I bet that many Al-Qaeda terrorists are probably just regular people. If it wasn’t for the fact they spend their day figuring out new and different ways to kill citizens of foreign countries and planning events to slaughter innocent people, I’m sure they’d never get noticed. The actual murdering of individuals is probably similar to a holiday for them. They spend so much time and energy planning for something that is over so quickly. It appears that many members of the terrorist community feel they’re an underserved demographic. To show terrorists are a viable market for business a new English-language online magazine was created to meet their special needs.
Recently a key article featured in this terrorist targeted magazine was a recipe showing how to make a lethal pipe bomb using sugar, match heads and a miniature light bulb attached to a timer. Obviously the type of article filled with valuable information for both the experienced and aspiring terrorist. The only problem is that British intelligence was able to hack into that particular web page. The pipe bomb recipe was then replaced with recipes for “The Best Cupcakes in America” published by the Ellen DeGeneres chat show. I can only imagine the confusion this caused all terrorists who read the article.
“Aazim, what is wrong with our bombs?”
“I don’t know Mufti. They don’t blow up but they smell very good.”
“This is truly a problem.”
“I know what you are saying. I must confess that I ate the first two bombs.”
“What happened to the rest of them?”
“When I put them out people stopped by and took one before I could bury them.”
“Such infidels will die for eating our bombs and causing us such embarrassment.”
“I think I’ll try a different frosting next time.”
The recipes included one for the Mojito Cupcake which is made of white rum cake and draped in vanilla butter cream. Take one of those cupcakes combined with some coffee and those terrorists would be too wired to do much. I can just imagine them buzzing around after a few Mojito Cupcakes.
“Will you hold still? I can get the bomb vest on you.”
“Too much coffee, too many cupcakes gotta keep moving.”
“If you don’t slow down I’m going to have the camel sit on you.”
“Forget the camel I can easily run to the land of the infidels to let them feel Allah’s wrath.”
What could the title of such a magazine be? “Terrorism Illustrated” maybe “Jihad Digest” or how about “Murdering Infidels for Fun and Profit.” The magazine was in color and 67 pages long. Some of the articles removed by British Intelligence were by Osama bin Laden. What kind of article did he write? “How to have fun being on the run in Pakistan,” “The benefits of living in a compound,” “The joys of being a murderous psychopath?” If those articles didn’t grab someone in love with murder and mayhem they also provided a piece by Ayman al-Zawahiri called “What to expect in Jihad.” I can only imagine the valued bits of info no terrorist could do without.
The magazine in produced by Samir Khan from North Carolina and the radical imam Anwar al-Awlaki who is believed to be the inspiration behind the Ft. Hood shootings and the attempted Christmas Day bombing by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. If there’s anyone who can speak the terrorist lingo it’s probably this dynamic duo. I can only imagine what an editorial meeting would be like at this publication.
“What have you got for me people? Remember we’ve got 67 pages to fill.”
“How about we do an article on the newest line of bomb vests that are designed to be gender neutral?”
“Beautiful, what else we got?”
“I would like to do an article on the advancements in exploding underwear. We’ve got to do something to get confidence back in the fruit a la boom brand. (Please forgive me I know that was bad).
“Anybody have anything else?”
“I think we should do a story on the ten best ways to hurt the feelings of an infidel. Things like telling them with their face they’ll never get on a reality show.”
“Hummm, that idea needs a bit of work but I believe it can be developed. I think our next issue will be the best one yet.”
If you have a magazine you’ve got to notify the market it’s available. I can only imagine how they tried to market this periodical. Did they offer something like for every subscription you’re put into a drawing for a life supply of bomb making equipment? Did they tried to get people to buy their special edition covering the life and times of Osama bin Laden complete with interviews of all his wives and the fellow terrorists who knew him best? How about if you purchased a subscription right away they’d give you plastic body parts representing a blown-up infidel?
A US government official is quoted as saying “the packaging of this magazine may be slick, but the contents are as vile as the authors.” It’s interesting that evil beings are using any way possible to find other evil beings to promote their agenda. I can only hope that such weak minded individuals accidently download a copy of Stars & Stripes.
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