PAMPERED PET

            I can remember all the pets we had when I was growing up.  Our family had the obligatory dog and cat and at one time or another we also provided a home for a gerbil and goldfish.  We loved them, took care of them and felt we had given them some pretty good lives.  By the standards of today’s pet owners we would’ve been considered neglectful, cruel and heartless ogres.

            One of the reasons people may consider us to have been so awful is that we never gave our dog a birthday party.  When a relative of mine told me she was going to willingly pay hard-earned money to a pet store which would provide a birthday party for her dog I didn’t take it serious.

            “You’re going to have a birthday party for your dog?  Are you going to make a funny video and send it to one of those network shows?”

            “No, I’m very serious about this.  I took my dog Chantal to another dog’s birthday party a few weeks ago.”

            “What kind of games do they play at a dog birthday party?  Sniff the tail on the donkey?  How about hump, hump goose?”

            She just rolled her eyes, sighed and left the room.  I realized later she was probably offended because she was actually serious.  A friend enlightened me about the many things people can do for their pets these days.  I had no idea how many individuals there are with lots of money and plenty of free time.

            When we got our dog we bought him a food dish, water dish, took him to the vet for a few shots, got him his dog license and we were all set.  He never asked about going to a birthday party.  This canine was very busy doing dog things like barking, sniffing, marking his territory and sleeping.  Maybe the dogs of today have too much time on their paws and need to attend classes at a local university on the finer points of being just a dog.  If my dog were alive today he would’ve been a great teacher.

            There were times when my dog got sick and we took him to the vet.  The vet would give him a shot or maybe pills our dog would refuse to take.  He always seemed pretty healthy.  The pets of today don’t need just a vet for their healthcare.  They get to visit places that provide holistic pet care.

            At a holistic pet clinic pets can get acupuncture, spinal adjustments as well as myofacial therapy and allergy treatments.  I wonder if acupuncture could actually stop our cat from hairballing in the middle of the night on my desk chair.  Spinal adjustments for a dog I’m sure are very important because if a dog is going to clean itself it should be able to do such a thing free from pain.

            If the pet of today still isn’t happy after their holistic treatment another group of professionals are willing to step up and offer their services.  They call themselves animal psychologists.  I guess if your cat isn’t scratching up your furniture like it did at one time, your dog has lost its desire to mate with your leg or your hamster just isn’t stuffing things in its mouth it just might be the perfect time to get your pet a few sessions with your local animal therapist.

            “Chantel tell me about learning to mark your territory when you were a puppy.  Were your owners sensitive to your desire to chew on everything of value in their home?"

"Woof, Woof, pant, pant, woof."

"I sense your pain.  This will take many more visits at my high hourly rate to fix all of those traumatic experiences you've had during your short but tragic life."

"Woof, bark, bark, woof, pant, bark."

"Don't worry; I'm sure we can work around your massage times as well as your birthday parties and myofacial treatments."

"Woof."

"Glad you're feeling better already."

            I don’t know what will be created next to provide pet owners with a new and innovative way to spend their money.  Will it be a robot that takes your dog for a walk and gives it water while providing music for it to scratch itself by?  How about a movie for your cat that describes the dangers of experimenting with excessive use of catnip?  Maybe we’ll finally have officially elected official to represent the pet populations in government.

            “I plan to vote for Robbie the Rabbit to represent me.  He’s a true family man having 128 off spring just this week.”

            I understand being good to your pet.  I confess to developing an emotional attachment to the pets we’ve had over the years but I’ve never lost sight of the fact they were animals. 

            No birthday party can change the fact that a dog is a dog.  Myofacial treatments for a cat make about as much sense as a litter box for your grandmother.  All the holistic pet care and pet therapists in the world will not change the fact that your pet is an animal.  An animal you treat well, have an emotion bond with and take care of until its last days on this earth. 

            Pet owners who over indulge their pets by spending more on them than the total annual earnings of some populations of some third world countries have serious needs.  The type of needs that aren’t going to be satisfied by having a pet but will require a deep and honest look inside to discover the answer.

Until that happens I guess we’ll continue to see doggy fashion shows, flushing kitty litter boxes and travel packages that include pet accommodations.  I will continue to not envy some people’s luck but be amazed at the fortunate circumstances of some pets.

