In an effort to meet our country’s energy demands and help us find a safe and clean alternative to fossil fuels researchers at Ohio University have come with a new and unique energy source. It’s called human urine. That’s right fellow energy consumers, someday we may all be lucky enough to enjoy the many benefits associated with “Pee Power.”
According to the OU researchers, urine may be nearly 99 percent water but there is an impressive amount of hydrogen remaining in that last one percent. That hydrogen comes from an organic compound called urea. Who knew that someday rather than experience stress while filling up our gas tank we’ll be able to just tap into our kidneys.
To put things in perspective the OU scientific aces state that if you could collect the urine from all 24,000 students at Ohio University you could power 60 buildings every day. I’m sure there would be some new rules for students and faculty at any university trying to power their buildings with urine. I can just see administrators explaining the schools new policies to the student body.
“We have now instituted a new program this school year to utilize the new yellow (couldn’t resist) energy source. We call it “Pee So We Can Be Fossil Fuel Free.” This year male students will not be permitted to write their names in the snow or do any artwork. Fraternities are forbidden from making pledges write the Gettysburg address or plays from Shakespeare in the snow or on a dry sidewalk. Don’t forget we have buildings we need to heat. With the help of the students and faculty, we should be able to harvest enough urine to power all the buildings on campus and maybe even some buildings off campus. So far the response to this new program has been overwhelming. Students are volunteering by droves to turn beer into fuel. We all hope this is just the beginning of our energy independence.”
I’d like to ask these OU researchers if all urine is created equal. I mean, since we have different grades of gasoline will there be such a thing as high octane urine? If so, what would be in the high octane that isn’t in the regular? Can you imagine the advertisements for something like this?
“Is your car not performing right? Is it unresponsive when going uphill? Think it could be your fuel? Try our new High Octane Pee Supreme. A special blend of urine made from people who drank alcohol for hours before passing out. When our special urine formula is used in combination with the urine from drunks it produces a fuel that is hard to beat. So remember, don’t let your car’s performance make you scream. Just fill up your tank with High Octane Pee Supreme.”
I’m sure such a new industry will create many new and high paying jobs.
“I’ve looked over your application and have a few questions. How long have you been peeing?”
“Well, pretty much all of my life. I’ve been told I really have a gift for it. I think I have what it takes to be a professional.”
The interviewer throws the application down on his desk as disgust shows on his face.
“I hope you don’t think work around here is just as easy as giving a sample to your doctor. We demand results. It’s not for everybody. I’ve seen people come in here who thought they had what it takes only to find out their kidneys couldn’t handle the demands we put on them. Some people develop stream issues. We have goals that must be met. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir. I’ll do whatever it takes. All I’ve ever wanted my whole life is to pee for a living. If I were to be hired by this company it would be a dream come true.”
“That’s the spirit. I like your attitude.”
“Thank you.”
I can only imagine in time the pee industry would become quite successful and piss people off (sorry, couldn’t resist). They would make obscene profits and eventually become the object of governmental investigations.
“Senator, I promise you we only charge what we have to for our product. We have a lot of expenses. There are the beer, coffee and other liquids we must provide. Our pee extraction process is quite expensive. Our profits are often diminished by our need to constantly research and develop new types of urine.”
“As CEO of Wee Wee Industries do you sit there and expect me to believe urine futures would bring such obnoxious profits without you artificially keeping the price high?”
“Ah, yes, paying for the reelection of congressmen and senators, as you well know, is very expensive. Why, you senator have taken our donations, gone on trips we’ve provided for you and your family. Remember down in your home state there was that girl named Bulea Mae?”
The senator pounds his gavel.
“I declare these proceedings complete. Now, why don’t you nice fellas’ just go out and sell some pee.”
If we ever get off of fossil fuels I predict the more things change; the more they’ll stay the same.
Here is a link to the story.
https://www.ohio.edu/research/communications/e3.cfm
Here is a link to the story.
https://www.ohio.edu/research/communications/e3.cfm
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