you in jail for?”

            “I killed my wife and a policeman.”

            “How about you?”

            “I was put in jail for typing transcripts too slowly for the judge.”

            “Wow, you’re in big trouble.  Be glad you didn’t get the death penalty.”

            Unfortunately this injudicious judge soon discovered that if the transcription work was getting done slowly before, it wasn’t getting done at all with the stenographer in jail.  So Judge Charles Green in a move that must have impressed judges in every communist country around in the world let his stenographer out of jail, only to put her on house arrest until she completed the work.  Talk about a positive work environment.

            I suppose it would be an exaggeration to say that some judges are drunk with power and maybe in some cases it wouldn’t.  Circuit Judge Daniel Rozak sentenced a man to six months in jail for yawning loudly in his courtroom.  I suppose this makes perfect sense since this judge probably can’t believe anyone would be bored with the proceedings in his courtroom.

            “Wow, just look at that.  Have you ever seen anyone pound a gavel like Judge Daniel Rozak?”

            “It only gets better.  Wait until you hear you him sustain objections or tell people they’re overruled.”

            “Why would anyone want to watch the Super Bowl when entertainment like this is available?”

            “If I these courtroom proceedings are on DVD I’m buying a copy.”

            It only gets better.  The man who was jailed for yawning was there because his cousin was on trial.  His cousin got sentenced to probation.  I can only imagine the exchange when the cousin on trial walked out a free man and passed his cousin who was going to jail for six months for yawning.  The lesson here is obviously to get a good night’s sleep before going to watch your cousin’s trial. 

            Judge Robert Restaino of Niagara Falls, New York seems to realize that the way to get things done in a courtroom is to treat everyone like a child.  He jailed 46 people after none of them admitted to having a cell phone that began ringing during a court session.  Everybody in the courtroom was actually taken to city jail where they were searched and put into cells.  There were 14 people who could not post bail and were taken to county jail. 

            “We would like to hire you but you have a criminal record.”

            “I was taken to jail because a cell phone rang during a court proceeding and the judge put everyone in jail because nobody admitted to having the ringing cell phone.”

            “Of course that was it.”

            “I’m serious that’s what happened.”

            “Yes, it makes perfect sense.”

            “Why don’t you believe me?”

            “Who would doubt you? Don’t call us we’ll call you.”

            Many judges have previously been attorneys and nothing could make that more evident than in the case of Judge Jack Battaglia of New York.  It appears that one day Judge Battaglia went into his courtroom and accidently slipped and fell on a freshly mopped floor.  He then sued the city and even targeted the courthouse cleaning lady for $1 million.  According to legal papers the cleaning lady was guilty of negligently using a bucket, wringer and a mop combined with soapy water to create a dangerous and hazardous trap like condition.  Huh?

            I’m certain we all sleep better at night knowing there is a judge willing to make a stand.  He’s attempting to try and stop the entire mop and bucket wielding cleaning community determined to bring mischief and mayhem to courtrooms around the country.  I doubt any of us realized the inherent dangers of soapy water in the wrong hands.  I can only imagine the warning labels we’re going to see on mops and buckets now.

            Most of us like to think of judges as people filled with knowledge and wisdom dispensing justice in the best way possible.  Some people want to think judges are above human emotions and frailty.  Unfortunately nothing puts things in perspective than when members of the judiciary show us they’re just like the rest of us.  I suppose the big difference is they have power to make decisions that deeply affect the lives of people every day.

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PIG OIL PROJECTILES

            In the cyber world there is actually an organization that sells gun oil containing pig fat and claims Osama bin Laden was shot with a bullet soaked in pork fat.  The reason for the bacon bullets is the belief that once a terrorist is shot with such a projectile they will be denied entry into Allah’s paradise.  I guess nobody ever told these people the Quran states if one is forced to consume the meat they are guiltless and therefore not disqualified from paradise.  I think having a metal puncture your flesh would qualify as being forced.

