It seems that every phase of life is designed to provide us with all the necessary knowledge and experience for the next event heading our way. When we’re young we learn the alphabet. This enables us to understand certain concepts through simple reading assignments. Eventually we evolve to a place where we’re able to read the instructions that come with electronic devices. We all seem to get to a point where we’re able to read what makes no sense to us and contact people who confuse us. This is when our young grandchild will waddle into the room, makes the electronic device operable and then return to the search for their tippy cup.
In many ways marriage is the same type of experience. In the beginning a couple spends a lot of time discovering each other. They learn boundaries and their spouses likes and dislikes. Women must deal with the horror of using a bathroom after a male has used it and become acquainted with sights and aromas she didn’t know were possible. A man must learn what scented candles are and even discover there really is such a thing as potpourri.
A new husband soon learns that nature has bestowed upon women an entirely different biology. They have certain monthly requirements that men can not relate to in any way. A husband must quickly adapt to the mood swings, the irritability and accept the change in appetite.
“What happened to that pound of chocolate I just bought?”
“Don’t worry about it. Be sure to get me another one for next month.”
“Why?”
“Because the wicked witch of the month only turns good through chocolate consumption. Now do you understand?”
“Completely.”
The one moment that truly tests a couple’s relationship is when a man is asked by his wife to purchase feminine hygiene products without her. To hear such a request is a shock to the male system.
“You need to go to the store.”
“For what?”
“Feminine stuff.”
“Oh please don’t make me go to the store and buy that stuff by myself. Can’t I just donate one of my kidneys for research or something equally less painful?”
“No.”
“Maybe I could get honey from a bee hive with my bear hands. That would be easier.”
“Maybe you should worry about getting frostbite when you sleep next to me tonight.”
“Okay, I’m going.”
When such a request came my way I was so upset I couldn’t even speak. Upon returning from the store my wife told me I had accidently purchased adult diapers. I can’t even describe the feeling I had when my wife made me go back to the store and exchange them for feminine hygiene products. I’ve never gone back to that store and I never will.
I’ve come to realize this was great training for when my wife became pregnant. The mood swings and general irritably were much more intense and lasted quite a bit longer. Being able to endure a few months of intense verbal abuse served me well on the day our child arrived. I was glad everything went well and felt anxious to once again obtain monthly chocolate provisions.
It took time to realize the difference between a hormonal rage and actually doing something that made her mad. Like all men I soon learned every conversation with my wife should begin with an apology for being male. It’s an old trick but one that has served me well..
Now that our child is grown we’ve entered the next phase of life. My wife’s biological manufacturing complex is shutting down. One interesting aspect of this situation is something called hot flashes. You know your wife is experiencing a hot flash when you’re watching television with her on a cold winter night. Suddenly she stands up, runs outside and dives headfirst into a pile of snow. On these occasions I’ve asked my wife to roll up and down on our driveway. The results are better than when
I shovel it and she doesn’t seem to mind.
I shovel it and she doesn’t seem to mind.
Another thing this condition provides is night sweats. This is when you’re laying in bed feeling thankful that you have a waterbed, but you don’t really have a waterbed. It’s an awkward situation but one that can easily be handled by apologizing for being male and going back to sleep wearing a life preserver.
Her mood swings and general irritability are now things I easily handle with understanding. I am simply quiet and listen. If I have to speak during these times I apologize for being male, tell her I love her and ask if there is anything I can do besides buy chocolate. I realize this situation could last anywhere from two to ten years. It really doesn’t matter to me because as a loving husband, I’ve been training for this event since I first got married.
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