In 2005 Mike and Chantell Sackett were two regular people who decided to buy some property in Idaho. On this property they wanted to build their dream home. It was near a lake in a beautiful and pristine area. Many Americans see such a story and think how happy these people must be to be able to obtain their dream. It would’ve been wonderful except here, in this country, we have a branch of the federal government called the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) or as it is commonly referred to the Exceptionally Pompous Assholes, take your pick.
The story begins when our couple purchased land for $23,000. It was about 2/3 of an acre and about 500 feet from the water in Priest Lake. Being law abiding, legal resident citizens they obtained all the required county permits before work began. While happily building the foundation for their home some representatives from the EPA arrived. I wonder if they arrived wearing expensive pinstripe suits and driving a huge car as mandolin music was heard in the background. As the EPA official approached the couple the conversation could’ve gone something like this.
“Aye, wadda ya don’ here, huh?
“We’re just building our dream home after legally purchasing the property and obtaining all the proper permits.
The man chuckles and looks at the other men standing near the car.
“You believe these people? Thinking they can go around building dream homes after buying property and getting permits. What do they think this is a free country?”
The men near the car laugh as the EPA representative turns around and starts pointing at the Sacketts.
“Well knock it off.”
“Why?”
“Why? “Because I’m the EPA that’s why. You know what? I think this property is “wetlands.” Yeah, that’s it, wetlands. So, Mr. Land buying, permit getting jerk if you’re smart you’re going to stop this crap right now.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Oh, you gonna’ give me attitude? Is that attitude I hear? Here’s what I say to attitude. Now you going to remove all the building stuff you put here, restore it even better than it was including plants like daffodils. I like daffodils.”
“But, they don’t grow around here.”
“They do now Mr. Attitude. And guess what else? After you do all that you get to guard this land for a few years and then I may consider allowing you to pay $250,000 to us at the EPA to complete your home, and with your mouth you gonna’ pay $75,000 per day each day you don’t do what I tell you. You understand that?”
Now the Sacketts tried to have a hearing at the EPA because they checked before they started building and their land was not listed on the EPA’s inventory of “wetlands.” When they made their request the EPA just waved their hands, denied their request for a hearing and said “Pbbbbbth, whatever, where’s my seventy five G’s for the day butt head?”
So the Sacketts filed a lawsuit and went to court. The case has made its way to the US Supreme Court. I’ll summarize in laymen’s terms what was said between the justices of the Supreme Court and the attorney from the EPA.
(Readmikenow interpretations of conversation between Supreme Court Justices and EPA Attorney)
JUSTICES: Hey, EPA Attorney guy, what are you nuts? These people buy property fair and square, get all the required legal permits, make sure their property ain’t on your inventory of “wetlands” and you still go and jack them up? What’s up with that?”
EPA ATTORNEY: Yeah, well, you know what? These people are daffodilaphobes and we can’t let that happen in this country.
JUSTICES: Daffodilaphobes?
EPA ATTORNEY: I merely suggested to them they plant a few daffodils on that property of theirs and you should have seen how they reacted. The hatred in their eyes was quite upsetting.”
JUSTICES: Daffodils don’t grow there.
EPA ATTORNEY: And they won’t with that attitude. Your honor, it’s this kind of behavior that has let daffodilaphobia run lose in our country and ruin the lives of daffodils everywhere.
JUSTICES: You’re one crazy SOB.
EPA ATTORNEY: So I’m qualified to wear a robe.
Between 1980 and 2001, the EPA issued up to 3,000 compliance orders every year across the nation. The events above may not have happened exactly as I described them but it’s a travesty that they had to happen at all.
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