There have been times when my behavior has caused people to think I’m a little off at times. Sure, I like to put ketchup on things most people wouldn’t dream of covering with such a condiment but in that regard I consider myself a trend setter. I do like to have things a certain way on my desk and my wife has taken obscene pleasure in moving the stuff around just to laugh as I put things back in their place. I suppose I’m a bit quirky in that way but I do consider myself fortunate. There are people who have real problems that make me seem quite normal.
Alien Hand Syndrome is also referred to as the Dr. Strangelove Syndrome. A person who with this condition has a hand that takes on a life of its own and acts independently of what it’s told to do. I’m certain this is a horrible thing to suffer with but imagine if you could get a doctor to say you had this syndrome when you really didn’t. Life could get interesting.
“Why am I under arrest?”
“You punched one person and made an obscene gesture to another.”
“Oh, it wasn’t me, it was my right hand. I have Alien Hand Syndrome. I’m not responsible for what my right hand does. Here’s a note from my doctor.”
“Unless you’re willing to cut it off the whole body goes to jail.”
“Oh, I apologize for my right hand giving you that obscene gesture just now. You have no idea what it’s like to live with this naughty right hand.”
“Let’s go.”
Another syndrome I’m glad not to have is Cotard’s Syndrome. This is when a person believes they’re actually dead despite people around them saying they’re really alive. I’m sure this would be sort of neat around Halloween or if you have a part in a play as a zombie. Other than that I’m sure it’d be very frustrating to have a friend or relative with this problem.
“Why aren’t you paying your restaurant bill?”
“Because I’m dead and I want to ask why you don’t offer a dead person’s discount? I’m tired of all the prejudice and ignorance directed at the dead community. I bet your business would increase if you had specific menu items for dead people.”
“If you’re so dead why did you eat so much?”
“I didn’t eat anything. Since I’m dead it probably went through me and fell right onto the floor. Why should I pay for food that simply traveled through my dead body?”
“If you don’t pay I’m calling the police.”
“You living never have any respect for the dead.”
Of course another syndrome horrible to have would be Capgras Delusion. This is the belief that an acquaintance or even a close loved one is actually an identical-looking imposter.
“You’re not my husband. You’re an imposter.”
“Hey, we’ve been married for 28 years. What do you mean I’m not your husband?”
“My husband would clean the house, pay the bills, do the lawn work and then take me out to a nice place to eat dinner after we went shopping.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m not your husband. Good luck on finding that guy he seems like a great person.”
Alice in Wonderland Syndrome is a condition where people believe they have distorted body proportions even when it’s proven to them their body is of normal size. Suffers see the world as normal one second and the next they feel the objects around them are either much larger or smaller.
“I’m telling you I don’t suffer from Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.”
“I only suggested that because you never stop talking about how great you are at work. People say your head always swells up.”
“Maybe you suffer from green with envy syndrome.”
“Can’t hear you you’re heads too big again.”
Then there is something called Apotemnophilia. This is a condition where people wish to amputate perfectly-healthy limps. How would anyone see a benefit to this? If seeing a person with a prosthetic leg or in a wheel chair makes you envious you’ve really got problems.
“I want to cut off my right leg.”
“Why?”
“I just saw a rerun of the six million dollar man and I think it’d be cool to have a bionic leg.”
“How about I cut out your brain instead and see if there’s a bionic one you could have installed?”
“Cool.”
People who suffer from something called Riley-Day Syndrome are unable to feel pain. That would be really great if you were in a brawl and no matter how many times you got hit you could just laugh at your attacker. The downside would be when you got to the hospital, couldn’t tell the doctor where it hurt and had your severed ear in your back pocket.
I know it’s wrong to poke fun at people who are suffering. I only do it because I’m sure I’ve got some type of mocking syndrome I’m suffering from. If you think someone you love is a bit odd be thankful if they can feel pain, don’t think they’re dead, are in control of their hands, don’t think you’re an imposter, has never seen stuff around them increase or decrease dramatically in size or want to cut off a limb. You can thank me later for making your day.
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