Nazis Tried to Teach Dogs To Read, Write and more. A Real Story

            There is a new book out titled “Amazing Dogs: A Cabinet of Canine Curiosities.”  This book details the attempt by Nazi specialists during World War II to train a group of “intelligent” dogs to read, write and speak.  I guess Nazis and dogs are considered a winning combination in the publishing world.

It would be very interesting to hear what a dog has to say.  I can only imagine what dogs in my neighborhood say when I’m on my walk.  When I pass the Rottweiler I think he’s yelling something like “Just what are you looking at punk?  What are you doing near my territory?  Thought I told you yesterday to keep away from here you gray-haired, middle-aged jerk.  I get past this fence and you’re mine.  I’m nicer to my chew toy than I will be to you.  Yeah, you just keep walking.”

            There’s an older female dog that is very nice and always wants people to pet her.  It seems she’s trying to say something like “Hey buddy don’t be afraid to pet me.  There was a time when people couldn’t resist petting me.  Oh, was I something to see.  People told me I could’ve easily won any dog show I wanted.  That was years ago.  The doggy years have really piled up on me.  These days I’m happy just to roll around in a little something, get a rawhide and call it a day.”

The author claims these Nazi dog trainers had some success.  They had a dog named Rolf that allegedly could discuss religion, contemplate complex mathematics and communicate with humans by tapping out an alphabet code using his paw.

Really?  I would just love to hear what a dog has to say about religion.  Maybe they would want to start their own church called “Our Lady of the Sacred Butt Sniffers”  Is it possible that Rolf didn’t like any of the current religions and was looking to start one of his own?  It would probably be complete with doggy deities such as Spike the all-knowing hound of leg humping.  Can you imagine what their religious service would be like? 

“Fellow canines in a minute we must all lift our heads and howl in unison to the great Spike.  After that, we can all lift our legs and mark our spots so we all know who attended today’s service.  Before you leave don’t forget to stop at the back of the doggy park.  We have plenty of wet food and dry food to enjoy during fellowship time.  Boxes will also be available for a chew toy and rawhide donations.  Now let our howling begin.”

The book also claims another dog named Kurwenal was able to crack jokes like a comedian and was the symbol of the educated canines of Germany.  Huh?  I guess the world always needed a joke-cracking Nazi dog.

I can only imagine what it would be like to have a comedy night at a club with Kurwenal as the featured performer.  As he comes on stage people are clapping.  He nods and pants before he gets down and starts cleaning himself.

“Hey, I know you humans are jealous of that but don’t forget, I can’t pick my nose.  How’s everybody doing tonight?  Do all of you like what I rolled in before I got here?  Are there any mailmen in the audience because I’m hungry?  Ha, ha only kidding.  But seriously folks, sorry I’m a little late.  I would’ve been here early but I thought this would be the time I actually caught my tail.  Other dogs are always asking me why I’m in such good shape.  I tell them it’s because I started chasing high-performance autos instead of parked cars.  Whoa, I got a million of them.  Trust me. I was funnier before I was neutered.  Hey, you in the front row.  I think I’m falling in love with the leg.”

This story only gets better.  It seems that Hitler’s favorite dog was called Don.  This canine was able to bark “Mein Fuhrer” when asked who Adolf Hitler was.  That doesn’t impress me.  If the dog would’ve barked “Die you mass murdering psychopath demon and rot in hell” that would’ve impressed me. 

The goal behind this Nazi project seems to have been for these superior dogs to be able to communicate with their SS masters and become the world’s ultimate guard dogs.  Why would these dogs want to guard anything?  They’d be too busy discussing religion or thinking up comedy routines.  Since they could do complex math they’d probably be busy designing dog cities or doggy mass transit systems.  They would probably form a group to fight for doggy rights.  If the SS masters wanted these dogs to guard anything they’d probably have to talk with their canine union.

Unfortunately, this is just another sad aspect of a horrible time in history.  The book also tells how people were concerned with the welfare of pets left behind by Jews taken to the concentration camps.  Talk about a warped sense of values.  I’ve always enjoyed dogs that were left alone to be just dogs.  They’re special animals with unique talents and abilities.  I don’t think they need to act like they’re human any more than we need to act like we’re dogs.

Here is a link to the story.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8532573/Nazis-tried-to-train-dogs-to-talk-read-and-spell-to-win-WW2.html