THE INTERVIEW OF OSAMA BIN LADEN’S YOUNGEST WIFE

There are many news stories in the media informing us that members of U.S. intelligence have been able to interview Osama bin Laden’s youngest wife, Amal Ahmed Abdul Fatah.  I am not a member of any governmental intelligence organization but I bet it was a rather difficult interview.  Forget the fact that Navy SEALs shot her in the leg right before she witnessed her husband’s demise.  Let’s even forget that the entire world saw her house in such a mess that many people wonder about her housekeeping abilities.  This is a person who was willing to protect one of the biggest mass murders in modern history.  How does anyone rationalize such a thing?

U.S. INTELLIGENCE - Please tell us why you lived with Osama bin Laden and had three children with him?

AMAL AHMED ABDUL FATAH – Oh, you’re all the same.  You only knew him as the murdering psychopath Osama bin Laden.  There was so much more to him than just his work.  Oh, it’s true that he killed thousands of innocent people, but who has a husband that’s perfect?  Yes, I was his fifth wife but a man needs to practice before he gets things right.  Nobody can take away those special memories I have of our honeymoon at Tora Bora.  The light from the aerial bombing attacks put such a special glow in our darkened cave.  I’ll never forget it.  I know there are American wives who would love to have their husbands shot by Navy SEALs, but it’s not as great as most people would think.

U.S. INTELLIGENCE – Did he tell you anything about his terrorist organization?

AMAL AHMED ABDUL FATAH – Unlike most people in the United States he took time away from the job.  When he wasn’t planning to blow up planes or fly them into buildings he was a real family man.  Trust me when I tell you the man had family.  After five wives and 18 children we were all thinking about how to become a professional sports team, but that’s another matter for another time.  At the end of the day his work was the last thing he wanted to talk about.

U.S. INTELLIGENCE – Can you tell us anything about plans for future attacks?

AMAL AHMED ABDUL FATAH – He did talk about starting a terrorist franchise business.  That way the bombs could all be made the same, people would yell the same thing before they blew themselves up and everything would be much more organized, but it never got off the ground.  He also was going to offer some classes at the local community college about starting your own terrorist organization, but he never found the time.

            We’ve also learned the relationship between Osama bin Laden and Amal Ahmed Abdul Fatah did not have a romantic beginning.  She was given to Osama bin Laden as a present.  Huh?  Exactly how does this work?  Are we to imagine a party where Osama is opening one gift after another and saving the biggest one for last.  When he opens the large box his young wife pops out wearing her Berka with a bow on it.  Was he then unable to hide the intense joy he felt from receiving such a gift?

            “Wow, guys, I just don’t know what to say.  You got me a young, new wife of my very own.  How did you know that’s exactly what I wanted?  You people are too much.  I mean, I thought the automatic goat cheese maker was a great idea, but this is even better.  How do I begin to thank all of you?”

            “Promise not to blow any of us up.”

            “I can’t do that, but if you ever want to use the automatic goat cheese maker just ask.”

            “It’s a deal.”

            What will Amal Ahmed Abdul Fatah tell her young children about their father?

“Ignore those pictures of daddy with that gray beard.  Daddy was much better looking when we put color on it for his television appearances.”

“Was daddy TV announcer?”

“Ah, well, not exactly.”

“Was he on TV a lot?”

“Yes, but let me show you more of our honeymoon pictures from Tora Bora.

“Okay.”

Amal Ahmed Abdul Fatah is now busy recovering from her bullet wounds.  She’s probably struggling with the reality that the life she led for years is now over.  Maybe in some strange way she’s just another victim of Osama bin Laden.  Lucky for her, she’s one of the few alive to talk about it.

Students Suspended for Farting on School Bus. A real story

It is time for the first ever  Flaming Idiot Award.  This is an award given to individuals who have distinguished themselves with behavior that demonstrates an IQ with a decimal point in the front.  The type of individual who might have a family tree that doesn’t fork and has only one set of DNA.  As we all know these people are everywhere and especially in positions of power.

The first ever Flaming Idiot Award goes to (drum roll please) the school officials of Canal Winchester Middle School in Ohio. 

These people are honored with this award for putting on a colossal display of ignorance by suspending two middle school students for passing gas.  That’s right folks; these kids actually were punished by their school for farting on a school bus.  However, these school officials refused to acknowledge this activity as farting.  These brilliant members of our society chose instead to refer to this activity as making (are you ready for this?) an “obscene gesture.”  Huh?

Just so all of you know that passing gas is no longer farting in this school district.  You are now considered to be making an obscene gesture.  I must confess right here and now that after a night of Mexican food and beer I have been known to clear out entire buildings with my obscene gestures.  I was once on an elevator when an old guy who made a rather aromatic obscene gesture and was surprised the hotel didn’t call in a Hazmat team.

