Tuesday, July 12, 2011

BARELY LEGAL GIFT IDEAS

            It seems there is always an event coming your way that requires the purchase of a gift.  At that time the quest to find an item which is unique and appropriate can easily transform the shopping experience from fun into stress-filled misery.  You must decide if you’re getting something they want or something they need, something they’ll remember or just something that makes them know you took the time to get something they’ll be able to sell at a yard sale.  It’s always a challenge. 
            Well fear not as there are unique and unbelievably legal gifts for everyone on your list.  How many people do you know who wouldn’t want a flamethrower of their very own?  Luckily there are no federal laws restricting the ownership of a fire shooting device.  If unique and barely legal is what you’re after this just may be it. 
            “What’s wrong Tom?”
            “Why I can’t get this leaf pile to start burning.”
            “No problem.  I’ll just get my handy flamethrower and we’ll get it started in a jiffy.”
            “Hey, I bet you could be thirty yards away and accidently start my house on fire so we can fraudulently collect on the insurance.”
            “You bet I could, so just let me know when nobody will be home.”
            “Thanks, it’s great to have a neighbor who actually has a flamethrower.”
            Flamethrowers can actually be purchased online for around $300 and there are also videos that show you how to make one yourself.  I would check all local laws before such a purchase and seriously advise against giving into the temptation to save a few dollars and make one yourself.
            If your gift giving tastes are not of the lethal flame shooting variety, fear not, because there are other barely legal items for your list.  Do you know someone who loves to read and is extremely paranoid of the federal government?  If their desire is to be put in prison for terrorist activity then the books from the Ragnar Benson collection would be perfect for them.  With these books your friend or loved one can read about such topics as “David’s Tool Kit: A Citizen’s Guide to Taking Out Big Brother’s Heavy Weapons” or the timeless classic “Long term Survival in the Coming Dark Age – Preparing to Live after Society Crumbles.”  These books also enable the reader to learn how to build a landmine, shoot down a military helicopter or how to make their own anti-tank rifle.  Talk about a gift that just keeps on giving.
            Do you have to get a gift for someone who enjoys drugs but refuses to do them because of the legalities involved?  Then the plant Salvia divinorum could be for them.  The legal status of this plant is different in each state.  When properly prepared this plant can be smoked and create a very intense hallucination.  All side effects of smoking Saliva disappear within an hour and it does not appear on standard drug tests.  Scientists believe it may act as an anti-depressant and could be effective in ending cocaine addiction.  I suppose trading the experience of cocaine highs for hallucinations is progress for some people.  It does make you wonder if the smoke from Salvia divinorum is ever pumped into the ventilation systems where politicians work.
            If you want to buy one of the deadliest infantry weapons ever made you might want to consider purchasing the M134 General Electric Minigun.  It has the ability to fire up to 160 rounds per second.  It might not be too good for hunting as it would turn any animal into ground beef in seconds.  The hunter would then be forced to use a specula and a plastic bag to take his catch home.  A hunter might not want to mount on a wall something he caught using this gun.  With a price tag of $400,000 and only about 11 in private hands it’s not surprising you don’t hear about them being used during crimes.  It also is a bit expensive to use as a minute of shooting will cost $3,600.  If you can afford this gun you have no reason to do anything other than show it to your neighbors and remind them you have it when you want them to stop making too much noise.
            If you know someone who has always dreamed of melting metal but hasn’t found a way, then a little compound called Thermite just may be something they would want.  When Thermite is ignited it can reach temperatures of up to 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit, which is estimated to be about half the temperature of the sun.  It’s often used to cut through very strong metal like the kind used in construction.  The beauty of Thermite is you can actually make it in your own home.  It requires some rust and aluminum with a little mixing and refining from things found in the average home.  With some effort and attention to detail a person can have one of the most dangerous materials on the planet.  Who says there’s no way to get a boot off your car when you have too many parking tickets?
            The world is a changing place.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before these items are also made illegal to possess.  They’re only legal now because they’ve not been used to commit any horrible crime.  If you think I’m wrong remember there was a time when it was perfectly legal in this country to take box cutters aboard airplanes.
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