The following is based on a story that was originally published by the UK newspaper, The Guardian. It has since been proven to be false. The writer of the aforementioned scientific paper stated via Twitter it was written only for fun and had nothing to do with his work at NASA. The paper referenced being written for fun makes sense. The column written below is also intended for fun.
There are times when I see the news and believe some scientists are better at writing science fiction than telling us about science. Shawn Domagal-Goldman is a member of NASA’s Planetary Science Division. Like all scientists he likes to write papers that explain science. Domagal-Goldman got together with some of his colleagues at Pennsylvania State University and wrote a paper about alien civilizations coming to destroy the earth because of global warming. Unfortunately others took it serious enough to publish it. When the UK Newspaper The Guardian got a copy of the paper they didn’t lets silly things like facts get in their way. It’s obviously unimportant to these editors to get the truth. Who needs the truths when you’ve got a sensational story?
I’m sure ETs somewhere saw the paper and were frustrated by us now being aware of their plans to destroy the planet. I’m sure they’re all probably regular readers of The Guardian.
“Gip Zok Zorp.” (It looks like our plans to destroy the earth have been uncovered.)
“Nip Sep Guj.” (How could this be? They seem too busy watching porn on the internet and sports on television to notice anything.)
“Beh Tig Gek.” (They have among them a scientist so brilliant he does not need facts or scientific data to know things. Unfortunately, he is aware of our plans. We must destroy the earthlings and their global warming before it’s too late.)
“Sib Pov Duq.” (We can’t destroy them until they make a sequel to ET. You know how much the commander loved that movie.)
“Rej Ing Qom.” (You’re right, I forgot, my bad.)
In this scientific paper they list some of the beneficial encounters with extraterrestrial intelligence (ETI). They claim the ETI could cooperate with us and be of assistance to our intellectual and social challenges. I know how people behave in such situations. I could see them offer a solution to our social challenges and hear people complain. They’d probably tell the ETI they should go back to their planet and leave ours alone. They’re ETs and probably have no idea what it’s like to support a losing professional sports team or be unable to resist eating too many times at McDonalds. I wonder if they could even understand what it’s like to have your favorite contestant get voted off Dancing with the Stars. Unless they’re from this planet how could they appreciate such things?
The next scenario mentioned in the paper is ones considered neutral to humanity. They could see us and not be seen by us. They could be impacting our planet covertly. I think that may explain many things. Could this be the reason socks disappear from the dryer? Do these ETI have sock issues on their planet? Maybe they’re the reason my friend gets so frustrated playing golf. Is there some sadistic ETI out there making his golf ball slice into the woods and laugh upon seeing the shocked expression on his face? I imagine they’re to blame for a lot of things.
“Why did you not pick me up from the store?”
“Sorry but I don’t feel responsible. I’m sure there were evil ETI forces at work hindering my ability to remember things.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
Like any good scientific paper it also covers scenarios that would harm humanity. The paper states ETI could attack and kill us, enslave us or potentially even eat us. I know I get extremely sarcastic when I’m tired or hungry. I don’t think that would go over well with my ET enslavers.
“Glep Zap Dork” (Get to work you earthly scum.)
“Aw, I’m tired and hungry. I need a nap and a burger.”
“Nag Gex Kuv” (You will get back to work or I will destroy you.)
“Hey, that breath of yours is enough to destroy anyone. If your civilization is so advanced why haven’t you invented things like breath mints? Hey, if you ET types are so superior how come you don’t have stuff like underarm deodorant? Are we enslaved on the planet of the stink wads or something? Besides that if you’re so sophisticated you can enslave us you should also be advanced enough to deal with your hygiene issues.”
“Uug Raz Pox” (I will kill you and eat you.)
“Blah, blah, blah, why don’t you kiss my rump roast you smelly, nasty, disgusting ETI bonehead. I got your enslavement right here.”
Of course a laser beam would quickly be used to slice me up into little bits. I’d then be served as an earthling pâté at some ET restaurant. Unfortunately I don’t see it ending any other way.
I don’t know if I believe The Guardian or the scientific paper written for fun by Shawn Domagal-Goldman. Could this be a situation where ET activity is being experienced without anyone actually seeing the ETs at work? I think the influence of ETs on journalists would explain many things we see in the media. It would certainly explain the editors at The Guardian. Maybe some day a scientist from NASA will write a paper about it.
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