The Organized EPA Syndicate

            In 2005 Mike and Chantell Sackett were two regular people who decided to buy some property in Idaho.  On this property they wanted to build their dream home.  It was near a lake in a beautiful and pristine area.  Many Americans see such a story and think how happy these people must be to be able to obtain their dream.  It would’ve been wonderful except here, in this country, we have a branch of the federal government called the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) or as it is commonly referred to the Exceptionally Pompous Assholes, take your pick.

            The story begins when our couple purchased land for $23,000.  It was about 2/3 of an acre and about 500 feet from the water in Priest Lake.  Being law abiding, legal resident citizens they obtained all the required county permits before work began.  While happily building the foundation for their home some representatives from the EPA arrived.  I wonder if they arrived wearing expensive pinstripe suits and driving a huge car as mandolin music was heard in the background.  As the EPA official approached the couple the conversation could’ve gone something like this.

“Aye, wadda ya don’ here, huh?

“We’re just building our dream home after legally purchasing the property and obtaining all the proper permits.

The man chuckles and looks at the other men standing near the car.

“You believe these people?  Thinking they can go around building dream homes after buying property and getting permits.  What do they think this is a free country?”

The men near the car laugh as the EPA representative turns around and starts pointing at the Sacketts.

“Well knock it off.”

“Why?”

“Why?  “Because I’m the EPA that’s why.  You know what?  I think this property is “wetlands.”  Yeah, that’s it, wetlands.  So, Mr. Land buying, permit getting jerk if you’re smart you’re going to stop this crap right now.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Oh, you gonna’ give me attitude?  Is that attitude I hear?  Here’s what I say to attitude.  Now you going to remove all the building stuff you put here, restore it even better than it was including plants like daffodils.  I like daffodils.”

“But, they don’t grow around here.”

“They do now Mr. Attitude.  And guess what else?  After you do all that you get to guard this land for a few years and then I may consider allowing you to pay $250,000 to us at the EPA to complete your home, and with your mouth you gonna’ pay $75,000 per day each day you don’t do what I tell you.  You understand that?”

            Now the Sacketts tried to have a hearing at the EPA because they checked before they started building and their land was not listed on the EPA’s inventory of “wetlands.”  When they made their request the EPA just waved their hands, denied their request for a hearing and said “Pbbbbbth, whatever, where’s my seventy five G’s for the day butt head?”

            So the Sacketts filed a lawsuit and went to court.  The case has made its way to the US Supreme Court.  I’ll summarize in laymen’s terms what was said between the justices of the Supreme Court and the attorney from the EPA.

(Readmikenow interpretations of conversation between Supreme Court Justices and EPA Attorney)

JUSTICES: Hey, EPA Attorney guy, what are you nuts?  These people buy property fair and square, get all the required legal permits, make sure their property ain’t on your inventory of “wetlands” and you still go and jack them up?  What’s up with that?”

EPA ATTORNEY:  Yeah, well, you know what?  These people are daffodilaphobes and we can’t let that happen in this country.

JUSTICES: Daffodilaphobes?

EPA ATTORNEY:  I merely suggested to them they plant a few daffodils on that property of theirs and you should have seen how they reacted.  The hatred in their eyes was quite upsetting.”

JUSTICES: Daffodils don’t grow there.

EPA ATTORNEY: And they won’t with that attitude.  Your honor, it’s this kind of behavior that has let daffodilaphobia run lose in our country and ruin the lives of daffodils everywhere.

JUSTICES: You’re one crazy SOB.

EPA ATTORNEY: So I’m qualified to wear a robe.

Between 1980 and 2001, the EPA issued up to 3,000 compliance orders every year across the nation.  The events above may not have happened exactly as I described them but it’s a travesty that they had to happen at all.

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Talkin' 'Bout My Generation

            It’s funny how your perceptions of things change as you get older.  There was a time when the Baby Boomer generation’s mantra was “Never trust anyone over 30.”  I suppose this probably made good sense to many young people at that time because when you’re in a drug induced state anything sounds good.  They probably would’ve cheered being told to never trust anyone with nose hair.  Now that most Baby Boomers are approaching sixty are they going have a different chant?  Is the new mantra going to be “Never trust anyone who’s not eligible for Social Security?”

            Recently a survey was done by Home Instead Senior Care and conducted by the Marist Institute for Public Opinion at Marist College.  During the study 1,235 adults 18 years of age and older in the United States were interviewed by telephone and asked “At what age do you consider someone to be old?"

            Unfortunately they didn’t need to conduct a study to find this out.  They just needed to talk to me.  My father played golf regularly into his 80s.  His golf group consisted of himself, two other men in their 80s, a man who was 90 and a very nice man who was 69-years-old.  You would think that a man fast approaching 70 would have the respect of those in their 80s and 90s, but alas it was not so in this golf group.  With these guys their youngest member, who was a great grandfather, was referred to as “the kid” by his golfing partners.  He would often hear stories about when they were young like him.  I once witnessed them telling their youngest member “Wait until you get to be old like us.”

            I often wondered if at that age they passed around a brown bag containing a bottle of Geritol while they golfed.

            “Hey, you’re not passing the bag properly.”

            “Yeah, don’t bogart the Geritol.”

            The results of the study showed Gen Xers believed being 71 made you old, Baby Boomers felt that 77 was the magical elderly number and the Greatest Generation didn’t believe you were old until you had reached 81 years of age.  Another interesting aspect of the study was how men and women perceived the age of being old very differently.  Men seem to believe that someone was old at age 70 years, while women said it was 76 years.  I wonder if that’s because most men will admit to their age while some women could be 88-years-old and believe they’re only 76.  I’m sure everyone has a relative like that in their family.

            The survey results also showed that most people would like to live to be 90 years old.  Most only expected they would make it to be 83 years old.  The average life expectancy in the United States is only 78.4 years.  I guess there’s going to be a lot of disappointed people departing this world.

            Another interesting result of the survey was that people from every generation had the desire and anticipation of living well beyond the age they felt was 'old.'  I guess that makes sense.  I can see people of my generation arguing about age.

“We may be the same age, but I’m not as old as you.”

“You’re older than me even if we’re the same age.  I mean just look at you.”

“Why don’t you just go and look at yourself you old geezer.”

“Who you calling a geezer you geezer.”

There would be a momentary pause as their minds drifted.

“I got to go to the bathroom.”

“I forget where it is.”

“That’s okay I forget where I parked my car.”

“You think that’s bad, I don’t even remember if I drove.”

Don’t forget there’s an old saying that goes if being old was easy, young people would do it.

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