WHY IS EVERYONE SO UPSET WITH PAKISTAN?

Now that Osama Bin Laden has departed this world many people in the American intelligence community are wondering how one of the most notorious mass murderers in modern history could have lived in a residential community for years and not be noticed.  It seems that people of different political persuasions see this situation in very different ways.

LIBERAL FRIEND VIEWPOINT.  “I’m sure there are very good reasons why they didn’t’ know he was in their country, at a huge compound with no Internet or telephone.  I mean, like, so what if he lived a short walk away from the Pakistan military academy.  I bet we have some gruff people living near places like West Point and the Naval Academy.  Well, they may not be actual terrorists who are wanted by the entire world for mass murder, but still, I bet they’re very rude and probably don’t understand the priceless political insights provided by “The View.”

CONSERVATIVE FRIEND VIEWPOINT.  "If you believe the Pakistan military and intelligence didn’t know where Osama Bin Laden was hiding you probably believe Bill Clinton should teach ethics.  I say we quit sending them billions of our dollars.  Simple solution to the terrorist problem, nuke ‘em till they glow then shoot ‘em in the dark." 

I can only imagine the conversation between intelligence officers from the United States and Pakistan.

U.S. - How did one of the best known terrorists of our time go undetected in a city filled with military people and within walking distance to your military academy?

PAKISTAN – Yeah, that, ah, you know it’s a bit of a mystery. The women there never said anything when they were at the Mommies and Us program held at one of the houses in the neighborhood.  We thought maybe it was just a strange group of people who were obsessed with buying soccer balls from children who kicked them into their compound.  They seemed to like to burn their own trash which, as you know, is a sign of people who can take care of things themselves.  I actually wish more people would do such a thing.

U.S. Didn’t it seem strange to you that they burned their own trash, had no telephone lines and no Internet?

PAKISTAN – Not really. They made all their payment to corrupt city officials, paid their taxes and were quiet.  We thought the people in the home just had no desire to look at Internet porn.  The neighbors seemed to like them.  Our program to knock on all the doors in the neighborhood and ask if a terrorist is residing there was a failure so we abandoned it.  If you think that’s strange, you should see my neighbors.  These people drink too many soft drinks and the effects are awful.  Let’s just say they have gas and rid their bodies of it in very socially unacceptable ways.  I truly believe they’re not terrorists.  If they were I would gladly turn them in myself.

U.S. – Is there any way you could have known that Osama Bin Laden was living there?
PAKISTAN – He didn’t advertise.  He did not hold a seminar for aspiring terrorists at his home.  There was no effort to have a meet and greet the most wanted mass murderer in the world night.  He refused to sign autographs.  So, it was difficult to know he was there.

U.S. - Why should we continue to send you billions in foreign aid?
PAKISTAN – We’re a good investment.  It’s obvious we need the money.  Just give us a little more time and we’ll figure out the terrorist location thing.  You know, buying all those American flags we burn costs money and you can’t imagine how much our nuclear program is costing us.  Did I just mention our nuclear program?  What’s a couple of billion here and there to keep nuclear weapons out of the hands of terrorists who we have no idea are living in our country? 

I don’t know what the relationship between the United States and Pakistan will be in the future.  When it comes to fighting the war on terror the relationship between our two countries is like a dysfunctional marriage.  We can live with them, can’t live without them

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