ENVIRO FOOLS

            I’m one of those people who really enjoy spending time in the outdoors.  I hike, backpack, camp and am ready to try anything else that is fun to do outside.  I’ve been doing this for a few decades.  Over time I’ve noticed changes happening in the outdoors.  It’s not so much the outdoors as it is the people you find in the outdoors.

            When I was younger people hiking in the woods were excited to be there.  The backpacks and tents were canvas and were heavy.  Food was in cans and was heavy.  You either had to be very strong or not go too far from resupply points to hike.  Spending time in the woods required a level of dedication.  Over the years the equipment has gotten lighter.  Dehydrated food has become more plentiful to all who are willing to buy it.  As a result you now see people roaming around in the woods who wouldn’t have left the edge of their town a few decades ago. 

            There are people who go into the woods now who have gained all their outdoor knowledge from the internet.  These are people who feel their computer gained knowledge is better than real world experience.  Unfortunately they’ve put so much faith into what they learned in the cyber world they can’t comprehend it just may be wrong.  

            When I was backpacking this year I heard the sound of jingle bells behind me.  I was shocked that Santa would be visiting a backpacking trail miles away from the nearest town.  It appears a young man was wearing jingle bells so he could be heard by bears in the woods and wouldn’t surprise them.  I asked him how he learned about this and he told me he’d read about it on an online nature magazine.  I tried to explain on a well traveled trail bears avoid people and can hear you, smell you long before you get near.  I suggested if he’s nervous he could always just whistle.  He looked at me and asked why it would be online if it wasn’t something he should do.  I was then going to try and sell him a one of a kind rock that was on the ground near my foot but resisted the temptation.

            With this type of experience I should not have been shocked by certain people’s reaction to the theory of man-made global warming.  When I was growing up there were studies that showed we were headed for global cooling.  This was a time before the internet and most of us figured we had winter clothes so it probably wasn’t a big deal. 

            There were studies about man-made global warming for years before Al Gore decided to exploit it for fame and fortune.  When his movie “An Inconvenient Truth” came out there were people who took it as fact.  The government told universities if you want millions in grant money you have to be willing to find there is such a thing as man-made global warming so we can continue to give you millions of dollars in grant money.  Universities opened their arms wide, took all the cash and told the government not to worry. 

            Freaking out about man-made global warming soon became quite popular.  Governments around the world saw an opportunity to scare people and take more of their money.  They let their citizens know it was to save the planet and protect them against corporate evil.  Of course Hollywood gave Al Gore an Oscar for his movie.  This proves a documentary doesn’t have to be based in truth for Hollywood to like it.  Al Gore also won a Nobel peace prize which proves such a prize isn’t based on reality but whatever gives the Nobel peace prize committee the best feelings.

            The most amazing aspect of the climate debate are the scientists whose research shows the climate may be changing but man is not the cause, they have been vilified.  Reports were published that demonstrated the idea of man doing anything to destroy the planet tended to make the earth burst into uncontrollable laughter. There was such an insane frenzy about man-made global warming that truth and reality were lost.  People with empty lives who needed a noble cause such as saving the planet refused to listen to reason.  What they were saving the planet from was not important to most of them. 

            “We’ve got to save the planet from vile, evil corporations that make my computers, clothes and favorite car but cause global warming.”

            “Emails leaked from East Anglia University show global warming data was manipulated.”

            “Yeah, yeah so what.”

            “A court in the United Kingdom said Al Gore’s movie contained at least 11 falsehoods and refused to show it to schoolchildren unless those falsehoods were stated first.”

            “The next thing you’ll tell me is that polar bears are not in trouble from man-made global warming melting the ice.”

            “The scientist who wrote the paper about global warming hurting the polar bear is being investigated for scientific misconduct.”

            “Yeah, well, we may not have global warming but we can still tell people to fear climate change.  If it gets too cold or too hot we can always say man is causing the climate to change.  Nobody will be able to prove us wrong.  This will enable us to convince the government to continue giving universities vast sums of money and tax people to protect them.  We’ll even organize a protest.  Isn’t that a great idea?”

            “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!”

            After I spoke with the ding a ling bell-wearing guy he paid no attention to what I had told him.  He continued to trot along the trail warning bears and any other form of wildlife that he was an idiot.  Experience and reality meant nothing to him.  Over the years I don’t think nature has changed much.  How people think about nature has changed more than any of us realize.