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RMN FLAIMING IDIOT AWARD VI

It is time for the sixth RMN Flaming Idiot Award.  This is an award given to individuals who have distinguished themselves with behavior that demonstrates an IQ with a decimal point in the front.  The type of individual who might have a family tree that doesn’t fork and only possess one set of DNA.  As we all know these people are everywhere and especially in positions of power.

            The sixth RMN Flaming Idiot Award goes to Dennis Dum, owner of Dum’s Bus Service (the irony here is beyond imagination) and Perry County District Attorney Charles F. Chenot III.  Tara Keener is an emergency room nurse.  After her child couldn’t be awakened upon arrival to the bus stop near their home Tara Keener took action.  When the children around her son seemed upset Tara Keener ran onto the bus.  The bus driver objected but mother Tara Keener made her way to her child and had to work hard to get him awake.  Did the bumbling, bonehead Dum bus company appreciate having a trained emergency room nurse deal with a possible emergency situation?  No, these bus company creeps decided to seek legal action against Tara Keener.  According to Perry County District Attorney Charles F. Chenot III he wasn’t going to charge Tara Keener until they ended up being persuaded by the bus company.  Only a flaming idiot district attorney would be a victim to a bus company and not take responsibility for his legal decision.

            The bus driver reported the incident to the police as required by law.  A state trooper spoke with Tara Keener and told her she wouldn’t be charged.  How comforting to know the state trooper who investigated this had sufficient common sense to see the situation for what it was and assess it properly.  I don’t think his mind would’ve been changed by speaking with the Dum Bus Service.

            After the incident almost five months passed before Keener got a notice in the mail she was facing a third-degree misdemeanor, which could lead to jail for a year and a $2,500 fine.  Perry County District Attorney Charles F. Chenot III said he changed his mind after speaking with Pamela Schaeffer of the Dum Bus Service.  Their main point was they can’t let one person do this because pretty soon you’ll have all sorts of parents going onto the bus.  Huh?  I hate to ask this question but I wonder if the Dum Bus Service has ever experienced a wild rush of parents boarding their buses because they feel their child is having a health issue?  If all the parents are trained emergency room nurses it might be considered a good thing.

            Charles F. Chenot II feels most parents aren’t a problem but wonders what should be done when a sex offender wants to get on the bus to get his kids off.  Huh?  People like Charles F. Chenot II make me wonder if law school is a place where people must give up their common sense and logic before attending.  Is he trying to say Tara Keener was a sex offender?  Is he saying a real problem exists with sex offenders going onto buses to get their children?  Are these sex offenders regularly boarding these school buses because they think their children may be in danger?  Are these sex offenders trained emergency room nurses?  I would like him to come up with incidents that mirrors this one where a sex offender was involved. 

            The bus company states that if they have one parent let off the hook how does the next parent not give a good reason to enter the bus and board it against the bus driver’s recommendations.  They wonder where to draw the line.  Well I don’t work for an organization called the Dum Bus Service but I do have a suggestion.  It’s called understanding.  If a law enforcement officer could understand this situation why can’t the Dum Dums and Dum Bus Service get it?  Maybe they should take the time to respect the desire of a mother to help her child.  Keener said when the children couldn’t wake her son the bus driver didn’t act quickly enough and the bus driver said she didn’t have a chance.  How much chance does a parent want to give a bus driver when they feel their child is in danger?

            In a massive display of insensitivity and ignorance Perry County District Attorney Charles F. Chenot III offered Keener a probationary program designed to allow her to eventually wipe her record clean.  (The following is sarcasm and may be illegal to be repeated on a school bus in Perry County) Wow, what a deal!  A mother who is a trained emergency room nurse goes onto a school bus because she thinks her son is in danger and gets treated just like someone who is a drug dealer, thief or guilty of committing assault.  What a concept of justice?

            This case is going to go to trial.  I would love to be there.  It would be great to see jurors witness a mother who went to her child when she thought he was in danger being labeled as a criminal.  I hope when this case is over Dennis Dum, the owner of the Dum Bus Service, becomes familiar with a legal concept called a civil lawsuit.

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CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES

            I know that most of us like celebrate our usual holidays such as Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and the first day of football season.  I’ve come to realize that other countries have similar and different holidays they love to celebrate in very different ways.  One of my favorites has to be something they have in Germany called Vatertag or Father’s Day which is a federal holiday.  Not only do Germans make great beer but they know how to make a dad happy.

