It is time for the second RMN Flaming Idiot Award. This is an award given to individuals who have distinguished themselves with behavior that demonstrates an IQ with a decimal point in the front. The type of individual who might have a family tree that doesn’t fork and only possess one set of DNA. As we all know these people are everywhere and especially in positions of power.
The second RMN Flaming Idiot Award goes to (drum roll please) the school board and school administration of Spotsylvania High School located in Spotsylvania, Virginia. It appears that a fourteen-year-old student there named Andrew Mikel II was caught blowing soft plastic pellets through an empty pen at his classmates. How did the school react? Did he get suspended? Did he have to apologize to his classmates for what did? No, just guess what these dim-witted derelicts of intense idiocy decided? They expelled poor Andrew Mikel II from school for the rest of the year, filed assault charges on him with the sheriff’s department, mandated he take “substance-abuse counseling’ and “anger-management” counseling. Can you say overreaction? Can you say ridiculous? Can you say just plain stupid?
They classified the spit wad contraption as a weapon. This makes perfect sense because hospitals are just filled with victims of a spit wad attacks. Drug gangs are abandoning their firearms in droves for a spit wad weapon. Drive-by spit wad attacks are spreading throughout our country. Is there anything more terrifying than being held up by a crazed spit wad wielding criminal? I’m sure with all this they felt compelled to make a stand.
(NOTE: If any members of the Spotsylvania school board or school administration are reading this the previous paragraph was something called sarcasm.)
The second RMN Flaming Idiot Award goes to (drum roll please) the school board and school administration of Spotsylvania High School located in Spotsylvania, Virginia. It appears that a fourteen-year-old student there named Andrew Mikel II was caught blowing soft plastic pellets through an empty pen at his classmates. How did the school react? Did he get suspended? Did he have to apologize to his classmates for what did? No, just guess what these dim-witted derelicts of intense idiocy decided? They expelled poor Andrew Mikel II from school for the rest of the year, filed assault charges on him with the sheriff’s department, mandated he take “substance-abuse counseling’ and “anger-management” counseling. Can you say overreaction? Can you say ridiculous? Can you say just plain stupid?
They classified the spit wad contraption as a weapon. This makes perfect sense because hospitals are just filled with victims of a spit wad attacks. Drug gangs are abandoning their firearms in droves for a spit wad weapon. Drive-by spit wad attacks are spreading throughout our country. Is there anything more terrifying than being held up by a crazed spit wad wielding criminal? I’m sure with all this they felt compelled to make a stand.
(NOTE: If any members of the Spotsylvania school board or school administration are reading this the previous paragraph was something called sarcasm.)
I think the requirement for him to take substance-abuse counseling makes a statement this school board and school administration must use toilet paper to clean their hair. It makes sense that if you shoot spit wads you’re just the same as a substance abuser.
“Man, I’m on a twelve step program for spit wad addicts and it’s going good.”
“What have you learned?”
“It’s launching the first spit wad that gets you. After that it’s all down hill. Spit wad pushers are everywhere. I couldn’t resist Colombian spit wads no matter how hard I tried.”
“You’re not alone.”
Why the anger management? How does spit balling a few classmates constitute taking an anger management class?
“Why are here?”
“I took a hammer and beat my wife bad enough to put her in the hospital.”
“You were under stress it happens.”
“What did you do?”
“I got angry at my boss and beat him with a lead pipe.”
“He was probably putting unreasonable expectations on you. You can do better next time.”
“Why are you taking this class?”
“I launched a spitball at a few people during class.”
“How could you? You should be ashamed. Do you realize without intervention you could spend a lifetime using spit balls against anyone who upsets you?”
I do come at this subject with some experience. When I was in 9th grade I actually got in trouble for shooting spit balls at a fellow classmate named Dave. It was after lunch; we each had a straw, access to paper and were bored. I shot a spitball to the back of his head. Dave returned fire and got a spitball on my glasses. We each chuckled. Each time one of us hit the other we laughed. What gave us away was when the teacher came over and noticed we were covered in spit balls. We had to go down to see the principal. He rolled his eyes upon seeing two kids covered with spitballs in his office. We were given a stern warning that if this ever happened again we would get suspended. It actually did happen again but that time we didn’t get caught.
Unfortunately Andrew Mikel II lost a court challenge to the school’s decision. Spotsylvania Circuit Judge Joseph J. Ellis did not find the school board exceeded its authority, acted arbitrarily or capriciously or abused its discretion. He was unable to rule on the fact the school board and school administrators all seem to be poster children for the terminally obtuse.
The school board attorney Jennifer Parrish said the section of the student handbook covering violent criminal conduct applied because three girls were struck by the balls, which constituted battering which, is covered by that section. Huh? Is there a woman’s shelter for spit ball abused females I don’t know about? Maybe there should be crisis counselors for victims of spit ball crimes. Maybe local law enforcement could create a special spit ball prevention task force to address the problem. If you ever wonder why there are so many jokes about attorneys wonder no more.
My heart goes out to fourteen-year-old Andrew Mikel II and his family. The punishment does not fit the crime. Part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them. I hope the school board and the school administration of Spotsylvania, VA some day come to understand that doing something foolish as a kid should be treated as a stupid mistake and not a criminal offense.
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