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GREAT GOVERNMENTAL GAFFES

            I’ve never been a fan of big corporations or big government.  Big corporations earn people’s money but tend to treat us as if we’re undeserving peasants who must bestow our hard-earned cash upon them in order to survive.  Big government takes people’s money and tends to be run by the most incompetent individuals who roam the planet earth.  The only endearing thing about big corporations is that they do make some neat electronics and other stuff.  The only endearing thing about big government is it’s done an okay job of keeping foreign invaders from taking over my neighborhood and usually runs pretty good interference for me with criminals.

            Unfortunately the power of the government in the wrong hands usually results in quite a bit of frustration.  I truly feel that common sense and logic are banned from all governmental decision makers everywhere.

            In Houston there was a Christian couple who were doing what Christian people like to do; feeding the hungry.  Unfortunately the city of Houston couldn’t have anybody in their city performing acts of charity for hungry people.  The city of Houston said it’s their job to protect hungry people from being fed by Christians.  The city told the couple they had to have a permit to distribute free food.  The city’s Department of Health and Human Services said any food served to the public for any reason must be prepared in a certified kitchen run by a certified food manager.  (The following is sarcasm and luckily I don’t need a permit to write it.)  That makes perfect sense because the last thing you want are hungry homeless people eating something not made by a certified kitchen.  We should realize homeless people all have very high dietary standards.  If the hungry homeless people commit crimes to get food money at least they can feel secure in the knowledge that when they get to jail they’ll be getting fed from a certified kitchen with a certified food manager.

            The state of Nevada’s Department of Motor Vehicles has redefined the word “hypocrisy.”  Like all state governments they’re always looking for a way to get some extra cash and like all states they offer people the opportunity to pay for vanity license plates.  Last year they denied a resident of Nevada’s request to have a license plate made that said “GOPALIN” on it.  The Nevada Department of Motor Vehicles stated that any vanity license plate deemed to be “vulgar, obscene or expressing superiority of political affiliation” would be denied.  Fair enough but many people in the state of Nevada drive around with vanity license plates that read “GO OBAMA,” DEOMCRAT,” GOGREEN” and “KERRY.”  I wonder if someone could get a vanity license plate that read “DMVHYPCRTS.”

            A Family Court judge in New York City is a supreme example of why people wonder if the judicial system has lost its ability to comprehend reality.  This judge awarded custody of a teenage boy to his homeless father.  The father in question has lived in storefronts and borrowed rooms for years.  His son now gets to live with him in a shelter and learn all about how to succeed in life from a man who has no concept of paying rent.  The boy’s mother makes $90,000 a year as a court clerk working for the Manhattan Supreme Court.  (If the above mentioned New York City judge is reading this the following is sarcasm in every legal sense of the word.)  Oh, so what if she can provide a nice home for her teenage son and be an example of a financially responsible person.  Could she teach her son how to beg for money or sleep in storefronts?  Could she ever teach him the proper way to live at a homeless shelter?

The judge actually scolded the mother because she was critical of his court and the legal system.  I just wonder if this person didn’t have a position as judge if their level of intelligence and legal skills would enable them to also live in storefronts and shelters.

There are times I think the city officials of San Francisco pass out illegal drugs before every session and don’t begin to debate or discuss anything until they've take full effect on their collective brains.  These individuals are now seeking to make ex-convicts a “protected class.”  Currently in the city by the brainless an ex-con has a special status when applying for city government jobs. 

“I don’t know why I didn’t get a job with the city of San Francisco.  I’ve got all the qualifications, education and experience they desire.”

“Were you ever arrested and serve time in prison?”

“No.”

“There’s your problem.  Go and get arrested, do a little time in prison then when you get out you’ll have everything they want including that special ex-con status they like so much.”

“I’d like to thank the city of San Francisco for giving me motivation to engage in criminal activity.”

“Hey, it’s a special place run by special people.”

Now they want it to be illegal for landlords and private employers to ask about a person’s criminal record.  Good luck to a fireworks manufacturer who unknowingly hires a pyromaniac.

The list of stupid things done by people in government just goes on and on.  Stupid people in the private sector can do a lot of harm to a company and consumers.  Stupid people in the public sector can do a lot of harm in people’s lives in general.  It’s always a shame that so many stupid people have so much power over so many of us.

