This was designed to dismiss the hurtful intent of words some jerk was saying to you. Times have really changed. Unfortunately, that was then and this is now. Today, the modern version of that saying has evolved into “Stick and stones will break my bones, but if you offend me, I'll file a lawsuit against you.”
It now takes absolutely no effort to offend people. You can simply walk down the street and offend at least a dozen people. The shop owner will be offended you walked past their store and didn't go in to buy something. If you see a member of the opposite sex and smile, you've offended them. If you whistle a tune you like, someone is going to be offended. If say you love having a pet cat, dog owners will be offended. If you prefer to wear glasses, people who wear contacts will be offended. If you do nothing, people will be offended, because you didn't think enough of them to do something they find offensive.
Instead of letting the frustration from this ridiculous behavior upset me, I've chosen to embrace it. The act of being offended at anything and everything has been very successful for many people. I hoped to make it a valuable part of my life. I thought I'd start with my wife.
“What do you mean you're offended I won't watch sports with you? I never watch sports, because I don't like sports.”
The look my wife's face showed her frustration. On some level, I knew she had to be put in her place. I pointed at my wife and spoke with conviction.
“That's because you're a sportsaphobe.”
“I'm what?”
“There's no denying it. You're a sportsaphobe. You have this deep seething hatred for all things connected to sports. You hid it well when we were first married. Now the real you is coming out. How can you be such a hater?”
“What are you talking about? I never watched sports with you, even when we were dating. When you got tickets to sporting events, I only went with you because you'd always beg me to go.”
“Tell me, what have sports ever done to you? Sports can't help but be sports. It's not like sports will change to suit you. Why can't you just have an open mind and accept sports as they are played? In the long run, you’re only hurting yourself by hating sports.”
I was shocked at the words that came from my wife. I suppose I could expect nothing less from a sportsaphobe.
Later in the day, my neighbor complained to me how my hedges had grown onto his property.
“I bet you're only saying this because you're an anti-hedgeite”
“What?”
“You heard me. You're an anti-hedgeite. I bet you're not too crazy about shrubs either. Go on and admit it, you only hate them because they're hedges.”
“I just don't want them growing onto my property.”
“Oh, I see, your property is too good to have hedges seen on it. Is that what is happening here? You're okay with hedges until they are seen on your property.”
“Keep your hedges from growing onto my yard.”
“Sure, and maybe me and some other hedge rights defenders will pay you a visit. You're not going to like it when hundreds of us are protesting in front of your home. The world will know that this is the home of an anti-hedgeite.”
I must admit it, my neighbor said some pretty interesting expletives before he went back into his house. I was enjoying being offended. It gave me purpose and a feeling of power. When I was driving later in the day, a policeman pulled me over for speeding.
“I hope you realize officer I have a genetic predisposition to speeding. This is not my fault. It's not like I have a choice when it comes to speeding.”
The officer was stone-faced as he handed me my driver's license, insurance card, and a speeding ticket.
“How can you do this? It's not my fault. My DNA is programmed to drive over speed limits” I said.
The policeman smiled.
“I know what you mean. I have a genetic predisposition to writing traffic citations to people who break the law. It's not my fault. My DNA is programmed that way. Try and understand, I can't help myself.”
This wasn't fair. I never knew DNA programming could cost you money.
Later in the day, my plan fell completely apart. My wife said I was craftaphobe since I didn't watch craft programs with her on Public Television. After she started yelling craftaphobe, every time I yelled sportsaphobe, I surrendered. Later in the day, I got a call from my neighbor. He said there were no daylilies on my property. If I didn't trim my hedges away from his property, he was going to organize a protest in front of my yard for daylily rights defenders. I trimmed back the hedges.
I learned when other people discover they can also be offended, it actually puts you on the defensive.
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