CHINA JOBS THAT MIGHT NOT WORK IN AMERICA

            I must say the way the Chinese people look at the world and the way we Americans look it is a bit different.  America has been around for a few hundred years and China has been around for a few thousand.  At times it’s probably like a young kid doing new things that an older person finds interesting.  The older person tries to imitate the idea in their way but it just isn’t the same.

            One of the unique occupations in China is standing in  line for people.  I think that’s a great idea.  How many times have you gotten sick and tired of waiting for a restaurant or sports tickets and wish you didn’t have to put up with the woman in front of you holding a screaming child or the person behind you obviously training for the US Olympic disgusting team freestyle division?  In China you just pay someone $3.00 an hour to stand in line for you while you’re having drinks.  After enjoying yourself you get a call telling you it’s your turn.  Unfortunately such a thing just might not work in our country.  The unions would get involved and then you’d have to pay union wage and provide a benefits package.  If you couldn’t pay they’d picket your house and prevent you from going into your home while chanting things like “It’s no crime to be properly compensated to stand in line” or how about “Since you got, all the wealth, go stand in line, by yourself.”  I bet it won’t work in China either when they get unions there.

            At one time spitting in China was considered a national past time.  It was a favorite activity among people talking about the United States.

            “Those Yankee imperialist dogs think we invented fortune cookies.  Are they nuts?  Ptewey.”

            “Next thing they’ll think we invented moo goo gai pan.  Ptewey.”

            “We did invent moo goo gai pan.  They just injected a lot of grease and fat into their version so Americans will eat it. Ptewey.”

            “Didn’t we invent spitting? Ptewey?”

            “If not I bet people believe we did. Ptewey, Ptewey, Ptewey.”

            Along comes the Beijing Olympics and the Chinese government realizes as skilled as most Chinese are at spitting most people from other countries find it a bit gross.  In order to get their citizens to change their spitting habits the government created the position of “Spit Monitor.”

            Armed with ticket pads Spit Monitors would roam public parks and city streets.  When someone was caught spitting the Spit Monitor would leap into action and issue them a ticket for $2.50.  Of course this didn’t go over well at first.

            “Hey, I saw you spitting.  Here’s your ticket.”

            “Wasn’t me man, I don’t spit, never have, you’re mistaken, don’t even have saliva glands, so couldn’t be me.  Maybe you’re the one who spit.  Maybe you should give yourself a ticket.  Ever think of that?  You government types spit also.  I’ve seen you.”

            So the Chinese government in an effort to avoid the chaos of traffic court actually created a Spit Van.  Spit monitors would drive around and park an unmarked van and video tape people spitting.  When someone was discovered engaging in the act the monitor would emerge from the van and issue a ticket.  If the alleged spitting culprit complained they were the brought back to the van and shown a video recording of their expectorating and given a ticket.

The only way this could work in the United States would be as a reality show.

“You’ve seen Cops, Bait Car and Bounty Hunter but now feel the thrill and excitement experienced every day in the lives of Spit Monitors.”

In the United States we have quite a few situations where we don’t have access to a modern toilet.  With the exception of the occasional camping, backpacking or any situation where you’re in the woods I can’t think of a time when you can’t use a modern toilet.  In China things are a bit different.  They don’t need porta potties as many prefer to utilize an outhouse.  Now the Chinese government sensing a chance to put capitalism to work collects the human waste located in such places and uses it as fertilizer to the tune of 3.3 billion tons a year.  

            There are actually people in China whose profession is to collect such matter for use in the fertilizer market.  I guess things are tough all over because in one city they had over 2,500 people apply for 10 positions.  Many of the people were actually recent college graduates.  (Please forgive me for the following if you can.)  What a crappy job.  Talk about a job that really stinks.  You really have to put up with a lot of crap with that position.  It may be just a bunch of crap to you but it’s their bread and butter.  Whoever said those people don’t know crap have no idea what they for a living.  (Okay, I’ll stop). 

            Yes there are many differences between the Chinese culture and our own.  They have traditions that have gone on for thousands of years.  We have traditions of inventing machines to do whatever it is we don’t want to do.  We can admire their ancient culture and they can admire our technology but we both realize there are probably many things that just won’t work for us both.

