INFORMATIONLESS STUDIES

            Sometimes I believe that performing studies must be one of the best jobs in the world.  You get paid to spend your days gathering a lot of useless information using suspect means.  The media will then take your study and use in their stories as a way to prove things that nobody with functioning brain cells would ever believe.  Once this is done any politician looking to be reelected will use your study to pass legislation and make it a corner stone of their campaign.

In the world of people who believe in studies I guess it shouldn’t matter if the elastic waistband industry has paid for a study that demonstrates the huge importance of their product.  Who could possibly believe money would have any influence on a scientific report showing the many positive health benefits of elastic waist bands?  If waistband safety was a political issue politicians would refer to the research analysis in every debate.  Probably wouldn’t matter to anyone the study consisted of asking some people via Email if they liked elastic waistbands and what free gift certificate for a local restaurant they wanted for taking the survey.

In today’s society many single people don’t seem to believe in fate.  These are people who try to eliminate the chance of not finding someone who they feel is perfect for them.  Many of these singles will read studies and evaluate such information as if it actually has some sort of validity.  I guess it’s easier than thinking for yourself.

            A dating service called okCupid recently posted a series of charts based on data obtained from the people who use their service.  It showed that people who use Twitter every day have shorter relationships than others.  To me the reason for this is simple.  If you’re used to holding a conversation that only contains 140 characters how interesting could your conversations possibly be?  Maybe it’s me but with that type of limitation I couldn’t even begin explain why I’m worried about my favorite sports team not making it to the playoffs.  That’s not even enough space for important things like properly complaining about your boss or trying to talk someone into making a beer run. 

            I’ve never been to the Netherlands but people at the Radboud University of Nijmegan located there did two studies to find out why mixed-sex interactions temporarily cause men to experience a decline in cognitive functioning.  Now I know science is believed to always be trying for new discoveries that will benefit society but who can’t figure this one out?  Men are always thinking about sex.  It’s how men were designed.  How else would strip clubs and porn make any money?

            In one study 40 male participants tended to perform worse on a cognitive task following the mixed-sex interaction.  In the second study 53 men and 58 women participated and the men really sucked when it came to very cognitively demanding tasks after mixed-sex interaction.  What the study doesn’t tell you is what the women were wearing.  If they were wearing a Burka men would’ve probably been able to pay attention better to what they were doing than if they were interacting with good looking women wearing bikinis.  Any man who has gone swimming at a pool near a college understands the struggle involved with maintaining focus on anything such as walking.

            Now there is also a study by the University of Geneva in Switzerland that suggests how attractive a guy is can be determined by the ratio of length between his right index and ring fingers.  Now the researches from this study will tell you the so called 2D:4D ratio is important because it is driven by the sex hormone testosterone. 

I hope someone tells these researchers that women will probably look at other things on a man than his fingers to determine his attractiveness.  I think there are some Swiss researchers who desperately need a vacation in a warm climate.

            “I know you’ve just been voted the most attractive man in the universe based on your looks and charm but we can’t give you this award.”

            “Why?”

            “Just look at your index and ring fingers.  Your 2D:4D ratio designates you as quite ugly so we’re sorry.”

            “I have another finger I’d like you to check out right now that puts my feelings about your ratio into perspective.”

            “Oh.”

            Now the research at the University of Edinburgh says they have a study that shows people who watch romantic comedies were more likely to believe in predestined love than those who preferred other genres of movies.  How did they conduct this study?  They played romantic comedies for 100 student volunteers while another 100 watched a David Lynch drama and when the movies were over the participants filled out a questionnaire.

            (WARNING the following is sarcasm intended to point out how the previous study mentioned was absolutely ridicules)

            Boy does this stupid research provide valuable information.  Since they’re so good at this why don’t they have a study where people watch Batman movies and see if participants are more likely to have an unrealistic view of fighting crime?  How about if we have people watch Halloween movies and see if those people have a warped concept on the proper use of a goalie’s mask.  How about if we hand out a questionnaire and see if people think this is one of the most stupid studies ever done?

            It is time people started to challenge all studies and how they’re conducted.  It’s painfully obvious that scientists and researchers think we are all really idiotic and will believe anything they tell us.  As a wise man once told me “Just because they say it’s so, don’t make it so, it’s gotta make sense.”

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