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Exorcism School for Lay People. A Real Story

            Most parents have a child who struggles with deciding on a career path.  It seems most kids go to college, technical school, get a job or go into the military.  Now for the confused student, there is another option that could provide an exciting and action-packed career for any young person with a desire to enter the religious field.  Am I talking about being a missionary in some foreign country where the inhabitants view you as their next holiday meal? No.  Due to Bob Larson and the Spiritual Freedom Churches International, aspiring youths can now attend their school for exorcists.  The exorcism market seems to have an endless supply of demon possessed people.  Why the church boats to have requests for over 1,000 exorcisms a month.  With that kind of demand, it’s no wonder their churning out exorcists and quickly as demons can possess people. 

            Unfortunately, the requirements to attend this school are very high.  According to Bob Larson, not everyone is suitable to become an exorcist.  Before you join the class you must have had a calling from God.  I wonder if a Godly text or Email would suffice.

            “God I don’t know what you want me to do with my life.”

            “I want you to be an exorcist and cast demons out of people’s bodies.”

            “Well, I was sort of leaning toward working at the local ice cream place for a while.  It doesn’t pay much but I do like ice cream and Cindy Walters works there which is an obvious perk to anyone who’s seen her.”

            “Sounds like a den of sin.  Go learn how to cast out demons.”

            “Hey, are you really God?”

            “No, I’m Cindy Walter’s boyfriend.”

            “Oh.”

            Once you’re approved the school’s training can take weeks and possibly months.  For all those who stick it out and graduate they get to experience a rather distinctive ceremony.  All graduating exorcists get a special cross that is engraved with words from the bible they use during an exorcism.  All exorcists are required to carry a bible, cross and holy water with them.  I’m sure it’s good to know that exorcists travel prepared to perform an exorcism at any time.

            “Get out of this man’s body Satan.”

            “Hey, buddy I told you we’re out of your favorite ice cream and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

            “I believe the devil inside you made this happen.”

            “Actually my stupid cousin who messed up ordering my product made this happen.”

            “Do you think he may be possessed by a demon?”

            “Naw, he’s just stupid.”

            “Oh.”

            It seems that battling demon possession can be quite lucrative.  According to a story done by a TV news station in San Diego exorcist guru Bob Larson receives over $100,000 a year in compensation from his church.  He is also compensated for travel expenses to the tune of $186,000.  He even got $24,000 from the church just for food.  Now here is a man who can really count his blessings.

Bob Larson is always quick to point out he doesn’t charge for their exorcism services but does take offerings.  I suppose if you or a loved one are given assistance in beating back the ravages of possession by one of Beelzebub’s minions you might become very generous.

 

Exorcism also seems to be a Larson family business.  Bob Larson’s daughter Brynne has been conducting exorcisms since she was 13 years old.  When she was younger Larson would return home and she’d ask him how many demons he found that day.  Now at age 16 she travels the world performing exorcisms.  I can only imagine what type of prom date she would make.

“Do you want to dance?”

“I think you’re possessed.”

“Does that mean you want to make out in the car rather than dance?”

“I’d rather perform an ancient ritual to exorcize demons from your body.”

“Whoa, sounds pretty kinky.  Okay, whatever, as long as we’re back before the dinner.”

According to Larson, you don’t have to be a young female to conduct an exorcism but it seems to help.  He says his female, teenage exorcists are very effective at casting out demons because they’re so sensitive and very pure.  I suppose that means Miley Cyrus will have to stick with being a performer and give up any hope she ever had of being an exorcist. 

            Bob Larson claims he has 100 teams of five to ten exorcists who are well trained and working all over the world.  Can you imagine seeing one of your classmates who did this at your reunion?

            “What do you do now?”

            “I’m an engineer at a NASA.  What are you doing?”

            “Oh, nothing really, I’m an exorcist who travels around the world casting out demons from people’s bodies.  No big deal.”

            “You know my mother-in-law acts pretty strange at times.”

            “Here’s my card.”

            I really have to wonder how Bob Larson gets away with this stuff.  If I had tried to teach my daughter to be an exorcist when she was a teenager I bet Child Youth Services would’ve had her in foster care before I could've said devil’s food cake.  It’s obvious that gullible people fill the ranks of the religious.  All I need say is Harold Camping, 18.3 million dollars in donations and the world is still here.  Is Bob Larson for real or just a performer?  No matter what the truth is I can honestly say that I believe (please don’t hate me for this) the devil makes him do it.