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THE PRICE OF BEING A GOOD SAMARITAN

            Like many places in southern California certain intersections routinely get clogged with cars.  As someone who lived in southern California for eight years I can honestly say when the residents there come upon a traffic light that doesn’t work many different things go through many different minds.

            “Whoa no more traffic lights let’s go.”

            “I can’t go if the light doesn’t work.  I would go if the light worked but it doesn’t work so how am I responsible for not going through the intersection.”

            “Quien rompió el semáforo?

            “Oh great, a perfect situation to use my car’s horn.”

            “Why is the light out and what does that mean in my life’s here and now?”

            “Tell my agent I’m going to wait here until the media arrives.  I may bet getting some free publicity today for our movie.”

            Some people will inch out into the intersection and others will all try and go at the same time.  This usually results in lots of cars getting stuck in the intersection, nobody going anywhere and people yelling obscenities out of their windows while beeping their car horns.  Traffic quickly backs up and chaos is fast approaching.  Sometimes in southern California this can happen even if the traffic light is working.

            Alan Ehrlich is a resident of South Pasadena.  He noticed a particular traffic light in South Pasadena goes out on a regular basis.  This can turn a 20 minute commute into a few hour journey.  A non-working traffic light can cause people to engage in erratic behavior such as turning around in the middle of the road or trying to take a side street by driving over someone’s lawn.  Ehrlich had seen this light out before but had never seen a police officer around to direct traffic.  As a responsible person with a level of dedication to his neighborhood and neighbors that is admirable he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Inside his car Ehrlich had some orange safety flags.  Armed with safety flags he emerged from his vehicle and began directing traffic.  Without him traffic took an average of 30 minutes to get through the intersection.  With Ehrlich moving cars along with his orange safety flags a traffic jam that stretched for miles was cleared up in 10 minutes.  In no time at all the situation was under control and a regular citizen was responsible for traffic flowing smoothly.  The fellow commuters were happy, Ehrlich was happy and the makers of orange safety flags felt they may have found their next spokesperson.

It seemed all was well in the traffic world of Southern Pasadena with one big exception.  The police chief was not happy.  To be quite honest he was very unhappy.  South Pasadena Police Chief Joe Payne said when they received a call about their newest traffic officer they went into action.  A policeman was dispatched to the intersection where Ehrlich was happily directing traffic for cheerful commuters and gave him a ticket.  After the officer issued the ticket he departed leaving traffic to once again back up.  Huh? (The following is sarcasm in case a policeman from South Pasadena feels the need to write a ticket.)  That makes perfect sense because the last thing you want is to have a situation where people in cars can easily get to and from their destinations.  It’s as if these people have no respect for the value of gridlock.

Now South Pasadena Police Chief said he doesn’t have the man power needed to staff officers at that particular intersection.  He also feels it is safer to allow traffic to back up.  (More sarcasm).  I’m sure it’s good for the residents of South Pasadena to know their police department doesn’t have the staff to direct traffic at an intersection that is backed up for miles during rush hour, but does have sufficient manpower for an officer to go out to the intersection and issue a ticket to someone directing traffic at no cost to the taxpayers.  What an effective use of resources.

Does the South Pasadena Police Chief not comprehend the concept of encouraging good citizenship?  He could’ve said “Thanks concerned citizen for your efforts, but because there are lawyers who make an extremely good living by suing the police we think this is a bad idea.  Sorry.”

Instead Ehrlich probably heard “Hey, you, yeah you, with orange safety flags making traffic flow smooth at rush hour, are you nuts?  We can’t have a rush hour without things being backed up for miles.  Here’s a ticket and if you try and be a good citizen again we’ll lock you up.”

Ehrlich plans to address the matter at an upcoming meeting of the city council.

To say the least this was handled poorly.  Ehrlich should not have gotten a ticket.  The police department should have thanked him for his efforts.  Unfortunately his good intentions were met by police who seemed to feel Ehrlich was out of line.  I don’t think the South Pasadena Police Department needs more officers to keep their rush hour traffic running smoothly.  They just need to have more people around like Alan Ehrlich.

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