            Vatertag is always celebrated on the Thursday. 40 days after Easter.  Unlike the Father’s Days I’ve experienced where people give a gift and card accompanied with a hug and nice comments Germany does things a bit different.  It seems they give their fathers exactly what many dads would want on their day of recognition, sanctioned binge drinking.  On Vatertag guys fill something called a Bollerwagen (imagine a little red wagon with wheels) with an enormous amount of booze.  They then pull the booze filled wagon through the woods drinking until the wagon is empty and then go home.  My guess is that this symbolizes the brain cells dads have destroyed just from having kids.

            In South Korea they have a very well developed appreciation for mud.  For a full week in July 1.2 million tourists travel to Boryeong, South Korea for the annual mud festival.  I would suggest that germaphobes avoid such a party.  During this event people can participate in things such as mud skiing and mud soccer.  For those who love to fill their house with tourist-type junk there is also mud oriented arts & crafts.  As a kid I didn’t need an event like this to celebrate mud.  For some reason my mother never felt like celebrating when I came home covered in the stuff.

            Here we have water parks and water guns usually used by children.  In Thailand they have something called the Songkran Festival.  This is part of the Thai New Year’s celebration and involves anyone daring to go into the street being open game to get doused with water.  Buckets of water, hoses and water balloon barrages are not uncommon.  Sounds like the ultimate in a water fight experience.  I would like to celebrate this during the summer months.  If this we tried this on New Years where I live it would turn into the ultimate ice fighting experience.

            I used to think that the 4^th of July was the perfect day for the pyromaniac in us all.  I was wrong.  The Greeks have a celebration that would send most pyromaniacs into a state of nirvana.  Rouketopolemos is a celebration that combines religion and rockets.  At midnight before Easter Sunday the congregations of Panagia Erthiani and Agios Markos churches line up facing each other armed with rockets made of wooden sticks loaded with an explosive mixture containing gunpowder.  During the night these home made rockets are launched from a platform tilted up and angled toward the opposing church.  The goal is to hit the other church’s bell tower with more rockets than yours gets hit.  Now that easily beats any Easter egg hunts I’ve ever been on.

            “What should we do for a fund raiser?”

            “There’s the outreach spaghetti dinner.”

            “No.”

            “How about we hold a bake sale?”

            “Boring.”

            “Then what do you suggest?”

            “Let’s challenge the church down the road to an exploding rocket battle.”

            “Could we hold it on Ground Hog day?”

            “Sure.”

            In Spain they have an annual tradition that has been celebrated since 1620 and consists of jumping over babies.  In the Spanish village of Castrillo de Murcia it is done to mark the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi.  A guy playing a drum is surrounded by some very well-dressed solemn looking men.  They all walk through the street to the beat of the drum.  In front of them is a rather nimble person dressed in bright colors who represents the devil.  As they process through the street the devil guy chases the children who laugh and run.  At the end of the procession there are babies laid out on mattresses in the middle of the street.  The devil guy then jumps over the mystified babies who all feel they could use their bottle.  If it was my kid on a mattress I would also need my bottle just to watch such a thing.

            Now when it comes to celebrations Russia has one that could become quite popular over time.  It seems the national birthrate is on a dramatic decline in that country.  Not one to provide an environment where people want to have children the government has gotten involved.  The Governor of Ulyanovsk in Russia has declared September 12 to be the Day of Conception.  It a day where citizen are to spend time with their significant other using their biological equipment to produce more Russian citizens.  September 12 is perfect because it is nine months before Russia Day, which is designed to be a day of national Russian pride.  Women who give birth that day are given prizes including cash, appliances and once someone even got a car.  I bet if Russia ever had Mexico on their southern boarder their population problems would be over within a few months.

            I think all these celebrations prove people are so desperate to escape their day-to-day routine they’ll do just about anything.  I think I’ll start my own holiday and call it JMK Day.  It’s a day where people will give me money and I say thank you.  The reason is for people to experience the extreme joy associated with giving someone money and changing their life.  I just hope the IRS doesn’t find out about it.  Unfortunately they have their own holiday celebrated every April 15^th.

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