Here is a link to the story.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2024621/Meet-exorcist-schoolgirls-spend-time-casting-demons-worldwide.html

GLOBAL WARMING SPACE INVASION

The following is based on a story that was originally published by the UK newspaper, The Guardian.  It has since been proven to be false.  The writer of the aforementioned scientific paper stated via Twitter it was written only for fun and had nothing to do with his work at NASA.  The paper referenced being written for fun makes sense.  The column written below is also intended for fun.

            There are times when I see the news and believe some scientists are better at writing science fiction than telling us about science.  Shawn Domagal-Goldman is a member of NASA’s Planetary Science Division.  Like all scientists he likes to write papers that explain science.  Domagal-Goldman got together with some of his colleagues at Pennsylvania State University and wrote a paper about alien civilizations coming to destroy the earth because of global warming.  Unfortunately others took it serious enough to publish it.  When the UK Newspaper The Guardian got a copy of the paper they didn’t lets silly things like facts get in their way.  It’s obviously unimportant to these editors to get the truth.  Who needs the truths when you’ve got a sensational story?

I’m sure ETs somewhere saw the paper and were frustrated by us now being aware of their plans to destroy the planet.  I’m sure they’re all probably regular readers of The Guardian.

            “Gip Zok Zorp.”  (It looks like our plans to destroy the earth have been uncovered.)

            “Nip Sep Guj.”  (How could this be?  They seem too busy watching porn on the internet and sports on television to notice anything.)

            “Beh Tig Gek.”  (They have among them a scientist so brilliant he does not need facts or scientific data to know things.  Unfortunately, he is aware of our plans.  We must destroy the earthlings and their global warming before it’s too late.)

            “Sib Pov Duq.”  (We can’t destroy them until they make a sequel to ET.  You know how much the commander loved that movie.)

            “Rej Ing Qom.”  (You’re right, I forgot, my bad.)

            In this scientific paper they list some of the beneficial encounters with extraterrestrial intelligence (ETI).  They claim the ETI could cooperate with us and be of assistance to our intellectual and social challenges.  I know how people behave in such situations.  I could see them offer a solution to our social challenges and hear people complain.  They’d probably tell the ETI they should go back to their planet and leave ours alone.  They’re ETs and probably have no idea what it’s like to support a losing professional sports team or be unable to resist eating too many times at McDonalds.  I wonder if they could even understand what it’s like to have your favorite contestant get voted off Dancing with the Stars.  Unless they’re from this planet how could they appreciate such things?

            The next scenario mentioned in the paper is ones considered neutral to humanity.  They could see us and not be seen by us.  They could be impacting our planet covertly.  I think that may explain many things.  Could this be the reason socks disappear from the dryer?  Do these ETI have sock issues on their planet?  Maybe they’re the reason my friend gets so frustrated playing golf.  Is there some sadistic ETI out there making his golf ball slice into the woods and laugh upon seeing the shocked expression on his face?  I imagine they’re to blame for a lot of things.

            “Why did you not pick me up from the store?”

            “Sorry but I don’t feel responsible.  I’m sure there were evil ETI forces at work hindering my ability to remember things.”

            “What?”

            “Never mind.”

            Like any good scientific paper it also covers scenarios that would harm humanity.  The paper states ETI could attack and kill us, enslave us or potentially even eat us.  I know I get extremely sarcastic when I’m tired or hungry.  I don’t think that would go over well with my ET enslavers.

            “Glep Zap Dork” (Get to work you earthly scum.)

            “Aw, I’m tired and hungry.  I need a nap and a burger.”

            “Nag Gex Kuv” (You will get back to work or I will destroy you.)

            “Hey, that breath of yours is enough to destroy anyone.  If your civilization is so advanced why haven’t you invented things like breath mints?  Hey, if you ET types are so superior how come you don’t have stuff like underarm deodorant?  Are we enslaved on the planet of the stink wads or something?  Besides that if you’re so sophisticated you can enslave us you should also be advanced enough to deal with your hygiene issues.”

            “Uug Raz Pox” (I will kill you and eat you.)

            “Blah, blah, blah, why don’t you kiss my rump roast you smelly, nasty, disgusting ETI bonehead.  I got your enslavement right here.”