When I was in school it was required to laugh at farts.  Should you not laugh when someone farted you might have been considered a space alien.  It’s been over 40 years since I was in middle school but I will admit to farting on a school bus.  All it took was one cafeteria meal heavy with vegetables and the entire bus would erupt with aromatic obscene gestures.  Our school bus driver didn’t try and get us suspended.  He just supplied his own aromatic obscene gestures.  Sure we were all a little oxygen deprived when we left the school bus but nobody got suspended.

What was the administrator’s solution to the problem?  They feel two middle school boys should hold their gas on the hour-long bus ride home from school.  Huh?  What are they thinking?  Do they believe forcing a child to control flatulence will make them learn better and become responsible citizens when they grow up?

Picture a man on death row being interviewed.

“I would have never killed, robbed and stolen if I had only learned to control my flatulence.  Oh, why didn’t I try to hold in my gas?  Look at me now.  Let my miserable life be a lesson to all those who refuse to control their flatulence.” 

I actually think there is a movie with a very similar plot on cable.

I can’t begin to comprehend the thought process that had to have taken place in order for anyone to come up with this decision.  What’s next for the students at this school?  If you can be suspended for farting can you now be suspended for burping or cracking your knuckles?  What behavior will come next under the umbrella of an “obscene gesture?”

My heart goes out to the parents of these children.  With students in schools across the country being suspended for everything from drug possession to having illegal weapons, their children get a mark on their record because of the stupidity and ignorance of school administrators.

So the Flaming Idiot Award is now officially the possession of the school officials of Canal Winchester Middle School in Ohio.  I only wish there was a way to give them a 21 obscene gesture salute to go with it.

Here is a link to the story

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/boy-suspended-for-farting_n_861014

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WHY IS EVERYONE SO UPSET WITH PAKISTAN?

Now that Osama Bin Laden has departed this world many people in the American intelligence community are wondering how one of the most notorious mass murderers in modern history could have lived in a residential community for years and not be noticed.  It seems that people of different political persuasions see this situation in very different ways.

LIBERAL FRIEND VIEWPOINT.  “I’m sure there are very good reasons why they didn’t’ know he was in their country, at a huge compound with no Internet or telephone.  I mean, like, so what if he lived a short walk away from the Pakistan military academy.  I bet we have some gruff people living near places like West Point and the Naval Academy.  Well, they may not be actual terrorists who are wanted by the entire world for mass murder, but still, I bet they’re very rude and probably don’t understand the priceless political insights provided by “The View.”

CONSERVATIVE FRIEND VIEWPOINT.  "If you believe the Pakistan military and intelligence didn’t know where Osama Bin Laden was hiding you probably believe Bill Clinton should teach ethics.  I say we quit sending them billions of our dollars.  Simple solution to the terrorist problem, nuke ‘em till they glow then shoot ‘em in the dark." 

I can only imagine the conversation between intelligence officers from the United States and Pakistan.

U.S. - How did one of the best known terrorists of our time go undetected in a city filled with military people and within walking distance to your military academy?

PAKISTAN – Yeah, that, ah, you know it’s a bit of a mystery. The women there never said anything when they were at the Mommies and Us program held at one of the houses in the neighborhood.  We thought maybe it was just a strange group of people who were obsessed with buying soccer balls from children who kicked them into their compound.  They seemed to like to burn their own trash which, as you know, is a sign of people who can take care of things themselves.  I actually wish more people would do such a thing.

U.S. Didn’t it seem strange to you that they burned their own trash, had no telephone lines and no Internet?

PAKISTAN – Not really. They made all their payment to corrupt city officials, paid their taxes and were quiet.  We thought the people in the home just had no desire to look at Internet porn.  The neighbors seemed to like them.  Our program to knock on all the doors in the neighborhood and ask if a terrorist is residing there was a failure so we abandoned it.  If you think that’s strange, you should see my neighbors.  These people drink too many soft drinks and the effects are awful.  Let’s just say they have gas and rid their bodies of it in very socially unacceptable ways.  I truly believe they’re not terrorists.  If they were I would gladly turn them in myself.

U.S. – Is there any way you could have known that Osama Bin Laden was living there?
PAKISTAN – He didn’t advertise.  He did not hold a seminar for aspiring terrorists at his home.  There was no effort to have a meet and greet the most wanted mass murderer in the world night.  He refused to sign autographs.  So, it was difficult to know he was there.

U.S. - Why should we continue to send you billions in foreign aid?
PAKISTAN – We’re a good investment.  It’s obvious we need the money.  Just give us a little more time and we’ll figure out the terrorist location thing.  You know, buying all those American flags we burn costs money and you can’t imagine how much our nuclear program is costing us.  Did I just mention our nuclear program?  What’s a couple of billion here and there to keep nuclear weapons out of the hands of terrorists who we have no idea are living in our country? 

I don’t know what the relationship between the United States and Pakistan will be in the future.  When it comes to fighting the war on terror the relationship between our two countries is like a dysfunctional marriage.  We can live with them, can’t live without them

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