Ultrasound as a Contraceptive. A Real Story

There has always been a desire for a male contraceptive as effective as the pill.  The main reason being that woman probably sit around tired of being the responsible one for avoiding an unwanted pregnancy.  They want to be just as irresponsible and uncaring as men.  The right to be irresponsible and uncaring should not be defined by gender.  According to a press release a study was recently published in the Journal of Reproductive Biology and Endocrinology that provides proof that ultrasound is an overlooked male contraceptive.  I’m even struggling to write this with a straight face.  As always my comments are in italics.

Ultrasound Male Contraceptive, Overlooked For Decades, Confirmed To Work

Imagine a contraceptive that could, with one or two painless 15-minute non-surgical treatments, provide months of protection from pregnancy. And imagine that the equipment needed was already in physical therapists' offices around the world.

This sounds too much like a sales pitch and makes me wonder if this study was sponsored by ultrasound manufacturers.

HOW IT WORKS

The testes need to be slightly cooler than the rest of the body to properly produce sperm. 

Maybe boxer shorts with heating pads might make a good contraceptive?  There's an idea for another study!

It turns out that ultrasound can be used on the testes for contraception rather than healing.

Such a versatile piece of equipment, I wonder if it can be made to fix you a cappuccino while you’re being ultrasounded?

OVERLOOKED FOR DECADES

Dr. Mostafa Fahim of the University of Missouri, Columbia was the first to try therapeutic ultrasound for contraception.  He and his team showed effect in rats, cats, dogs, monkeys, and even 8 men, publishing journal reports and book chapters in 1975-1982 and patents in 1977 and 1978.  Other researchers were suspicious enough that a site visit team was even sent to his lab.

Where did these researchers get the 8 men who participated in this study?  Did they go into a seedy bar at closing time and pick out the 8 men they would most not want to pass on their genetics?  I can see meticulously groomed researchers in white lab coats talking to men who are in an alcohol-induced stupor in their local bar.

Researcher: That’s right gentlemen.  You simply come into our office, let us ultrasound your twins and you won’t be able to procreate for at least two months.

A drunk man: Well, I don’t know, I mean, I’m sort of happy with my procreates and you never know when you’re gonna’ need ‘em.

Researcher:  We’ll pay each of you fifty dollars.

A cheer comes from the group of eight drunk men as they give each other a high five and follow the researchers out of the bar.

Sitting next to a chimp in the lab the drunk man tries to start a conversation.

“Dude, what you doing with your fifty bucks after they ultrasound yer num-nums?”

“Ooooooh, eeeeeegh, ooooooh, ooooh.”

“You’re pretty wild, you want to hang out with us at the bar”?

“Ooooooh, eeeeeegh, ooooooh, ooooh, aooooooh”.

“Right on dude.”

Then in 1988 a more respected researcher, Ronald L. Urry n trying to repeat Dr. Fahim's experiments showed no significant effect on sperm production even when he turned it up so high that he saw burns.

Now explaining those burns to your attorney would be a bit embarrassing but ultimately worth it. 

The best results came from undergoing two sessions, each consisting of 15 minutes of ultrasound two days apart.  During the sessions, the testes were placed in a cup of saline to provide conduction between the ultrasound transducer and skin.

I think this was once featured in a porno movie.  I wonder what thoughts go through a man's mind when having the twins in saline while waiting to be ultrasounded? Is there a YouTube video on this? (Yes there is.  See the end of story)  

With men looking for options, ultrasound's new credibility may have arrived at the right moment.

I think to maximize the effectiveness of this contraceptive ultrasound machines they should be put outside of sports stadiums, bars, and auto parts stores.  You could get a contraceptive ultrasound with a purchase a certain amount from the store or bar or by presenting your sports ticket stubs.  It’s bound to be a trillion dollar business in no time at all.

There are a lot of contraceptives being introduced.  There are pills with iron, pills with a few more days of estrogen, pill hormones in ring or patch form but not a lot that is truly new.  This would be the first truly new male contraceptive in over a century and based on equipment already in medical offices all over the world.

Should this become popular I think we men will owe an eternal debt of gratitude to all the animals and drunk men who volunteered their baby makers to be ultrasounded in pursuit of this contraceptive method.  It could definitely cut down on the number of researchers in the world who create things because they’re funded by crazy people with money.

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