The ReadMikeNow interview series is proud to welcome Regnad Kicn. He is a Norwegian businessman credited with developing sunscreen for reindeer. His company is small, but he does claim to control the reindeer sunscreen market.
Welcome to ReadMikeNow. How did you decide to develop sunscreen for reindeer?
Hello Mike. Well that is an interesting story. As you know, I have held a host of jobs in my life before finding my true calling. Everything from being a bouncer at a Chuck-E-Cheese, hand model, tour guide at a morgue and six months as a cellulite sculptor. But several years back, I found myself in Norway after hopping a tramp steamer in Baltimore trying to escape some unsavory types after losing several hands of Go Fish for serious money. I decided to stay in Norway and try to find my fortune. I was hired in at Gunderfonts Animal-Metrics, a small firm that made hats and tiny mittens for pets in their international sales team. I was a natural and within months had rocketed up to take over management of the entire sales force. Through use of social media and BOGO coupons (genius marketing - sell one mitten for a certain high price and throw in the second for free - I mean really, who buys one mitten), we sent Gunderfonts to the very top of the Pet Accessory market. Eventually I was moved into the executive area and came to rest in the R&D department. My team became responsible for several style items for pets that you are probably well aware of; monocles for cats, ascots for ferrets, spats for horses and perhaps our best seller, the dog robe. “Now Fido can go outside for his morning constitutional without shame or embarrassment’. Yes, that was mine! Anyway, I was vacationing in Miami one August when I noticed a group of reindeer sitting at the pool. They were miserable. Scorched so badly by the sun, they looked like boiled lobsters. Once you hear the sound of a reindeer squealing and bleating in pain from chaffed hind quarters … it’s haunting. Well that was when the seed was planted. I rushed back to the lab and a few months later my team produced our prototype of Gunderfonts Reindeer Sunscreen.
Would you care for some Swedish Fish? I know, I know …it’s a bit of a stereotype but we Nordic types really do love Swedish Fish. And sardines. We love sardines.
You have come received criticism for using scantly clad models wearing little more than antlers to sell your product. How do you respond to these critics.
My response? Piffle. Balderdash. Nonsense. We here at Gunderfonts did not invent marketing! We are simply using the best possible techniques to get our product to the proper market. Honestly, do you think that a reindeer is more likely to respond to a man in a lab coat offering them relief from rankled and prickly sun burn or from a beautiful, scantily (to borrow your phrase) clad model? Well I can’t speak for you of course but I know what works for me. And if a hot model in a bikini offers me a turd in a bun, I am most likely going to sit and listen to her pitch.
Is there any truth to the rumors that when your reindeer sunscreen is incorrectly applied, people have gotten hurt? Are you going to put more safety information on your warning label?
No, our product is completely safe now. Granted our first few versions were a little ‘iffy’, we have managed to reduce the risk with this version. And you know, to be honest, I was a little miffed when all of this nonsense started. Okay, a few reindeer burst into flames when they applied the sunscreen but all in the name of research, right? I mean you cannot make an omelet and not break a few eggs. And all of those cases have been settled for an undisclosed number of bales of hay, a few glitter pens and some stickers. (Reindeer are notoriously bad negotiators).
I understand you're trying to expand your product line into North America. This summer you introduced Grizzly bear and Mountain Lion sunscreen. Why did you chose to go in this direction with your product development?
It’s only natural Mike. We Americans (and no, I have not given up my American citizenship.) love our pets and that love extends to animals in general. If you go to the movies in the States and thirty people are killed in the story, no one seems to notice. But man, if an animal dies? Cries go up throughout the theatre. So again it just seems a natural. And given the relatively small community of reindeer in the United States (a few pockets in Maine, Washington State, Michigan, Montana and oddly enough, Roanoke, Virginia) we realized we would have to tailor our product to the available market. And mountain lions and grizzly bears seemed a natural fit. Stay tuned! If these products take off, watch for sun screen and various other skin care products for the following: armadillos, skunks, possums and their creepy Irish cousins, the O’possums.
There are some members of the Norwegian business community who have accused you of only being interested in huge government research grants. They allege you really have no desire to develop a worthwhile product. How do you respond to these critics?
Sour grapes. Plain and simple. Sour grapes. These are the same groups that launched a smear campaign when Andreesens Fast Food introduced the Snappy Meal for children. Do you remember this controversy? No? Back in the 80’s, Andreesens marketed the Snappy Meal. The basic thrust was a small box filled with delicious raw snapper, a beet, a yam and an apple. Each meal came with a toy. If I remember correctly, the first year the toys were action figures relating to great moments in Nordic history. My own kids collected both of them. But eventually the furor died down as this will as well. And if they have a problem with our success? Then all I can say is ‘Work harder for your own.”
You've said in the past you want to make your Norwegian sunscreen identify Norway as legos identify Denmark. What exactly do you mean?
Haha, to be honest, I am not quite sure what I meant. Was I drinking when I said that? Yes, most likely I was. I do drink quite a bit. But here in Norway, aside from naked jogging, there really is not much else to do. Drink. Run naked through the town square. Work. Drink. Run naked through the town square. Luckily for me, I love routine. But if pressed for an explanation, I would think that I meant that I would like people to see the Gunderfonts trademark and think Norway. Oh what a glorious day when kids and adults alike sing the Gunderfont Corporate tag line. “Silken cats pajamas or hosiery for your bees knees, Gunderfonts for all of you animal skin care needs’. It really is catchy. Try it. Sing it loud. Double whammy. Marketing for us and you have a chance to annoy everyone within earshot.
What do you see for the future of your Norwegian sunscreen company?
Our future? To the moon Alice. Haha. We intend to take Gunderfonts well into the future. We are currently working hard to break into the remaining markets that have been closed to us. China, the Middle East and New Zealand. Once that is done, we will have the total market for animal skin care. That is our goal. Global domination (and not in a bad way). When people think successful companies, we want them to think Apple, AT&T, Honda AND Gunderfonts!
Thanks for being part of ReadMikeNow.
Thank you Mike. It was a pleasure to see you again and speak with you as always. Be careful on your trip home. And here, take some Swedish Fish with you for the flight. Don’t forget to pickup your gift bag on the way out. My research assistant Ursla Bitnersnooch will drive you to the airport. She’s an execellent driver, just don’t let her sing. It’s maddening.
REALITY
Regnad
Kicn is actually a long time friend of mine. His name is Nick. I
forget his last name. I'm sure he has one. He works at some company
in Pittsburgh. I'm not sure which one. He does work and have a
pretty good job. I actually have no idea why he agreed to do this,
but he did.
Anything
you'd like the followers of ReadMikeNow to know about you Nick? Some
of them may know you a bit better than me, but probably not longer.
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