            How does someone come up with such an idea?

            “Hey, ya know we is fightin’ them there Islamic terrorist types an I knows that iffin they has been shot wit a bullet soaked in piggy fat they know they ain’t a goin’ to no paradise when they die.  So what we gotta do is start us a company what makes piggy fat that our soldiers can soak their bullet in.  Whatcha think?”

            “Why cain’t they just rub their ole bullets in some bacon or dunk ‘em in pork gravy or something like that themselves?  Why they need us?”

            “Cause the US military is too busy fighten’ them Islamic terroristics.  They don’t have no time to be making they own pork dunked bullet brew.  With us they can just put some pork oil on they bullets and go kill them terroristics.”

            “Sounds like a mighty fine plan.  How is the terroristics gonna’ know they being shot at with ham bullets?”

            “I dunno, I’ll let the US military figure that out.”

            I’m certain this place is a one-stop shop for all of your pig oil needs.  In the unlikely event you do have all the pig oil you need this place also offers gun oil cloths and T-shirts for sale.  I’m sure that nothing says you hate terrorists more than a pig oil T-shirt.  They also provide pig oil not only for small weapons but also for large caliber automatic weapons.  These people really think of everything.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they offer pig oil for mortar rounds, grenades, hand-held rocket launchers and missiles.  People who do their pig oil shopping at this site will also receive death cards and weapon/magazine stickers with each order.  It makes you wonder why anyone would even consider going any place else for their pig oil needs.

            This site claims their pig oil contains 13% pig fat.  How did they arrive at this number?  Does the USDA have regulation covering the percentage of pig fat in oil sold to coat bullets used for shooting terrorists?  How do you know this is high grade pig fat and not some fancy imitation?  Wouldn’t everybody feel better with a USDA sticker on their bottle of pig oil? 

Visitors to this site are also provided with pictures of the gun oil production.  The pictures consist of a man in camouflage standing around and holding a weapon.  Does making pig oil present such a danger that workers must be ready to defend themselves at all times?  Do weapons held by the workers contain pig oil soaked bullets?  I suppose none of us realize that making pig oil is such a dangerous business.

            I’m certain the research and development department of this organization is probably very busy thinking of their next line of products.  I bet in time they’ll be offering olive oil covered bullets in case of a war with Italy.  How about chocolate covered bullets for a war with Switzerland?  Maybe whiskey soaked bullets for a war with Ireland?  Wine soaked bullets for a war with France?  Rum soaked bullets just in case one of those Caribbean countries gets out of line?  I’m sure they could make bullet oil for any enemy we’re facing.

            There is also a qualifier on the site concerning the pig oil that states “This product is for use on armed Muslim terrorists only.  We do not promote discrimination against any race or religion, only terrorists.”  Well that’s a good thing because how could putting pig fat on bullets ever be considered discriminating against a religion?  It’s a good thing this oil is intended for use on armed Muslim terrorists only.  I’m certain that during a battle there is no way anybody other than an armed Muslim terrorist would be shot.  Such things never happen.

            It’s said that a spokesman for the U.S. Army’s weapons-procurement command claims he was unfamiliar with the pig oil producing organization, but conceded that a soldier or marine could, in theory, purchase the oil on his or her own and use it in the battlefield.

            “We’re about to go to the front line.  Are you sure you have everything you need?”

            “I forgot to get pig oil and soak my bullets.”

            “Well then, I guess we can’t fight the terrorists today.”

            Members of our military are often impressed with the enemy’s resourcefulness when it comes to outsmarting our modern weapons.  They are a motivated and devoted adversary who believes deeply in their cause.  Unfortunately the mass destruction brought to our enemy on the battlefield hasn’t lessened their resolve.  I’m sure all that will change once the terrorists realize they’re being shot at with bullets covered in pig fat.
(Special thanks to loyal reader Ed Becker of Wexford, Pa for providing the photo insert.)

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