            Of course a laser beam would quickly be used to slice me up into little bits.  I’d then be served as an earthling pâté at some ET restaurant.  Unfortunately I don’t see it ending any other way.

            I don’t know if I believe The Guardian or the scientific paper written for fun by Shawn Domagal-Goldman.  Could this be a situation where ET activity is being experienced without anyone actually seeing the ETs at work?  I think the influence of ETs on journalists would explain many things we see in the media.  It would certainly explain the editors at The Guardian.  Maybe some day a scientist from NASA will write a paper about it.

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ROBERT “NOT SO” DARLING

            I will be the first to admit that back in my dating days I was not the most sought after eligible bachelor roaming the planet.  I will also confess that I struck out with more women than I succeeded during my dating career.  What probably made it possible for me to marry a great lady and have a long marriage was the fact I was in touch with reality.  I realized substance is more important than image and that mutual respect and consideration are priceless.  Besides that I’m sure she didn’t want me to super glue myself to her again. 

            When I was in the market for a wife I used the old traditional method of asking a woman out on date, spending time getting to know her then feeling I’d found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s an old method but one I found very effective.

Robert Darling of New York City has an entirely different approach to searching for a soulmate.  At 56 years old and unemployed Darling walks around New York City wearing a handmade sandwich board that advertises “I’m looking for a wealthy lady to be my wife.”

            Now Darling only goes to the best locations around New York City searching for a spouse.  The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Columbus Circle and Wall Street are the places where Robert Darling walks around hoping to meet a woman who can meet his high standards.  Now I’m sure you may think an army of financially successful women would descend upon a man wearing a sandwich board made out of paper with words written on it in magic marker.  You may think they’d all fight for the chance to be his bride, but that does not seem to be the case.  After doing this regularly for over10 years not one wealthy woman has shown an interest in him.  It just boggles the mind he’s not married and living in a Manhattan luxury condo.

            Darling may be unemployed now but at one time he worked in security at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point and the National Museum of the American Indian in Lower Manhattan.  (The following is sarcasm which is required by the subject matter of this story.)  Does this mean that wealthy women don’t like men in uniform?  Do they think that a man who protects Museums and Military Academies isn’t worthy of their affection and access to their bank account?  I hope while they sit in their ivory towers rolling around in vaults of cold cash they take time to think of the lowly unemployed security guard.  A poor soul who diligently walks around the streets of New York City wearing a handmade sandwich board pursuing his dream of marrying a wealthy woman for her money and to be taken to take care of by her.  Is that really too much to ask?

            Now I’m sure there are wealthy women who see this guy advertising for them and wonder what he has to offer.  First of all, he sort of has an education.  He actually studied political science at Rutgers University, Newark Campus.  Who needs a degree when you can make sandwich boards?  Now he claims he’d put down what he has to offer in a relationship on the sandwich board but claims it is hard to get all of that onto one of the boards.  Don’t you see it’s not his fault? He’s got sandwich board word limitations.  If it wasn’t for that he’d be able to provide priceless bits of information about him that would make any rich lady go wild.  He enjoys world history and ethnic cuisines.  If that’s not enough to get a wealthy girl's heart beating fast he’s also never been arrested. 

            Now if you think Robert Darling is a one dimensional suitor think again.  He doesn’t want his future wife to just have money.  She must also be smart and able to make him laugh.  In addition to that she must enjoy listening to the band Genesis.  After all Genesis is the band he listens to on the cassette player he carries with him while wearing the sandwich board.  It’s obvious he’s no slave to modern technology.  I wonder if he has a Tandy SX 1000 computer at home.

            Many women have taken their picture with him over the years.  He did have one person show a little interest.  It seems a girl wanted him to marry her friend so she could get a green card.  Unfortunately Robert Darling is a man with principles.  He told the woman he doesn’t wear a sandwich board all day to get someone a green card.  He wants a wealthy wife with at least $750,000 in the bank or nothing.  You do have to admire a man who refuses to compromise his standards. 

            Robert Darling has been carrying his handmade marriage proposal sandwich board for over 10 years, which makes me believe a wife is not what he’s really after.  An unemployed, middle-aged man doesn’t get much attention roaming the streets of New York City.  If this same man starts wearing a marriage proposal for wealthy women on sandwich board he gets noticed.  The Wall Street Journal and other media outlets have done stories on Robert Darling.  He may never get the wife he wants but he’s getting all the attention he may ever need.

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